V: 








.- il. ’-.J.rtll 


v,/i. :{:/"’"l 


• V, .. 







:•'• '/ ■■ • V 
; n'. ■■ 


iii 




j; ;:. 


"1 


iil 

a 


,s 

iW 

1 




r 

‘ 


' ■ 'll 

IV' 

a. 

■ 


LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



ooonMHbiefi 



rtes "PZL-S 

Rnolc .H3984 

GoipghtN?-_J^iJL_ 


CIlEmiGHT OSPOSa:; 



; I 
I . 


f 


f 


I -J 

'rn\; j' 


r*, 






I 


t 





\ 




i 




I 


I 


I 


1 , ' 



f 



f 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 



WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


BY 


MARIE E. HENSLEY 


*r 

Author of “The Apocryphal Revelations” 
Life in Two Worlds,” Etc. 




TLe Christopher Publishing House 
Boston, U. S. A. 





Copyright 1922 

By The Christopher Publishing House 





JAN 26 1923 


©C1AG98048 
•VvO I 



INTRODUCTION. 


‘‘Who and What Am I?” From whence came I? Whither 
do I go? These questions are answered under inspiration in 
this book. The author claims that this work was written under 
inspiration and, as she has also written fiction, knows the dif- 
ference between it and truth. 

Inspirational writing is very different from automatic writing. 
Those who write under inspiration are fully conscious that they 
are impressed by an influence, independent of themselves, which 
uses their brains and minds as instruments to connect them 
with the material world. 

Those who write automatically, like automatons, are conscious 
of nothing. Their brains and minds are almost completely 
magnetized into insensibility, which makes it very difficult to give 
reliable information, or truth, as a torpid magnetized brain is 
not as good an instrument as a conscious one ; or, very rarely done, 
the hand is automatically controlled, entirely independent of the 
brain and mind. Those who are prepared will accept this as 
truth, those who are not will regard it as fiction. 



•I 


t • 


( 



M 

I ' ' ' 


r 


• > 





• » . 


I 


< K 










t 


4 


* 





i 

, ' I 



1 ; 

< 


I 




t 


« 


I 


TABLE OF CONTENTS 


Page 

Introduction 7 

Chapter I H 

Chapter II 18 

Chapter III 25 

Chapter IV 37 

Chapter V 43 

Chapter VI 51 

Chapter VII 61 

Chapter VIII 67 

Chapter IX 85 

Chapter X 91 

Chapter XI 96 

Chapter XII 102 

Chapter XIII 113 

Chapter XIV 120 

Chapter XV 125 

Chapter XVI 130 

Chapter XVII 142 

Chapter XVIII 155 

Chapter XIX 167 

Chapter XX 172 

Chapter XXI 179 


X 


Who and What am I? 


CHAPTER I. 

W E were a Southern family, all, excepting myself, born in 
old Virginia. The Roanokes were well and favorably 
known long before my father was forced, through a mes- 
alliance, to leave his ancestral halls. My mother, al- 
though well educated and of remarkable beauty, was not of the 
higher orders. Her people were well-to-do farmers, hence she 
was not considered a fitting mate for the scion of one of the most 
prominent families. 

Upon his marriage he was treated so austerely and con- 
temptuously by many of his family and friends, that he decided 
to seek a home as far West as possible. After many vicissitudes, 
he, with his wife and three children, arrived in Indiana, and, 
later, friendless and forlorn, in a remote village in Kentucky. 

With the assistance of kindly neighbors he opened a school 
which, in the course of time, developed into the leading Academy 
of that vicinity. When I was bom, the youngest of the family, 
it had been enlarged to accommodate about fifty boarders, boys 
from ten to twenty. Besides my mother, who taught music, 
French and Spanish, there were several teachers for the juvenile 
and advanced classes. The Mount Severn Academy was located 
on a hill, surrounded by pretty gardens and grain fields. 

The house was Colonial: with great pillars, large rooms, open 
fire-places, and was finished and furnished in walnut and mahoga- 
ny. On one side were reception and music rooms, on the other the 
library and three class rooms. The wings, which had been added 
on both sides, were devoted to dance hall and gymnasium, in the 
rear dining room and culinary department. The story above 
had been remodeled into sleeping rooms to accommodate the big 
boys, and a dormitory for the juveniles. Mrs. Elston was the 
matron for the elders, whilst a niece of my mother’s, Ella 
Langdon, ruled the juveniles with love and kindness. 


12 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


There were four children in our family: my brother Roscoe, 
at the time my story opens, nearing twenty years, Lillian, my 
sister, eighteen, Tom, twenty, and myself, John, just ten. I was 
presumed to be an epileptic, due to certain seizures which often 
kept me in a comatose condition for several hours, and, as I 
grew older, days at a time without regaining consciousness. 
My mother had such a horror of my “terrible disease,” as she 
termed it, that I slept in a bed adjoining hers where she could 
keep me under surveillance, for oft I was seized at night. Never 
was I permitted to go anywhere without a bodyguard. 

As I began to think, and crave for solitude, life became very 
unpleasant, despite the love of all manifested in every possible 
way. We were a very loving family, and had been reared, 
simply and solely, with love and extreme patience, and, in 
consequence were more than usually tolerant, kindly and con- 
siderate. My mother claimed that precept, unaccompanied by 
example, was worthless. Rarely did words of exhortation, ad- 
vice or suggestion come from her, but, when they did, we listened 
with reverence, and heeded with alacrity. Alas! so often 
parents by constant reiteration, unkind suggestions, lack of con- 
sideration for the young, unable to enter into their feelings, do 
more harm than good, and are responsible, although but instru- 
ments, for that which a wiser course would have prevented. 

My father, a courtly gentleman of the Old School, of punc- 
tilious courtesy, the result of several generations of culture, never 
permitted a severe reprimand nor an unkind word in his presence. 
My mother, although not blessed with gentle forbears, was 
born, by right Divine, his equal in all but blue blood. We were 
reared to believe in blue blood, in family, by my father. My 
mother often smiled, rather sadly, I thought, while a suspicious 
moisture would bedim her eyes when my father would dilate upon 
the pure, undefiled stream of his ancestors. The only semi-con- 
temptuous tones I ever heard her use was on one of these oc- 
casions when she, with a slight flash in her wondrous eyes, 
“Heaven’s own blue” my father called them, said, 

“Why not tell them that all blue blood has come from the 
people, that in truth, there is no such thing, that blood is con- 
stantly changing and being so adulterated, in all families, that, 
after a few generations, they have not a drop of the blood upon 
which they pride themselves, and which often is not responsible 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


13 


for the false estimate they have of themselves, but the false 
teaching of those who know better.” 

My father glanced at her surprisedly, then a glance of morti- 
fication o’erspread his face as he realized her viewpoint. He 
lifted my sister Lilian off his lap, thrust me, at his feet, aside, 
hastened to her, drew her quivering face to his and said, 

“Darling, you know in what sense I mean it. Only to make 
them ashamed to do wrong, to be ‘sans peur et sans reproche.’ ” 

“I know,” she answered sweetly, “but I think you can do that 
without dwelling too much upon the ‘best blood of the South,’ 
‘the pure blood, undefiled by any muddy stream,’ etc.” 

“That is so,” he agreed heartily, “I grant you I am somewhat 
the product of my environment and education. But, come, dear, 
a smile and a kiss, are you not my better half, superior to me in 
everything?” His large dark eyes, his mobile mouth, were so 
eloquent of tenderness and truth that she drew his head upon 
her shoulder and patted his cheek fondly 

“Oh!” she cried, “Randolph, you are irresistible, at least to 
me.” 

“As it should be.” he replied merrily. 

This was the only time that I, during my short life of twenty 
years, ever saw a frown cloud the winsome beauty of my mother’s 
face. Although my brother, Roscoe, was a magnificent fellow, 
tall, the image of his father, and Tom, as lovable and fine a 
character as ever lived, while Lilian inherited all her glorious 
blond beauty, with the exception of the large dark eyes of the 
Roanokes, I, poor, puny, sickly Johnnie, was her idol. Upon 
me she lavished most of her time, and the outpouring of such 
love as but few are blessed with. Too well she knew the little 
heart that ached, day and night, with the longing to be like other 
boys, the bitter nights that I sobbed myself to sleep at some 
fancied slight or tactless pity. 

I awakened one night suddenly. It seemed that a warm, 
loving hand patted me on the cheek, ere I opened my eyes, as 
though to give me courage and confidence. It was a bright 
moonlight night. I could see my father and mother distinctly, 
she was sitting up in bed with hands clasped in prayer, he was 
sitting by her side, apparently in deep thought. My mother 
unclasped her hands and said so sadly that my eyes overflowed, 
sensitive, psychical child that I was. 


14 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


‘‘Oh, Randolph, Randolph, a cripple too. Oh, my Johnnie, 
my Johnnie.” 

“Be comforted, wife, at least he will be spared to us.” answered 
my father huskily. 

“An epileptic to torment us day and night, and now, good God, 
a cripple to torment my darling more.” 

“Hush, dear, he is not an epileptic but a gifted being.” 

“Why, what do you mean?” looking dubiously at him. 

“Have you never heard of the great Seer, Emmanuel 
Swedenborg? 

“Of course I have, but again, what do you mean?” — somewhat 
hopefully, she said. 

“I mean that both the doctor and I have decided that he is not 
an epileptic, but a psychic of marvellous power.” 

“Oh, Randolph, I do not believe in spiritualism, I have a 
contempt for it.” 

“This is different from spiritualism, as you cognize it. The 
doctor and I have been conducting a series of experimental tests, 
when you have not been around, and we have proven to our 
satisfaction that he, when not in a fit but entranced, communes 
with angels and is on a high plane of development.” 

“Oh, Randolph, my little boy, Johnnie.” 

“Yes, dear, your little boy has, when in this condition, an- 
swered us in not only all modern but ancient languages, and has 
expressed himself in such choice, refined speech as to leave no 
doubt that Johnnie, the real Johnnie, possesses powers he is un- 
able to express when not entranced.” 

I listened eagerly as they discussed the various aspects of my 
case, and I thankfully coincided with my father’s decision that 
1 was not a victim to epilepsy, but something wonderful I knew 
nothing about. Oh, what a load was lifted off my heart, how 
the blood coursed through my veins with delight. A psychic 
like Swedenborg! I lay very still thinking of all the glory in 
store for me, until I drifted off into unconsciousness. The next 
day I looked for a dictionary and a life of the great Seer. I soon 
deciphered the meaning, and gloated over the great Swedenborg 
but, somehow, I could not believe in hell, punishment nor evil, 
they, for me, had no reality. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


15 


All my life I had been sheltered in the arms of love. Although 
I occasionally procured a paper, or magazine, with impure sug- 
gestions and the wrongdoings of different people, I really could 
not understand, they had no meaning for me, they were to me 
idle words, meaningless phrases. 

Those who have not had such a pure environment as I, rarely 
alone, usually accompanied by my father, mother, Lillian or 
Ella, four of the sweetest, purest characters to be found on earth, 
cannot credit that almost a century ago, in the comparatively 
unsettled Middle West, lived such advanced people. But such 
is the fact. My father had delved deep in mystic lore, and was 
an occultist of some power, although not manifested to any but 
Dr. Morton who investigated with him. But my father and the 
Doctor, unlike the average, undeveloped psychic, and spiritualist, 
had, after years of study, decided that Omnipotent Love and 
Wisdom alone ruled all worlds and forms of life. 

Both the Doctor and he, upon being convinced of my marvellous 
powers, agreed to never let me hear or see aught of an evil or un- 
developed nature, and to train and develop my mind to be in 
accord with the good, the truths of the real life, hence able to 
express them. Therefore, my father alone instructed me, while 
my mother, and the rest of the family were enjoined to never 
let me see or hear anything that savored in the slightest degree 
of impurity or unchastity. 

By the time I reached my fifteenth year, I was so developed 
psychically that either the Doctor or my father, during the 
time devoted to my studies, could entrance me at will. Up to that 
time I had no recollection of what transpired during these periods 
of my detachment from my physical body, because this, in truth, 
is what it was, but later I recalled everything. 

It is these experiences which I propose to relate, to give mor- 
tals some correct ideas of the spirit life and its glorious blesssings 
and privileges. Although brain is not sufficiently developed to 
form mind prior to the fourteenth year, and rarely before the 
fifteenth, T had had such unusal training that I, upon arriving 
at fourteen, had formed mind according to my training, environ- 
ment and education, and as my brain, prior to birth, had been 
organized with care by the angels in charge, my instruments to 
express spirituality and truth were well developed. My father 
and the Doctor had never imagined that I would be able to recall 


16 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


aught of the other life. They presumed that it was the wise 
sages who used my brain and magnetized my mortal mind into 
insensibility. But due to lack of development of my brain on 
certain lines, these sages could only transmit, through the little 
entities of my brain, that which they were trained to transmit 
and no more. 

All brains are under charge of those who form both the spirit 
and mortal bodies, under Divine, immutable law, and only receive 
and express, from the spirit spheres, that which is judged essential 
development. While those who spoke through me, who used 
my brain, were wise with a wisdom far superior to mine, they 
could only give that which I knew in the real life, and had im- 
pressed upon my mortal mind, although not able to express it 
on account of spirit brain being magnetized while on the mortal 
plane, but the sages, with their brains under their control, not 
magnetized, could express all the knowledge that my spirit brain 
or I possessed, and no more. 

As I, at that period, an advanced boy in spirit life, was familiar 
with all languages, my mortal brain could transmit these but 
could not transmit either wisdom or knowledge which I knew 
not. Hence all must know that no spirit can give anything that 
the spirit, in charge of the mortal body, does not know, and that all 
that is impressed inspirationally is ever and always the knowledge 
and wisdom of the spirit or mortal impressed, or become his when 
impressed by the spirit. 

Therefore, ever and always, whether spirit is attached to his 
mortal body or not, the mortal brain is his instrument, trained 
and developed for him alone, and although private matters, per- 
taining to those Who use his brain, are given, solely that which 
his brain is capable of receiving, and transmitting can be given. 
Thus my father and the doctor received only the knowledge I 
had acquired when detached by sleep, as all are educated in the 
real life when absent from the mortal body, but no more. Hence, 
although it appeared wonderful to them, they received nothing 
that had not been given by others, on similar planes of develop- 
ment, repeatedly before. 

When it is known that the human brain is the receiving and 
the transmitting instrument for the spirit, that without it he can 
express nothing on earth or the mortal plane, it will be realize^ 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


17 


that all good instruments are developed in the spirit world, ere 
they can receive or transmit that which is expressed through them. 
Hence I, at that time, could not transmit through my own brain 
that which I am transmitting now. At that time I had the 
spirit mind and brain of a boy, now I have the spirit mind and 
brain of an adult, and can transmit correctly only through a 
brain similarly developed. 


18 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER II. 

I was lying in bed, by my side a man of venerable aspect, white 
haired and scarred with the seams of time. A wistful smile was 
on his stern lips as, with closed eyes, he remained for a few mo- 
ments in deep thought. Then he opened his eyes slowly, and, 
looking into space above my head, evidently seeing something 
I could not see, said musingly, “Thus far and no farther can I 
go. I see, I hear, I know continuity to be true, I know the same 
personality endures, but, alas, although I see them as in the real 
life, and hear and touch them, they seem more like representations, 
more like, in a sense, living pictures, if such could be possible, 
of the real and true beings, and all I have gleamed, after years of 
research, is so vague and unsatisfactory regarding that which we 
yearn to know, that I begin to feel that there must be something 
we cannot develop, on this side, that interferes.” He sighed 
heavily and turned to me, 

“Well, John, I came in to see how you feel this morning. Your 
father is engaged and cannot attend to you.” 

I looked at him with awe and respect. Dr. Morton, a valued 
friend of my father’s, had never been to me more than a cold 
austere teacher. I was slightly afraid of his great Herculean 
frame, deepset eyes, shaggy beard, and, above all, the stern lips 
which rarely smiled. They were generally closed in stern de- 
fiance of mirth and laughter. His skin was bloodless and deeply 
furrowed. He was not a pleasing spectacle to a nervous child. 
I trembled as I replied, 

“I know all now. Doctor, I know why you are here and that 
you are often alone with me at this time.” 

His eyes flashed wtih interest, the bloodless face became suf- 
fused, he spoke eagerly, 

“Tell me what you know, John.” 

“I know I am never in this body when you think I am, but 
somebody else uses it and speaks with my tongue. I do not.” 

“What? You are dreaming. Of course you are in your body 
and just now you were speaking in Hebrew to me.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


19 


‘‘I was not, Dr. Anderson was speaking in Hebrew, I was stand- 
ing by in another body — like this one only more perfect. Dr. 
Anderson knew you years ago before your wife died. He and 
Sally, your daughter, were here when I was put back in this body. 
Your wife had just left.” 

“Good God!” he ejaculated, “you saw Anderson, my wife and 
Sally. What were they like?” 

“Your wife, Eleanor, was beautiful with big dark eyes, a tall 
figure, a mouth just made to smile, and tiny hands.” 

“As she was thirty years ago but can’t be so now as she must 
be an old lady.” he answered huskily. “How did Sally look?” 

“She was beautiful, too, with large grey eyes, delicate, small 
features. She called you Topokins, Oh, dear Popokins, why 
can’t you see me?’ ” 

“Thank God, thank God, I have located them at last. Tell 
me, what else can you recall?” 

“I remember almost everything. I could see my body here 
with you, and Papa asking me question, and in the same room; 
a moment later, the room as it looks now seemed to change into 
another room, and I, in a body, a perfect body, stepped out of a 
living frame, so it seemed to me, lying on the bed; not my physic- 
al, this body, but a peculiar combination, looking like a skeleton 
frame made of living, vital sparks, which gleamed like little eyes, 
a psychical or vital frame, not a body. It was, I was told, to 
vitalize the physical body, which was within it but which I 
could not see on spirit side, in my spirit body, with my real eyes. 
They said that when we are on earth, or in the mortal body, we 
see through the mortal brain and eyes and everything looks dif- 
ferent, because the physical world is in the little spaces of the 
spiritual world, as the material body interpenetrates the spaces 
of the vital body, which is so constructed as to fit in the spirit 
body, when the spirit is attached to it, when he goes to the earth 
school, because we all really live all the time in the spirit world, 
and are only conscious on earth when awake, or it is necessary 
for some purpose.” 

“Wonderful! Reason and common sense combined, so when 
we awake or come to school every morning, we are fitted into a 
body like our own, to grow up with it and, I presume, learn 
from the suffering inflicted on it.” 

“Yes, you see the material brain is in the spiritual brain. The 
spiritual; when we come to school, is magnetized into insensibi- 


20 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


lity, SO as not to recall the real home, for, if we did, when we are 
undeveloped, we could not learn so well. The real brain must be 
developed through suffering to make it industrious and competent, 
to make the little living spirit entities in it obey us, be loving and 
harmonious, or we could not receive the soul gifts of love, power 
and wisdom from God rightly, and we could not advance.” 

“Wonderful, wonderful! Soul comes from God, pure and 
holy, therefore cannot be lost or go to hell. The physical body, 
the corruptible, is abandoned to disintegrate, hence cannot be 
taken nor transformed into the incorruptible, so it must be, it is 
the real spirit brain that must be developed. Oh, what fools 
not to have grasped it before.” 

The Doctor looked with a transfigured face into mine, eyes 
glowing with rapture, stern lips soft and smiling. At last he had 
received something that pleased him, that his scientific develop- 
ment could grasp. My father entered with a smiling face, ever 
worn before his little boy. He looked astonished at the change 
in the Doctor, who volubly poured forth all I had told him, with 
many exclamations of “Wonderful, wonderful, what idiots 
we were.” 

My father, upon grasping the meaning, seemed as joyous and 
excited as the Doctor. He made me repeat all that I had said 
and asked, 

“Well, son, it seems that there are two bodies, (we cannot call 
the vital a body), and one soul or spirit living in the real and true 
body and only connected or attached to the physical, which is 
but a machine to record the impressions we receive here in the 
earth school. I see, I see. Oh, how different, how logical, how 
sane and how corroborative of the spiritual teachings of the Lord, 
Who was the greatest psychic that ever lived, a most wonderful 
man.” 

“The Lord is not a man only,” I excitedly exclaimed, “He was 
inspired by God.” 

“Oh, yes, we all are,” my father replied. I knew the Lord 
was different but I could not explain then, so I said nothing. 
My mother came to the door and stood a moment looking per- 
plexedly at us, our excited looks seemed to fill her with fore- 
boding, 

“Why do you all look so queerly,” she asked tremulously. My 
father answered reassuringly as she approached and caressed me. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


21 


“Nothing of importance, dear, I will tell you later. John must 
have some breakfast at once.” 

Within a moment, Ella, dear, sweet Ella, who always insisted 
on bringing my breakfast, entered with a cheery loving greeting. 
Ella Langdon was, if possible, more beautiful than my mother, 
with superb eyes and figure. Her eyes were glorious, full of 
magnetic sweetness. To know was to love her and, boy though 
I was, I worshipped her with the ardor of the just awakening soul 
love, though I knew it not then and deemed it but a natural love. 

All smiled as I drew her face down and kissed her, but I 
fancied a shade on the dear mother’s face, so I pulled her to me 
and kissed her also, as Ella turned to say a few words to the 
Doctor with whom she was a great favorite. Whilst I was eating, 
Tom and Roscoe came in and started a merry tune on the piano 
which stood, between two large windows, opposite my couch. 
Roscoe was just developing into manhood. He looked very 
attractive and winning, a gay smile irradiating face as he sang, 
while his eyes, blue as my mother’s, eagerly sought Ella’s, but 
she, oblivious of all but the Doctor, paid no heed. Tom, a 
slender stripling, with retrousse nose and sparking, hazel eyes, 
made a grimace at the Doctor, and, then, noting that I had seen 
it, slyly winked at me. I laughed outright, he looked so comical. 

My mother, who never missed anything, smiled also but my 
father, who had turned in time to see Tom, looked at him rather 
coldly. He did not like his children, even in fun, to ridicule 
anyone, much less his intimate friends. I was not surprised 
when he said, 

“Tom, it is time for you to retire.” 

Tom, rather abashed, arose from the piano stool and with a 
parting smile withdrew. Ella and the Doctor had been conversing 
in suppressed tones and looking ever and anon at me. I sur- 
mised the Doctor was telling her about our recent talk. When 
she arose to go with my father, she lingered, apparently desirous 
of speaking to me, until my mother said, 

“&la, it is time for you to go or you will be late.” 

“Pardon me, dear Aunt, I was thinking of what the Doctor 
said. John will tell you. I hope I will hear all later.” 

“Now, what is all this mystery, Johnnie, boy?” my mother 
said, looking at me earnestly and somewhat sadly. She did not 
approve of my father and the Doctor experimenting with her 
boy, and, as she had never been present at any of the seances. 


22 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


as they are termed, was skeptical. I knew she did not believe 
in anything supernatural, but I had seen and knew too much to 
doubt, so I said eagerly, 

“Oh, mother, now I know the truth. I was out of my body 
last night and I saw grandma, and grandpa, your father and 
mother, and my grandpa, papa’s mother, and little sister Lottie — 
born before I was, who died long ago — and little brother Jim, 
and, oh, so many of our relations and friends.” 

My mother looked astounded and perplexed beyond measure. 

“Lottie! Jim!” No wonder she looked astonished. Lottie 
and Jim were two babes of whom we had never heard, who had 
passed out stillborn. 

“You dreamed it, Johnnie, dear.” 

“Oh, no, mother, all were more real than here. Jim had a 
birth-mark on his toe, a little strawberry leaf, tiny and delicate. 
He said ^Ask mother what caused it?’ ” 

“Oh, oh,” she sobbed, “my little babies. True, true, a straw- 
berry leaf, inherited from generation to generation in the family, 
he alone had it in mine.” 

“He doesn’t have it in the real body, mother. All are perfect, 
free from defects of all kinds, but his little mortal body had it. 
And Lottie was so sweet, mother, a big, lovely girl, and looked 
so much like you. She said, “Tell mama we are always together 
when you are away from the body, in the first, sound sleep.” 

“Oh, God, it must be true, my darlings are alive and near me. 
Thank God, thank God! What else did you see, Johnnie?” 

“This room, mother, yes, this room, inside another room just 
the same size, with furniture and everything in the same place, 
but, oh, so beautiful, mother, so very beautiful, more beautiful 
than any room on earth. The windows were clear and pellucid 
as possible, the ceiling a garden of beautiful flowers, the walls 
paneled with exquisite paintings, the furniture fragile and yet 
substantial, of a substance more beautiful than onyx, emitting 
numberless colors; while those plants, mother, in the real room, 
irradiate life, beauty and perfume indescribable. But, mother, 
father and the Doctor were asleep, although so different from 
here, and sitting in chairs near me, while they were awake and 
talking to me on earth, not apart from their vital frames, and 
each had a Celestial Angel, tutor or guardian Angel with them. 

“We all have two Celestial Angels, tutors. One is always with 
us while we are on earth, or while we are being educated when 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


23 


young, in the spirit world. Mine took me into another room, one 
of our class rooms only more beautiful than the earth one, and 
instructed me in many things that I cannot remember. Then I 
was taken out into the gardens and fields by grandpa and grandma 
— your father and mother. The flowers and trees were of all 
shades, some several shades, harmoniously blended. Roses, not 
of one but of a dozen shades, and many flowers that I knew and 
called by name that we do not have here, but I cannot remember 
them now, and such delicious fruit, and berries and nuts, mother, 
and the grounds were full of beautiful men, women and children. 
All seemed so young, I saw no old people. Grandma was like 
a lovely girl, and grandpa looked very little older than Roscoe, 
and Roscoe, Lilian and Tom were away from their vital frames 
and with us. But you, dear mother, were awake here on earth, 
as you were attached to your vital frame like papa and the 
Doctor.” I stopped for want of breath. 

“Oh, how beautiful, how wonderful,” she murmured, “but dear 
little boy, you look feverish, God grant it is not a hallucination, 
but how could you know about the children?” 

“And about your brother, Tom, who ran away from home 
and was killed in Arizona by the Apaches. He was there, he said, 
“If you can remember on earth, to comfort my dear sister tell 
her they did not torture me, that I died at the first shot and did 
not suffer at all.” 

“Oh, oh, it is true, you never heard of Tom, it was too sad to 
tell you. Oh, thank God, thank God.” 

After a few moments devoted to telling her many things, I 
arose, with her assistance, and was prepared for the day, in 
ecstatic frame of mind. Now life had no terrors for me. I was 
happy. I was neither an epileptic nor a cripple, only a schoolboy 
at school with all my dear ones, never to be separated from them 
either in the real life or on the mortal plane of consciousness on 
earth. Thrice blessed I. I presume my face was so luminous 
with love and joy that it seemed very like the real face, for my 
mother said tenderly, “Oh, the spirit shining through your dear 
little face.” 

When I arose from the bed, to our amazement and joy, I did 
not limp at all but walked as well as ever. 

“Oh, what marvel is this,” cried my mother, “he walks, he 
walks, he is not a cripple.” 


24 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Nor an epileptic’’ I added joyously, “but a child of God, and, 
even here, I feel my Divine heritage.” 

Within a few moments a joyous jubilee was held in the great 
hall. All assembled, father, Doctor, teachers, help, and all the 
boys to see “John walk as good as ever.” Oh, what a feast of joy 
and wonder. How my father beamed, how the Doctor was 
transformed from austere teacher to the lovable friend; how the 
boys hurrahed again and again, and, above all, how my mother 
and Ella wiped joyous tears from their eyes. Even Nancy and 
Chloe, our two cooks, with us since my birth, thanked God again 
and again, “Blessed be His holy name.” 

“Now,” my father said, “I shall send for Dr. Stevenson who 
claims you are a cripple and epileptic, never to be healed. But, 
sit down, let us all hear his learned opinion before we tell him.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


25 


CHAPTER III. 

The Doctor entered with his usual urbane, kindly smile, but, 
ere he greeted my father, something electrical in the atmosphere 
or our peculiar looks and postures, made him exclaim ere he saw 
me clearly, 

“What has happened? Is John very bad? I told you he 
could not stand excitement, and — ” my father interrupted, 

“Nothing unusual. Doctor, John is all right, but I would like 
to know what you think about the latest development in his case. 
Did you say he would always be a cripple?” 

“Most certainly! Nothing on earth can cure him.” 

“Are you positive?” — earnestly. 

“Positive beyond a shadow of doubt.” 

“John,” said my father, “arise and walk.” 

I arose from the chair, straightened myself proudly, and walked 
straight and erect to the center of the large hall. The Doctor 
stood spellbound, a graven image, frozen with surprise and won- 
der. Slowly he gathered his wits, 

“What miracle is this?” he exclaimed, “No medicine or 
surgery could do this, only God.” 

“Yes, only God,” my father replied, “you speak truly. But 
God works through His instruments, the instruments you have 
been ridiculing, the Doctor — glancing at Dr. Morton — and me 
for invoking. Yes, Doctor, my boy will tell you the rest, pos- 
sibly you will then believe.” 

All, in the large room, listened breathlessly as I narrated all 
that had transpired. The doctor listened eagerly, and incredulity 
was soon replaced by belief. He said solemnly: 

“So you were with the angels, John. But it is difficult to be- 
lieve that sinning beings, like us, can live with them as we are 
here. That is very hard to credit, we must be wicked there too, 
many of us preparing to be sent when “Gabriel sounds his horn” 
into hell.” 

“There is no hell,” I said, “all are pure and good.” 


26 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


But as I had only the brain and mind of a boy fourteen years 
old then, I could not explain nor give that which I can now. So 
even though they grasped that we live the two lives, they could 
only grasp life there as it is on the mortal plane or earth, evil, 
in truth undeveloped, so their belief in hell and punishment con- 
tinued. Although Dr. Morton and my father believed in Omni- 
potent Love and Wisdom, they could not explain how it was pos- 
sible for the spirit, who is good and pure in the real life, to be 
bad and impure on earth. Hence, while they realized it was the 
real spirit brain that was to be developed, and not the soul, 
they thought the spirit sinned through and with the spirit 
brain, in the spirit life, as he did through the material brain in 
the material life. Therefore, the truth of there being no evil, 
since I could not explain, although I gave it, could not be grasped. 

The neighborhood went wild over my miraculous healing. We 
were besieged by people from far and near. Many prominent 
scientists and scholars besought interviews with me, and desired 
to put me under test conditions. My father firmly refused all. 
He was not seeking notoriety nor popularity at the expense of 
his son’s well-being, for it soon became apparent to Dr. Morton 
and himself that, although I was able to walk, I was in a debi- 
litated condition and needed the utmost quiet and care. 

As ever my mother and Ella never relaxed vigilance, but nursed 
and treated me with the utmost tenderness. One afternoon, as I 
lay propped up with pillows on my couch before the open window, 
I drifted into unconsciousness and awakened in the real life. I 
was still in bed, but such an exquisite, downy bed. I seemed to 
be alone. I looked around the room, taking in every article with 
delight, for this room was my real room. The windows were 
solid sheets of clear transparency, draped with immortal flowers — 
blue and corn-color, intermingled with fragile ferns. The ceiling 
was similar. The floor looked as though the flowers were alive, 
so real they seemed. There was every article as in the earth 
room, but very different, all beautiful and harmonious. The 
table near me had books, pitcher and glass as on the earth table, 
in the very same place, but the books had beautiful corn-color 
and blue covers to harmonize with the room, the water service 
much more fragile and beautiful than cut glass. 

The furniture, of exquisite material, gleamed like old ivory. 
The mirrors sparkled like diamonds. The walls were paneled with 
paintings — rare works of art. The entire room was so beauti- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


27 


ful to me, just returned from the unattractive earth room, that 
I, as ever upon awakening, reveled in the beauty ere I could 
think of anything else. From the filmy lace covering of the 
couch, in strong contrast to the heavy comforters so lately en- 
veloping me, I glanced to my hands, so different from the mortal 
ones. Perfectly formed, of exquisite hue and texture, glossy 
nails of perfect shape, firm, strong, yet delicate hands. Then I 
looked at the bird, my pet bird on earth, a gay little canary; 
he was asleep, I knew he was awake on earth, he was so motion- 
less and still. The flowers were much more alive and awake, 
they radiated beauty and brilliance, emitting a perfume especially 
fragrant. The cat was on the mat before the fireplace, yes, a 
fireplace. A bright fire, although it was warm and balmy, glowed 
in the silver grate: a fire like the fire that was in my grate on earth, 
with this difference, — a beautiful fire that threw out no extra heat 
but glowed with a million of tints, constantly changing from one to 
the other, a fire that made no ashes, that was not of coal, wood, nor 
of any material known to earth, neither of gas nor electricity, but 
radium, which constantly threw off energy, with greater power 
than all combined. The cat was also in a comatose condition; 
it jumped up with its eyes closed and ran out of the room, as 
I knew it was doing on earth. 

I heard a soft step and saw, entering from the adjoining room — 
my mother’s on earth, one of my Guardian Angels or tutors, 
Clarice, a Celestial Angel. She was superbly beautiful, with 
a radiant face expressive of love and purity. Her expression 
fairly glowed with tenderness and sympathy, as she approached 
and said: 

‘T rejoice it is time for me to take my boy out of his cage 
for a while, and liberate him from the thralldom of the mortal 
school.” 

She lifted the cobweb lace spread and exposed me to view. 
I could not see my vital frame nor vital body, it was within my 
spiritual body, invisible to me while within me. I glanced at my 
body, as perfect and flawless as my hand, as nude as a baby 
when first born. I, a lad of fourteen, lay before my beloved 
teacher without a trace of false modesty, the false modesty so 
esteemed on earth. Tenderly she lifted me bodily and, laughing 
merrily, said: 

“Look at the cage, dear, now you can see it.” 

Still in her strong, loving grasp, ere she deposited me on a 


2 ? 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


chair near the bed, I looked and saw a skeleton frame, like the 
skeleton Dr. Morton showed to me once, only, instead of bones, 
the frame was of little points or needles of vital organisms, so 
small as to be scarcely seen. 

‘^All these little organisms fit in the interstices of my body, such 
infinitesimally small apertures that I cannot see them.” I said. 

“Yes, and they now hold in place, the material substance 
which forms the material body.” 

“Yes, I cannot see nor feel it with my real eyes and fingers. 
There is not only the one organism and vital spark, which I see, 
but the material organism, just as real, that I cannot see, not 
due to the fact that there is no material body, but the truth that 
owing to a certain speed of revolution I cannot see that which 
is another organism, vitalized by the vital spark. Those count- 
less sparks vitalize the very small organisms of this frame, and 
the organisms of the material which I cannot see. 

“But when magnetized by me, others or by yourself, you be- 
come conscious on the mortal plane in the earth school, at other 
times you are only conscious here of this life.” 

“These states of consciousness are changed to suit the laws of 
the two planes.” 

“And the two worlds and lives are identical in many respects, 
one as real as the other, while conscious on it, and as real when 
not conscious on it.” 

This may appear incomprehensible to the average reader, two 
bodies in one place and one not visible. Some of the great religions 
of the earth. Buddhism, the Christian religion, and several extinct 
religions of prehistoric races, taught of several bodies in one. 
But, due to the lack of brain development, among the majority, 
never thoroughly understood, except by the illumined, in any 
period. Even today, almost two thousand years since the Lord 
Jesus Christ taught of three bodies in one, the spiritual or 
Celestial, the vital or psychical, the physical or natural, very 
few can understand, and find it less difficult to understand soul 
being transformed, within a moment, into a body, or staying 
in the grave, in the decomposed body, until Gabriel sounds his 
horn. 

The truths taught by the Lord were understood by a very few 
when He gave them, and were so changed by the various com- 
pilers, revisers, translators and interpreters, as to bear but little 
resemblance to them. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


29 


“I understand it all here. It appears very simple to me but 
when I am put back in that frame and magnetized by you, Harold 
or those whom you permit to magnetize me, and I only have 
the poor material brain and the five, more or less, imperfect 
sense organs, I can only express the knowledge I have acquired 
from my material impressions of earth life, and as all this life 
is shut off I receive but very few correct impressions of the 
spirit life.” 

“Did you receive correct ones, were you permitted to remember 
life, as it really is, the mortal school would be of no use. Know- 
ing absolutely the truth would prevent you from the necessary 
amount of suffering. You could not develop the essential quali- 
ties. You have several to develop before you can advance here. 
Your brain must be made a good instrument. It must be in 
perfect harmony, not lazy and torpid as at present, to enable 
you to receive the soul gifts of love, wisdom and power.” 

“But there are some who receive correct ones, we call them 
spiritually unfolded.” 

“Yes, but few in comparison with the number who never re- 
ceive any. The purpose of mortal life is not to develop the 
pure, holy soul, which comes from the Father, nor the corruptible 
mortal body, but the brain, the real spirit brain, to bring it in 
accord with the soul, to render its little reasoning entities, dwell- 
ing in the various convolutions, lovingly subservient to the Soul 
Child in command.” 

“And only through that cognized as sin, and suffering can it 
be formed and brought in subjection. When I am on earth and 
I think of all the misery I read about, and, even there, barely 
understand, I am so glad so few, in comparison with the immense 
number who do not need it, must get it in a physical body. 

“The qualities to be developed can only be developed in the 
material world, on the mortal plane of consciousness, hence, 
mortal life has ever been in existence. The material worlds are 
the only hells or places, not of punishment, God’s pure, holy 
children need not punishment, but the only places of suffering. 
They are the hells that Emmanuel Swedenborg was impressed 
to give during his epoch: “The Heavenly Societies” conjoined 
to “Infernal Ones” in reality being the material and the spiritual 
worlds.” 

“How strange that so many will persist in believing that 
humanity must develop morally and spiritually there, or be lost, 


30 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


when they know that a large number cannot advance due to 
poor brains, and a larger number to bad environment, evil asso- 
ciations and no education. How can they hold poor weaklings, 
imbeciles and degenerates responsible?” 

“Simply, dear boy, because they themselves are deficient in 
proper brain development. Very few require good brains to de- 
velop the essential qualities. Those who have good brains, who 
have the power to create new brain areas, are in the minority, 
and are only formed thus to give them different training from 
those who have not.” 

“I will be detached in early youth. I will have developed en- 
durance, courage, patience and subfiiission by the time I am 
twenty, then I can come home for good. Oh, I’ll be so glad 
although I’ll miss the dear old earthy and dear ones as they seem 
there.” 

“Yes, but as you ever see them as they really are when not 
on earth, you will soon become used to the change.” 

“I shall always, always love my dear old school.” 

“You have not been permitted to see much of life as it is there, 
for various reasons. Roscoe and Lilian will spend many years 
there and undergo suffering such as you little cognize. But, 
away, away, speed thee to the bath.” 

This conversation took but a few minutes, while she was 
holding me in loving grasp and while we walked to a room on the 
other side, opposite my mothers, a large closet on earth, on spirit 
side a dainty bathroom. I do not think that mortals will have 
such a bathroom for many centuries. I know they will never 
have the water of the spirit life, with its perpetually rejuvenating, 
vivifying qualities. The entire room was of mother-of-pearl. 
The pool in the middle was encircled, except the steps where I 
descended, by beautiful lilies. From each chalice issued a spray 
of fragrant water, forming in the center a downpour of countless 
glistening drops which fell, upon my erect body, in a continuous 
stream of softly purring water. Every drop was composed of 
millions of tiny organisms who seemed to fondle and caress me 
as I laughed and sported with them for several moments, until 
Clarice, who had left me alone, returned saying, 

“It is time for study.” 

I arrayed myself in a fine white suit, similar, but more perfect 
in cut and fit, to those worn by boys of my age then on earth. 
It must be known that in the spirit life all exercise individual 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


31 


tastes. There are numberless styles. None follow any prevailing 
fashion but always select that which appeals to them. I seemed 
to glow with health and vigor. I glanced in a mirror and saw 
a sparkling face, with brilliant eyes, dazzling complexion, a per- 
fect face in all respects, such as I had never seen on earth, with 
an expression so joyous and radiant that I exclaimed, 

“Oh, John, of the woebegone, earth expression, how different 
you are here.” 

“I should say so. Here you are free from all illness and are 
able to express your birthright. There, you are a poor little 
prisoner under a severe law.” said a melodious voice. 

I saw Harold, my dear Tutor, my other Celestial Guide. He 
stood smiling lovingly at me. I made a bound and clasped him 
around the neck. 

“Dear Harold, it is such a joy always to see you again, after 
such a long time, as it seems, and yet but a few short hours.” 

Harold, a grand Celestial Angel, a man of great learning, was 
yet as simple and unostentatious as a little child. True greatness 
never assumes anything but is ever unaffected. So lovingly he 
returned my ardent caresses as he escorted me to one of the class 
rooms, on earth, but of course different in the spirit world. When 
I entered, it was free from all the attached spirits who were out 
of the earth school as it was after school hours, so we had the 
room to ourselves. 

Thus are we supervised on the spirit side by our dear angel 
tutors. By his side, on a couch, a desk in front of us laden with 
books, charts, globes, maps and various educational instruments 
not known on earth, I was soon so engrossed in study that I was 
amazed when he said, 

“Time to stop, John, you are advancing finely.” 

I looked up unto his glorious face, the strong, finely chiseled 
mouth and nose, the magnificent blue eyes, the noble brow with 
the hair brushed simply back, and thought, as I often did, how 
I loved him. I knew his was a labor of pure love. That he, 
of his own volition, had selected to devote his time to educating 
and training me until I would be able to advance alone. Every 
little spirit child, brought forth to enter the mortal school, is ever 
under the care of two Celestial Angels, generally a man and a 
woman, although not always. Although all the glories and joys of 
the Celestial Kingdom are open to them, they, impelled by the 
love of service, the most potent desire of all advanced souls, often 


32 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


devote much time to the mortal plane, the great mortal kinder- 
garten for God’s children, as well as to educate them in the real 
life. Having developed themselves from amoeba to self con- 
sciousness in man on their upward journey, familiar with all con- 
ditions, an epitome of all knowledge thus acquired, besides having 
been for thousands of cycles recipients of the soul gifts of love, 
wisdom and power from the dear Father, they are like unto 
Him infinitely loving and compassionate to the little ones, or all 
subjected to the dark and dreary earth life. And as I from my 
birth, in the real life, had either Clarice or Harold with me more 
than my dear father and mother, who were often, on the earth 
plane, away from me; when awake on the spirit plane naturally 
I loved them with as great a love, as I knew that their service 
was given simply for love, whilst the love of my dear parents 
was but the fulfillment of law in bringing forth children. Thus, 
although all love comes from the Father, all receive and express 
according to the development of our instruments, our spirit brains 
and minds. Divine Mind impresses us to form individual mind 
but we only express Divine mind when we, through individual 
will and effort, bring the individual mind into harmony. 

All parent love is impressed, is a part of the soul parent love 
of God. The love of the Celestial Angel, the universal love, 
while not equal to the parent love of God, is a love far superior 
to that expressed through parents, who have not attuned their 
instruments to express the love of God. Hence while my 
parents loved me devotedly they could not express the love of 
Clarice and Harold, for they were not Celestial Angels. Oh, 
this wonderful, all -pervading love of God, this love that creates 
and forms, that brings forth all that is expressed and manifested 
throughout all forms of life in the spirit and Celestial spheres. 
And as all is love, one is ever filled with an ecstasy a joy unknown 
on earth. The illumined alone, on that plane, experience occa- 
sionally this wonderful gift, and when they do they reflect, in a 
faint degree, the radiance of the spirit. But although this love 
is felt and expressed in varying degree, it does not do away with 
the fact that all spirit and Celestial life is but a higher expression 
of that cognized as the natural, therefore spirits are natural in 
all respects. They eat, sleep, drink, they have substantial bodies. 
They live always, as on earth, a purely natural life, with the 
exception that all is on a more perfect, grander scale, with disease, 
sin and death eliminated, the three hydra-headed monster of earth 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


33 


is neither known nor cognized, but understood to be illusions 
permitted for the sake of development. 

Harold took me on his knee, big boy that I was, and said kindly, 

“John, dear, you have had enough study, run out into the 
grounds and have a good time. You will not be attached until 
tomorrow morning and will have plenty of time.” 

With a parting hand clasp I left him in the study and passed 
through several rooms all vacated by the attached spirits, the 
school boys of the earth home, the teachers and maids, until I 
came to the outer hall leading into the large central one. Here 
were assembled many of our boys, still awake on earth, and, 
judging from the movement of their spirit bodies, at various 
games. I saw Roscoe among them, with his eyes closed, standing 
near Ella, and I knew that they were conversing through their 
mortal bodies which I could not see. I wished they were awake 
so that they could come with me. Then I thought I would see 
what my dear mother was doing. I found her outside, on the 
porch, sitting beside my father, both also on the mortal plane 
of consciousness. I thought how young and beautiful they were, 
so different and yet so similar to their mortal bodies. With each 
was a Celestial tutor. Attached spirits are never left alone, they 
must be cared for as they, unconscious and subject to the law 
of the mortal plane, wander to and fro. 

Knowing the perfect safety of all loved ones and that, regard- 
less how heartrending earth’s conditions appear, they in reality 
can come to no harm, that they cannot be taken from us by the 
illusory ideas of mortal life, that there is in truth no separation, 
no death, no real sorrow, knowing this naturally gives us a peace 
and joy that nothing can banish, and also the fortitude to bear 
on mortal plane that which would otherwise be unendurable. 
Hence it is that we, on earth, forget and do not realize death, sin 
nor disease until actually confronted with them, unless we are 
filled with forbodings given for the purpose of preventing these 
illusions from becoming verities on that plane. 

I looked with delight upon the porch, or open conservatory, 
where w^ere my parents, several angels and detached friends. It 
was a perfect bower of vines, ferns and flowers. Luxuriant 
masses of exquisite roses, of many colors, covered the sides of 
the porch. Here and there upon superb pedestals, and in exqui- 
site jardinieres, were flowers wonderful beyond compare, many 
immortals among them. On my mother’s arm perched a bird of 


34 


WHO AND WHAT AM 1? 


brilliant plumage, with notes sweeter, more thrilling than the 
nightingale, while peeping from vine, fern and flower were various 
birds of all hues, all free and happy. Several animals, pets of 
mine and the other children, also were straying about. My 
dear white kitty, a cat as white as snow and as pure and spotless, 
sought me and I stooped to hug her, while a dear dog of mine, 
that had become detached or died some time before, came to 
me with glowing eyes. 

“Dear brother mine,” I said, “how long will it be before you 
are like unto me.” 

This is the truth. There is not an animal in mortal life that is 
not destined in time to arrive at self consciousness and become 
a child of God. Therefore those who believe in reincarnation, 
familiar with involution and evolution, regard all animals as their 
lesser brethren, while many abstain from meat eating, repellent 
to the genuinely unfolded. But although it is true that all 
animals from low to high are regenerated on spirit side, with 
the mortal form to evolve within, it is not true that after attaining 
to self consciousness as an individual child, connected with the 
Divine mind of God, that the evolving spirit or monad must re- 
incarnate, a misleading term as no spirit ever incarnates but 
merely uses, for temporary periods, the material vehicle for pur- 
pose of developing certain qualities. 

All, in spirit spheres, treat with great tenderness and com- 
passion their lesser brethren, knowing what suffering awaits them 
on the mortal plane ere they arrive at self consciousness. My 
little dog had been detached from his vital and natural body for 
good, by that called death on earth. He would remain for an 
indefinite period in his present body, when some day he would 
be taken by the angels in charge of him, and many of his brethren, 
and that which is cognized as the monad, the spark from God, 
not the soul but the spark of the energy of God, materialized 
into the primordial cell, an offshoot of the original monad which 
had been transmitted to him to give him life, would be formed 
in another form to develop a higher consciousness, until, after 
repeated lives, he would develop the necessary qualities and the 
brain to fit him to become a Soul Child, to acquire through the 
lower forms all necessary experiences, recorded, after brain is 
formed, upon it never to be lost. 

God’s child must have brain developed to enable it to receive 
correctly, on vibrations, the soul gifts, as well as to be an epitome 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


35 


of all knowledge, from the primordial cell to archangel in com- 
plete unison with the Father. When this truth is understood 
one realizes more clearly the indissoluble tie linking all, the 
unity of all. Thus those races on earth, regardless how low in 
mental development or social scale, who cognize this truth, even 
though not advanced to cognize the truth that reincarnation 
stops with the animal, are on certain lines more unfolded spir- 
itually than those who believe in special creation. Both in real- 
ity true. Reincarnation up to man — special creation, in the 
sense that the evolving spirit becomes not a Soul Child of God 
until made in his image and likeness, in human form imperfect, 
in spirit like unto the Father and perfect. On mortal, more or 
less defective until, under the universal law of progression in all 
spirit spheres, the material bodies become more and more per- 
fect. The laws of the mortal plane, or material worlds, are vari- 
able and are changed according to the different stages of spiritual 
involution and evolution. 

But the difference between the development of the two worlds 
is necessarily very distinct. When life forms on spirit side are 
ready to be made into children of God, in God’s image, the child- 
ren are not imperfect, inferior beings like the Neanderthal type, 
or caveman, but are like unto the Father, and, as His children, 
ever under the care of advanced Angels who instruct them in 
all knowledge and wisdom. Hence the cave-men in the real 
life were on a high plane even though their physical bodies — 
through which they developed the remaining quality or qualities 
to be developed, or in truth to finish the development of the 
spirit brain — were of an inferior order. 

Spirits brought forth with sufficiently developed brains are not 
subject to mortal life. They are detached from the vital body 
upon being connected with the Divine mind, and thus obtain 
personality before brought forth on the mortal plane, or stillborn. 
There are millions of children in spirit worlds who have never, 
as conscious children of God, been subjected to mortal life, 
millions of whom their parents, while on earth, are not conscious 
of, but all know and love them in the real life. Thus, my brother, 
Jim, and my sister, Lottie, born on earth without life, were liv- 
ing in the real life. Under the law of universal progression of the 
Celestial Kingdom, God’s perfect changeless law, the material 
bodies necessarily advance. Under the variable law of the mor- 
tal plane, subject to the laws of the spiritual, all, under Angels 


36 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


who regulate these laws, the mortal plane of consciousness, in 
eternal existence — through suggested sin and suffering, develop 
essential qualities impossible to be developed otherwise, absolute- 
ly essential for all who have not — due to the variable laws of the 
material world — advanced as they should, who must have the 
necessary development ere they can advance in the real life. 

This means that the brain, the most important part of the 
spirit, if not a good instrument, must be developed to a high state 
of efficiency. Thinkers, on earth and in all spirit spheres, know 
it is not the pure Soul Child but the little entities of the brain 
that must be developed, and as he is the master at the helm, 
when he becomes self conscious he must undergo with them, 
conscious with and through them to a certain extent, the pain 
and suffering. When it was presumed that the Lord cast out 
evil spirits, it in truth was the little spirit entities of the brain, 
that were designated as evil spirits, which were brought into 
harmony ere healed. Those whom he could not heal, like many 
healers, simply were not ready but had more sinning and suffer- 
ing to undergo ere becoming detached. The righteous have brains 
developed on certain lines, or capable of being developed, to 
express the soul gifts. They do not sin as they are impressed 
more correctly, but advance through sickness and other afflictions. 
They do not sin but suffer hardships and vicissitudes of 
all kinds. These truths are known even by the very young on 
spirit side, but, at the time I lived on earth, and even today, they 
are not known and never given until through this instrument. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


37 


CHAPTER IV. 

Spirit Lipi;. 

I passed from the porch into the grounds. The gardens, 
orchards and fields of grain, of earth, were much more beautiful 
on spirit side. They not only had the life forms and vegetation 
of the mortal world, but many others much more beautiful. It 
was early evening. The soft tints of twilight — just after the 
sun had vanished as on earth, beyond the horizon — cast a rosy 
hue over all. The heavens were still ablaze with the rich hues 
and tints of a most entrancing sunset, confined, not solely to a 
small space, but extending all over the wide expanse. I never 
tired of admiring the sky with its ever-changing panorama of 
beauty. Oh, I thought, if mortals could only have one glimpse 
of this beauty. 

The grounds surrounding the house were filled with groups of 
men, women and children, attached and detached spirits. Many 
attached spirits, from far and near, who were detached or apart 
from their material bodies, while ill, entranced or asleep, many 
detached by death, who lived with or near us, had come to visit 
us. In our fields, beautiful grounds here, were several grand 
palaces, in our orchard, in one of the most beautiful of the pal- 
aces, lived my dear grandparents, my mother’s father and mother. 
Next, in another palace, my father’s mother and father had a 
home, which they often visited in order to be near their son, 
whom on earth they had treated so unkindly through false pride. 
With them lived my dear brother, Jim, and sister, Lottie. The 
gardens were not only lighted by the soft, rosy tones of the sun- 
set, great scintillating stars, and mammoth moon, but, upon 
great pillars, tea-houses and music halls, were globes of rare 
jewels emitting the soft yet brilliant light of radium, and, not the 
white glare of earth, but the golden glow of spirit electricity. 

Our grounds, as is the case with all attached homes, who have 
many detached loved ones and friends, were the rendezvous of 
countless friends and relatives, all brothers and sisters in the real 


38 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


life, all on an equal plane socially. In every home, all grounds 
are open to all. All love and know each other, whether they 
have ever met before or not, as children of the one Father, hence 
neither require nor need invitations, nor introductions. 

After greeting my dear grandparents, who were dancing in one 
of the pavilions, all young and radiantly handsome, with the 
universal youth and beauty of the real life, I hastened to look 
for my brother Jim, a great favorite and chum. I wired a 
thought, mental telepathy, to locate him. I received the answer, 
“Tea-house, on The Knoll.” Within a trice, although it was, 
at least, a quarter of a mile, so rapidly do spirits walk, with 
grace of motion unequalled on earth, I reached the unique tea- 
house, on a slight eminence called The Knoll. The tea-house, 
an open court of flowers and vines, enclosed with rare shrubbery, 
was on the summit of a tiny hill, a poem of floral beauty. The 
paths were of the softest pink moss. Pedestals, crowned with 
lights, were of huge diamonds — not crystals but diamonds, twined 
with feathery fragile ferns. In the center was a table of ame- 
thyst and pearl. A game, similar to billiards, was in progress. 
In sequestered nooks and corners, screened by palms and magni- 
ficent lilies, were gay young boys and girls, of about my age, 
drinking, not tea, like unto earth, but tea of most exquisite flavor, 
and other beverages. 

Jim came to greet me. He was playing with several others at 
the table, a pole in his hand. He was two years — according to 
earth time — my senior, with a face of rare charm, even for spirit 
life. Although of unusual beauty, he looked not unlike many 
well-groomed, cultured boys of earth, perfectly natural, had very 
rosy color — the blood came and went in waves of beauty, a strong 
physique — tall and muscular, and of remarkably high spirits. 

“Hello, old boy!” he exclaimed, slapping me on the back, 
“home again, back from the dear old earth where you have such 
a jolly time with all the dear ones who act so queerly there. I 
am glad I never lived there.” 

“So am I,” chimed in my cousin Edward, another stillborn on 
earth, “it makes me feel very uncomfortable to think of all you 
have to endure there.” Then he laughed immoderately, “Oh, 
Jim, do you remember when we played that prank at the haunted 
house?” 

Edward was a little older than I, a “gay young blade” the 
earth would call him, very mischievous, yes, mischievous, although 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


39 


perfectly harmless as there can be nothing harmful in the real 
life. Jim joined in with bursts of laugher, so contagious that 
1 could not refrain from laughing also. 

^^Oh, John, if you could have seen as we did. You know we 
are not allowed to enter the material consciousness, or perform 
any of the so-called phenomena of earth, until we attain to years 
of discretion, but, sometimes, for a little harmless fun, when we 
are free from school we go into it, and sometimes are tempted 
to frighten the dear ones there just to give them something to 
talk about. They seem to have such a dearth of ideas.” 

We were surrounded by a bevy of youths and girls, all rippling 
melodiously, as he continued, 

‘Tt was an old jail, a negro was in prison for murder, the man 
he had killed was only too glad to get home here and had ban- 
queted with him some nights after the murder. No negroes 
here, all God’s children, both had discussed the tragic murder, 
‘What fools we mortals be,’ the murdered man said, ‘what de- 
lusions, terrible while there, but thank God, not real.’ The idea 
then struck me to frighten the sheriff and the guards who were 
on guard, not, as presumed on earth, the poor old darkey. So 
Jim and I floated to the old jail and, as you all know, pelted the 
doors and windows with rock and missiles. The sheriff was the 
first to receive a small shot. Of course, we would not hurt them 
for they feel pain there, whatever it is, I never felt any, so only 
threw small ones at him and the guards, but large ones at the 
wall. When we saw the sheriff — the brave sheriff who never 
fled from mortals — flee from two boys with small pellets in their 
hands, no larger than marbles, and one or two guards fall on top 
of each other, who scarcely felt them, and saw the negro’s face 
almost white at the barred window, we laughed and laughed.” 

“Yes,” I said gravely, “you laughed because you do not know 
what fear or pain is. If you did, you would not laugh.” 

“How does it feel? Tell me again, John.” said Jim. 

“Oh! You, who have never been attached to mortal conscious- 
ly, who can only remember impressions and not experiences, as 
we do, never can conceive what it is, so it would be useless for me 
to attempt to explain. You know there is no death. You do 
not know what sin or disease or pain is. You will never know nor 
cognize them.” 

“Then why should you and so many be compelled to go to 


40 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


the earth school?” asked a little girl of about ten, with a cherub 
face, “I am so sorry for you all.” 

“No, you do not even know sorrow, you are but a child of joy 
and happiness.” I replied, somewhat sadly for a spirit. 

“Well, you do not cognize it here. No one, neither attached 
nor detached spirits do here.” interposed Charles, another boy 
detached early in life. 

“I know I do not understand, but I know it is very unpleasant, 
not agreeable when there. I remember the pain, though I cannot 
recall nor explain it.” 

“Nor can anyone in spirit life although many can recall the 
suffering, for that is the purpose for many.” replied Charles. 

“Why, why?” repeated the little girl. 

“Because, little sister, we are all trained differently. My 
brains did not need earth development, but I have had — in the 
University which I attend — very severe training, in the sense, 
that until my fourteenth year I was allowed but very little liberty 
and compelled to study almost incessantly.” 

“And I,” chimed in another, “have been compelled to develop 
a certain portion of my brain through repeated exercises, not to 
give me suffering, but to impress upon the stupid entities, com- 
posing it, the necessary discipline.” 

“And as you have to develop a portion, it is my fate to develop 
more on earth,” I said, “all as it should and must be.” 

“I am glad I do not need that kind,” exclaimed a merry voice, 
and a lovely girl, a blue-eyed, golden-haired angel, ran over to 
me and clasped me around the neck, “Oh, dear brother mine, 
how glad I will be when you are free.” My sister, Lottie, caressed 
me fondly and continued, “How I wish all were through with it.” 

“Let us talk of something else,” I answered, “I want to forget, 
and enjoy myself while I can.” 

We were just boys and girls, very much like mortal ones, 
with the same desires, hopes and aspirations, the dominant one, 
at that period, when the animal spirits were at their greatest 
potency, pleasure and fun. Lottie Jinked her arm in mine and, 
in the midst of a chattering group, we were soon gaily walking, 
and singing as we wended our way, through a labyrinth of beauty 
and fragrance, to a little lake. In the center was a small isle 
upon which was a turreted pagoda all aglow with lights. We 
entered and were soon, all at the same time, looking through a 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


41 


telescope. This instrument, of great size, was made to enable 
a great number to use simultaneously. 

We focussed upon Mars, the spiritual Mars, not the material, 
invisible to us, on earth. We saw distinctly, not a great globe 
whirling through space, but great countries with oceans, very 
similar topography to our world, with the exception of an im- 
mense river seemingly parting two continents, a river hundreds 
of miles in width, entirely different from the oceans. Upon the 
river were magnificent cities, equal in splendor to ours. 

All spiritual worlds, at certain stages of development, after 
they become ready for the children of God to emerge from the 
animal, are developed and prepared to be fitting abodes by the 
highest archangels. Thus they first evolve conjointly the spiritual 
and material world. They form or group scientifically, out of 
the existing life principle, and spiritual substance, the spiritual 
world, and the physical within. Thus through various stages of 
formation, from nebulae to great molten mass, the cooling process 
— glacier period, until ready for the sun’s rays to produce vegeta- 
tion from the life impregnated rock and mineral, later life in 
the primordial cell. All sections fertilized by the heat of the 
sun, seemingly, to mortal sense, but, in reality, the energy of 
God transmitted on numberless vibrations, not the life principle 
or vital force, already existing in all forms of substance, the con- 
sciousness which develops through various species, until soul con- 
sciousness is received directly from God. 

Thus, it can be seen that all do not emerge simultaneously, 
making that which is supposed to be the difference in the various 
races on earth, but not in the real life, where all children of God 
are not like their mortal prototypes, but their Father. The 
children, or people of Mars, that we saw were, therefore, as per- 
fect and flawless in feature and form, of as developed types as 
our own. They had for many aeons been evolved from the 
animal, and were on a high plane of spiritual development. Their 
mortal vehicles also were on a superior plane to ours. 

We viewed with delight its wonderful mountain ranges and 
some peaks of volcanic nature of tremendous size. One vast, 
open crater we saw very plainly. 

“That is like the Karma Loca of that strange belief you tell 
us about sometimes.” said Lottie to an angel who had joined us. 
He was one of our teachers and was one of those whom the 
Buddhist religion cognize as Lords, who create the worlds or 


42 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


planetary systems, in fact, an Archangel, in charge of one of the 
departments of mortal life and schooling. 

“Karma Loca is what its name implies,” I smiled, “Not a real 
place of punishment but an illusive state of consciousness per- 
mitted, as all such states are, to give the suggested pain necessary 
to develop those who need fear, to keep them within bounds, 
from going entirely loca or crazy.” 

“Why do they need fear?” asked Lottie, “I am sure all our 
dear ones are good, why must they be frightened?” 

“Dear child,” the learned Angel smiled tenderly, ‘no child of 
God needs fear in this world, but the mortal world needs other 
conditions, and a state of consciousness, to bring their real brains 
under control. Without that cognized as fear, at certain stages 
of advancement, no child could advance. Though you have not 
needed these states as a conscious child of God, every little entity 
in your brain has been developed through fear mainly, and all, 
in charge of your vital organs, have learned their lessons through 
fear and pain.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


43 


CHAPTER V. 

My son John, upon being healed, was so overwhelmed with 
amazement and delight, in such an excited frame of mind, that 
Dr. Morton and I forbade all, excepting the family, to see him. 
Dr. Stevenson became an enthusiastic convert and importuned 
me to permit him to attend our seances. 

At first I peremptorily refused, recalling his contemptuous 
remarks, but my better nature prevailed and I let him attend 
several, with the result that, to our surprise, he developed clair- 
voyance to a considerable extent, and often, while John’s body 
was being used, (not controlled as he was absent from his body), 
he discerned the spirits quite accurately, and also saw and de- 
scribed Dr. Morton’s wife and daughter so well that we had no 
doubt that he really saw them. Notwithstanding all the proofs 
we had, my wife remained more or less skeptical and insisted 
upon us giving up investigations for a period of several years. 

John improved rapidly physically and mentally, and graduated 
at eighteen. He had, with the exception of occasional trances, 
generally at night, apparently outgrown all of a psychical nature. 
Only Dr. Morton and I knew of the few times we had him en- 
tranced, in class, when none of the other boys were present. As 
I saw no evil effects, only a clearer comprehension, a brighter 
mental attitude, more hopeful and loving, I naturally did not 
share my wife’s fears. 

At that time spiritualism was being investigated by all classes. 
The Fox sisters’ marvellous powers had started many who had 
never dreamed of any of the dear ones being able to leave the grave 
until “Gabriel sounded his horn,” with the result that our little 
city was more than zealous in seeking the unknown. As is always 
the case in every religion and philosophy, charlatans and frauds 
became so numerous that it was almost impossible for the super- 
ficial to judge between them. My wife had seen so many un- 
developed ones, ignorant of even their own language, who claimed 
to be controlled by advanced spirits, who could not express them- 
selves intelligibly, that she naturally was not impressed favorably; 


44 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


while there were many who had proved, through genuine psychics, 
continuity and the survival of the individual personality, there 
was a much larger number who, having fallen in with charlatans 
and fakers, were disgusted and could not be made to believe in 
even the genuine ones. 

They, within a short time, in our neighborhood, gave all spir- 
itualism such a bad name, that few were brave enough to acknow- 
ledge belief. The current set in so strongly against it, that my 
wife, fearing we would lose prestige, counselled me to refrain from 
discussing John’s case with anyone. I had received considerable 
information regarding spiritual matters. That which pleased me 
especially was the fact that we lived in spiritual bodies, as sub- 
stantial as the material, and that, not the soul, pure and holy, 
but the spirit brain must be developed in the mortal life through 
attachment to a physical body. I had delved deep into all re- 
ligions and philosophies, had selected the chaff from the wheat, 
and formed a belief of my own before John upset my pet belief 
in reincarnation. I soon realized I had to change, with the light 
received from him, many of the, in truth, incorrect impressions 
of undeveloped psychics, who, with a great command of language 
and knowledge of the various religions and philosophies of all 
nations, disguised their paucity of ideas with high-sounding words 
and meaningless phrases. 

As I also was a member of a Masonic Lodge and was incul- 
cated with their teachings, I could not grasp the Divinity of the 
Lord Jesus Christ, save as an angel or a great master, one of the 
many, I believed, who are prepared to usher in a New Dispensa- 
tion, and as the wise ones who used John’s body could give me 
no real satisfaction and generally answered me evasively or 
symbolically, T, while I lived, believed and taught about Him as 
an Elder Brother, or a Messiah. 

I believed in God uncreate, the Infinite Being, the Absolute. 
Never could I cognize the Father, taught by Christ. When I 
thought of the spirit, Christ, I thought of Him as advanced Angel 
but nothing higher. Thus, like presumed advanced thinkers, I 
deemed it betokened lack of brain development to believe in a 
Supreme Being, or Spiritual Embodiment like Him, not realizing 
that through lack of certain development in myself I was not 
able to comprehend the truth. 

When John was eighteen he had grown so in stature, nearly 
six feet, and was so well developed physically, that no one could 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


45 


believe he had ever been a weakling. He was the pride and joy 
of his mother’s life, and the pet and favorite of all who knew 
him intimately. After much thought I decided to let him study 
law with a dea^friend, Colonel Mathews, a Southerner of position 
and family. As John had been reared in an atmosphere of love, 
and all pertaining to the realities of life kept from him, with no 
knowledge of evil, I knew he was not fitted to cope with life, and, 
had he not importuned me so persistently, saying he would only 
take certain cases and, possibly, not be admitted to the bar, I 
consented. How he ever conceived the idea was a mystery to 
me, but as he admired and loved the Colonel I thought it was 
really in order to be with him. The Colonel did not like the idea 
of subjecting him to conditions and associations which are neces- 
sarily attached to public life. Dr. Morton, especially, was very 
indignant and advised me strongly to “put my foot down” and 
prevent it. 

“It is like putting an ewe lamb in the midst of wolves. If 
this is what we trained him for, God pity him, a babe in innocence 
and ignorance of evil.” 

My wife, Ella, Roscoe, Lilian and Tom, also a student with 
the Colonel, begged me not to consent. Ella sobbed, “Oh, why 
will you, you know he will lose all his illusions, all his ideals, he 
will know the truth.” 

John, with the saint’s face and Godly nature, still possessed 
an indomitable will when what he considered right was involved, 
and, as all was right with him, he knew no wrong, he could see 
no wrong in opposing us all gently and firmly. He laughed at 
our fears, saying, “Anybody would think that the Colonel and 
Tom would eat me, father, mother, Ella. I will learn something 
about the world in which we live, and the people who are our 
brothers and sisters.” 

How bitterly I regretted not training him like Roscoe and Tom. 
I hated to besmirch the snow-white purity of his mind with that 
which had to be told ere I could let him go. I feared the effect, 
nay, I feared his non-comprehension and, alas, through non- 
comprehension doing some act which might ruin him. Unable 
to tell him myself I forced the unwelcome task upon Dr. Morton. 
With fear and trembling I awaited the Doctor’s report. I had 
sent him to John’s room and paced the hall listening to their 
voices, dreading to hear what they said. I heard John exclaim 
in startled tones once or twice and, for the first time, detected 


46 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


pain and scorn in his voice. Then there was a long silence, I 
heard suppressed sighs, an inarticulate murmur, and the Doctor 
emerged white and shaken. “I’d rather have been shot.” he 
murmured, as we silently withdrew to my study. 

“Oh, what asses we have been,” he cried, sinking into an arm- 
chair and burying his face in his hands. I, no less shaken, 
tottered to another and gazed into space, almost incapable of 
thought. At last the Doctor raised his face and looked at me 
with sombre eyes, 

“We have made a beautiful mess of it,” he sighed, “our dream 
of a love-filled, Elysian life is indeed gone forever. Well, I fear 
it will terminate in a brain gone astray with horror and despair, 
when he realizes that all we have taught him is false and rotten 
at the core. Yes,” he continued, “when I told him the truth he 
said, with such a look of despair I could not bear to see on his 
face, ‘Then there is no truth in anyone: you, my father, mother, 
Ella, all are false. Oh, God.’ ” 

“Oh, God! Oh, God!” I almost sobbed, “where can we go to 
for consolation? Oh, that we had not kept him from his inner 
life.” 

“That is his sole salvation, after thinking deeply he said, 
‘Doctor, I know the truth, all your views are false delusions, in- 
correctly received truth. I remember in one of my soul detach- 
ments how we laughed at your dearth of ideas. Although I could 
not understand them then — I do now, I feel I am to be put 
out in the world of men for a purpose, and though it be fraught 
with suffering and disillusionment, in some respects, knowing the 
truth as I do, I will still keep true to truth, free from your 
illusions.’ ” 

“Thank God, thank God,” I murmured, “he will conquer, he 
will be given strength.” 

The door opened noiselessly, John stood before us, a martyr’s 
light in his beautiful eyes. Never was his voice more love filled, 
never was there such peace and sanctity in his mien, as he sank, 
like a little child, before me, saying, 

“Father, dear, I have always known we are very different here 
from our real selves in the true life, but as you and all my dear 
ones have surrounded me with such love and tenderness, hoping 
to keep me free from the delusions of this life, that I, even though 
told now by the Doctor, can scarcely understand, I can only 
love and pity you all. I know, dear Father, I will never under- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


47 


stand as you do, but do not think that your delusions will ever, 
can ever shake my knowledge or dim the faith I have in our lov- 
ing Lord Jesus Christ, our Father in the real life.” 

For the first time I thanked the Lord Jesus Christ as a Divine 
Being. “Not in vain, not in vain. Oh, Father, have been your 
teachings. Thank Thee, thank Thee, great God, keep him pure 
and undefiled.” 

After a few moments devoted to prayer, John arose saying 
he would commence his studies in the morning. 

Everyone is familiar with Kentucky, fair and gracious land of 
charming women, gallant men, blue grass and highbred thorough- 
breds. On one of its peerless mornings, in the little City of 
Lexington, built upon the site of an old block-house, just be- 
ginning to assume metropolitan airs, two stately men of the old 
Southern stock sat engrossed in earnest conversation. One was 
Ella’s father, Dr. Langdon, the other was Colonel Mathews. 
Dr. Langdon had married a sister of my wife’s, also against 
parental advice, and followed us West after Ella was born. 
They had lived in Indiana for a short while, then in Missouri, 
and, later, settled permanently near us to my dear wife’s joy. 

Dr. Langdon, at this time, was about forty-five, a stalwart, 
muscular man. He was a college graduate, of considerable in- 
tellectual attainments. Colonel Mathews had been educated in 
England, admitted to the bar in Old Virginia, and, following the 
advice of the Doctor, his most intimate friend, had honored our 
little town by becoming its most popular and leading legal as 
well as social light. 

To know was to love him. A patrician born and bred, and 
still a Democrat to his heart’s core. Grand and gracious in 
manner, he combined the polish and “savoir faire” of the “haut 
ton”, with the simplicity and utter freedom from false pride of 
the numberless humble trappers and frontiersmen, who flocked 
to him with their troubles and tributes of all descriptions. He 
was a very handsome man at this time, about forty-six, tall, with 
a figure of perfect proportions, a carriage of great grace, a mag- 
nificent pair of eyes which glowed with all the fervor of the South, 
tempered by a sweetness almost childlike. A strong chin, well 
defined Grecian nose, flashing white teeth, wavy black 
hair — rather long and carelessly brushed back from the high 
smooth forehead, and a smile as tender and love inspiring as a 
woman’s, were a few of his attractions. 


48 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


His character was, like Caesar’s wife, above suspicion, and yet, 
paradoxical as it may seem, due to those who did not understand, 
detractors and enemies, his character was often assailed, but 
general reputation for being honorable never suffered. He was 
a widower with one son just entering manhood, the idol of his 
heart, one of my boys — the classmate and chum of Roscoe. 

“I regret that Randolph,” said Dr. Langdon decidedly, “was 
forced to consent. I tremble for the boy, his aunt Martha is 
grief-stricken, she knows how much Ella loves him and cannot 
bear to see her so upset.” 

The Colonel arose from his seat before his desk, and walked 
to the window before replying. He looked forth upon the small 
park and courthouse with unseeing eyes, and remained so long 
silent that the Doctor said, 

“Well, Will, what do you think will be the outcome of this 
most idiotic decision, after the more idiotic training he has had, 
simply to gratify Randolph’s love of the other world. Pity he 
cannot be satisfied with this.” 

The Colonel turned slowly and said even more slowly, ‘Charles, 
do you know, I do not think Randolph has anything to do with 
it.” 

“What, are you another idiot,” grunted the Doctor, “you, with 
your intellect and education, your knowledge of science and in- 
sight into true philosophy, know the absurdity of all spiritualism.” 

“Yes, from your standpoint, I can see the folly and fallacy, 
but from my own inner vision, even though I have repeatedly 
unmasked fake mediums, I believe in Omnipotence so omnipresent 
and omniscient as to leave nothing to chance, therefore feel with- 
out doubt or reservation that all is as He wills.” 

“Humph,” the Doctor growled, “you surely are not so be- 
muddled as to believe in a personal power or Supreme Being.” 

“I am not so sure about it myself. Mind, on this plane, in 
this life, must have media for expression, cannot be expressed 
except through beings. In all worlds it must be the same, or 
mind remains unexpressed. I cannot think that poor, erring 
human ants are the highest.” 

“I thought you believed, as I did, in the Absolute. What has 
changed you? Surely not those puerile charlatans and fakers.” 

“Stop, Charles, you cannot call John a faker.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


49 


The Doctor flushed as he answered sadly, “No one loves John 
more than I, he seems almost a saint to me, a superior being, 
but I really believe he has a peculiar brain formation which 
makes him imagine all he sees and hears.” 

“How do you explain all he tells that he has neither seen nor 
heard, that at no time in this life has been impressed on the 
retina of the eye, or the tympanum of the ear.” 

“Mind, reading the minds, unconsciously, of those present.” 

“Ah, how about those not present, not living, such as the 
Doctor’s wife and daughter, his sister Lottie, Jim, and all the 
others he tells about.” 

“From the minds of those who know them.” replied the Doctor. 

“What about the messages and facts, substantiated later, that 
no one living knows? Ah, I have you there.” 

“Well,” assented the doctor, “I must confess I am staggered. 
I, a man of science, of some mind, unclouded intellect, cannot 
answer.” 

“Yes,” smiled the Colonel, “you could and would, were you 
not honest, with sophistry and unsound logic.” 

“To others, possibly, but not to one who thinks and knows.” 

“Truth at last. Doctor. How often have I smiled when hear- 
ing you assail, to the ignorant and gullible, this false philosophy.” 

The discussion was terminated by the entrance of a younger 
edition of the Colonel, but by no means more attractive or 
winning, though equally as favored. The Colonel’s eyes glowed 
as they rested upon the idol of his heart, the most precious relic 
of a worshipped wife, whose memory was still fresh and green 
though she had been under the daisies for at least ten years. 

“William, my son, you are somewhat late. Give an account 
of yourself, Sirree,” remarked the Colonel, as the young man, 
about twenty-four, took his seat at a desk opposite his father. 
“Oh, I know,” he continued smiling, “off to see Ella, I presume, 
to discuss the latest about John. A very good pretext, you and 
Roscoe had better look to your laurels, were not Ella older than 
John I fear you would have no chance.” 

To his father’s dismay and sorrow, William paled perceptibly, 
ere he replied rather nervously, “With two such gallants, small 
is my chance, I fear.” 


50 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


‘‘Stronger than any,’’ the Doctor interposed jocosely, “I think, 
Roscoe and John are her cousins. Cousins do not marry in our 
family.” 

“That does not always prevent loving,” rather sadly replied 
William. 

“Certainly not, in a fraternal and sisterly manner.” smiled the 
Doctor, as he arose to depart. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


51 


CHAPTER VI. 

Spirit LiRi; 

It was dawn. The sun, a great golden globe, seemingly very 
much larger than on earth, appeared above the horizon. It was 
surrounded by circles of constantly changing tints and hues, of 
rose and turquoise. Encircling these, as far as the eye could 
reach, the heavens glowed, a mass of pale gold, through which 
the great stars gleamed as visible as at night. The gold changed 
into various hues until the sky became a luminous azure, of an 
iridescence exquisitely beautiful. On a trail, barely visible 
through the just awakening flowers, a lonely youth wended his 
way. The trail was on the side of a large hill, covered with grass 
more beautiful than the green grass of Kentucky, lustrous as 
satin, soft as velvet, of emerald and pink commingled. Flowers 
sparkled over the hills and meadows, with diversified masses of 
bloom and fragrance. Ferns of feathery lace, entangled with 
vines of various colors more dazzling than splendid autumn tints, 
covered great boulders and rocks. Here and there a giant tree, 
with outstretching branches, solicited attention. Trees of per- 
fect symmetry and grace, never seen on earth, apparently alive, 
quivering like the sensitive plant, conscious of all surroundings, 
as conscious as many animals on the mortal plane. 

The youth Jim was, at break of day, to visit his brother, John, 
ere John would be attached to his mortal body. Jim was in the 
floating or flying garb of the attached spirit, worn generally by 
the detached spirit when flying or bathing. It was of one piece 
and fell in folds to the ankle, exposing the feet in soft sandals. 
It was of a smooth, sheeny white, spotless as newly fallen snow, 
exposing also the finely rounded neck, throat and shoulders as 
white as glistening marble. Nothing covered his head excepting 
a luxuriant mass of fine auburn hair, falling, as he walked rapid- 
ly, somewhat over his full forehead. His face was cut like a 
cameo in classic lines, perfectly moulded lips as red as the car- 
mine flowers welcoming him as he passed. A straight perfect 


52 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


nose, strong chin, superb blue eyes, heavily fringed lashes, thick 
eyebrows, dazzlingly white teeth, a skin of great purity and 
delicacy flushed with exercise, made an exceedingly attractive 
appearance. But it was the vivacity, the sparkle and life, which 
held attention. A boy’s face, as natural as any on earth, but so 
alive with animation as to appear as though emitting a light and 
radiance, inconceivable on mortal plane. Just a boy, with a love 
of fun and frolic, little different from the mortal boy excepting 
in morals and spirituality. He almost flew over the trail until 
he came to where it descended into a valley, through which coursed 
a small stream. The valley, like the hill, was uninhabited, no 
form of life excepting a flying bird was visible. Jim looked with 
delight upon the hills, encircling the valley on three sides, and on 
one where it extended into a vast forest. 

“How I love to be alone with nothing but the forest with its 
dear denizens to welcome me.” he exclaimed in loud, musical 
voice, as he hurried to the edge of the forest and looked for an 
opening. 

Not a tiny space was visible but a Son of God desired admit- 
tance. The underbrush, almost as high as the trees where the 
first branches grew, within a moment, conscious of his presence, 
subservient to his loving power, threw themselves in compact 
masses on either side, and, as he entered, made a way for him. 
All forms of life, in spirit spheres, are lovingly subservient to God’s 
children. They do not know, are not conscious that they are 
developing form and brain to become children of God, but, im- 
pressed under law with the love, they express that love, as do all 
forms of life, in acts of consideration and kindness. 

Jim laughed merrily and spoke to every form of life — ^bird, 
reptile and animal which he encountered as onward he sped. 
Not one made a move to detain him. Detached lions, panthers, 
great cobra de capellos, looked at him with love-filled eyes. He 
stopped for a moment near a panther in a comatose state, on 
the mortal plane. 

“I hear you do very strange things when you dream on earth,” 
he murmured, “but I am glad that you cannot here, for I might 
know that which they call fear, but, dear old fellow, you are my 
brother and if you are bad there you are good here and I love 
you.” 

Such is the attitude of all spirits to all lesser forms of life. 
Jim glanced through an opening in the great canopies of trees 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


53 


overshadowing, and caught a glimpse of the sun. As he knew 
it was time for John to be attached he wired a thought to Harold, 
John’s Celestial tutor, 

“Dear Harold, please do not attach John until I arrive.” 

It really meant no more than a boy asking a parent or guardian 
on earth not to send the child to school. It will not hurt dear 
old John if he is. kept a few moments longer from that unpleasant 
state of consciousness, he thought. Laughing merrily over the 
delusions of old earth, he fixed his gaze upon the allurements of 
the forest, ever a great pleasure to him, the underbrush quiver- 
ing with life, the trees vibrating in unison, the insects and lesser 
forms of microscopic life murmuring soft benedictions, filled him 
with joy. A peat, white rhinoceros arose before him; next to 
him, reclining in a clearing, was a splendid white elephant. Both 
stood up before him with an audible greeting, which he interpreted 
correctly, “Very glad to see you.” He patted them as he passed 
to where a great condor, in a mammoth tree, was resting, with 
a brilliant bird of gay plumage held close in loving embrace. 

Love filled, breathed, quivered through the atmosphere. Love 
vibrated through living forms of life. Love enveloped and en- 
compassed him. 

“Oh, dear brethren mine,” he murmured, “how good it is to 
love as we do. Were it not for the strange feelings and experi- 
ences I sometimes have when asleep, I’d not know of anything 
else, but they make me realize that something very different was 
felt by and recorded on my brain as it was developed in the lower 
forms, like these, on earth.” 

He emerged from the forest and stood, with the spirit’s love of 
beauty, gazing upon the entrancing scene below him. A lake 
of quivering water, golden tinted, with tiny waves of fleecy white, 
was in the middle of a virgin park of immortal trees and vegeta- 
tion, unlike the vgetation of the forest which were the life forms 
of the attached forest within it. This lake and park were in a 
section of Kentucky, on earth never to be used by attached 
spirits or mortals, hence of immortal beauty, beauty ever to exist, 
immune to change or destruction also, entirely unlike much of 
the vegetation of spirit life which is constantly regenerated or 
replaced by others in the cities and centers of population. The 
immortal flowers, ever the most beautiful, lilies of various species 
and sizes, of extreme fragility and matchless texture, great chal- 
ices of gold and various colors, roses, chrysanthemums, the earth’s 


54 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


choicest, the spirit’s most perfect, unknown on earth, were on 
floating isles on the lake. 

Surrounding the lake was a hedge of exquisite flowers and 
vines, and, beyond, in the intervening spaces, between it and a 
lofty mountain peak, were great groups of trees and bushes of 
various sizes, covered with berries and nuts of all colors. Frol- 
icking like little children, various domestic animals of the earth 
liberated here by death, enjoying years of peace before re- 
generating into higher forms, were passing their sojourn in this 
place ere returning to earth repeatedly until they become self 
conscious as children of God. Jim espied in the distance a spirit 
in charge of them. 

All detached, as well as attached animals, are under the super- 
vision of either spirits or advanced animals, ready to be trans- 
formed and made in the image and likeness of God. The ad- 
vanced animals have been cognized, on earth, as nature spirits 
or group spirits, by different philosophies and religions. The 
spirit in charge, a magnificent specimen of muscular activity and 
strength, was entirely nude. He was sitting on a floral bank 
with his back exposed, as Jim approached, a most beautiful back, 
of satiny smoothness and exquisite texture. He arose and, un- 
ashamed, stood in his wondrous beauty before Jim. 

“Well, Jim boy, out on one of your jaunts, I see,” he smiled 
in greeting. Jim replied, 

“Yes, William, and you enjoying as usual the perfect peace 
and tranquility.” 

“Yes, I loved animals on earth and thought them more faith- 
ful than the average mortal, not knowing the truth. I love them 
more here and am glad that often the newly liberated spirit, like 
myself, selects to live with them until he conquers all erroneous 
beliefs and fits himself to become in harmony with truth.” 

“Yes, but you can go where you will when you desire. No one 
is restricted here.” 

“Of course, and I have many friends to visit me.” 

“I’d stop a while,” said Jim, “but I am to meet John and must 
speed on.” 

“And I must take my daily plunge,” said William, starting for 
the lake with wondrous strength and grace. 

“Verily, the spirit form is divinely beatiful, thought Jim, 
casting a look at William ere departing. Ascending the lofty 
peak with unabated vigor and constantly renewed buoyancy. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


55 


Jim stood on its summit and gazed on the landscape beneath, 
A great stock ranch, — horses of all sizes were resting on the 
velvet sward, cantering alone or in groups, in great fields of green 
vegetation or sky-soaring trees. In the center of the vast fields 
was a white stone, turreted building, like an earth castle, covered 
with ivy and vines. It was a charming and picturesque domicile 
for the superintendent and his assistants, the superintendent, 
whom Jim had just parted with, his assistants, spirits and ani- 
mals. One of these animals, between an ape and a man, ap- 
proached as Jim descended near the castle. 

He was one of many who are to be brought forth in the future, 
upon the earth, when all of the present human race become ex- 
tinct and a new is to be evolved, countless aeons ere that period. 
He had to be brought forth as the lowest type of being, the 
being just after the animal, anterior to the human, ere ready to 
be made self conscious, with the intelligence of an amtomaton, 
the low scale beings, who perform the menial work not per- 
formed by machinery of the spirit world. He approached Jim 
and spoke in intelligible language, though not in English, the 
animal language known to all spirits. 

His voice was soft and delicately attuned. His eyes shone 
with kindness. Jim greeted him affectionately and sped on. 
“I think I will fly.” he murmured, extending his arms and poising 
like a bird to take flight. His arms fell to his sides as he softly 
arose, at first floating, then, as he willed, flying with the celerity 
of the wind through the unpopulated atmosphere, for he was 
far from the little spirit city of Lexington. No great detached 
cities were near, on earth, to the haunts of the red man, out in 
the wilderness, the great unpopulated districts of Kentucky. As 
he flew he noted beneath him many attached spirits, with their 
guides or tutors, in forests and on rivers. 

These were attached to the wild savages who were then de- 
solating certain sections of the middle west. Jim was familiar 
with their undeveloped acts, murders, rapines, depredations, etc. 
but did not cognize. He knew that in truth they had no 
reality, in the sense that all mortal life for the spirit is but a 
state of consciousness. So he gaily greeted the guides, as he 
flew by, perfectly unconscious of the atrocities being committed 
by the spirits through their Indian bodies on earth. Ere long 
he arrived at Lexington and, before going to his grandfather 


56 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


where he lived, he flew to the home where his attached parents 
and family lived. 

It was located, as described by John, in the same place as the 
material, or rather the material within it — both seemingly in the 
same place although not really so, due to the speed and potency 
of vibrations. Thus Jim arrived at the charming spiritual home, 
within which was the colonial home of the earth plane, and 
alighted on the veranda, vacated at this early hour by ail the 
attached spirits except the old negro, on earth, who acted as 
janitor and general factotum, a fine handsome spirit, going 
through all the movements done by his mortal body. 

Jim ran to his brother’s room. All the rest of the family were 
still dreaming, after being attached, before awakening on earth. 
Jim found John with his tutor, Harold. John, as tall at this 
time — eighteen on the mortal plane — as Jim, and very much like 
him in appearance, arose and threw his arms around his brother. 
His expression was of a saintly sweetness, a Divine light beamed 
in his eyes, a radiance (not seen on Jim’s face which, while kindly, 
gracious, was full of boyish merriment) seemed to glorify him 
as one more unfolded in wisdom — which was the truth. Although 
Jim had never lived on earth and had always been in spirit life, 
with superior advantages, unfamiliar with evil, he had not ad- 
vanced as far in soul wisdom as John had when liberated at night 
by sleep. 

While it is true that spirit brain must be brought in harmony 
to be a good instrument, before one can advance, there are many 
who have brains in sufficiently good condition to be detached, 
who still have a certain portion which cannot be developed except 
on certain lines. As the free will of a child of God, in the real 
life, is a truth, a child, who devotes more time to pleasure and 
amusement than to study and service, cannot advance in love 
and wisdom as one who does. Hence, although John was still 
attached to the mortal, when free at night he had willed to devote 
himself to acquiring knowledge, and serving, in many loving ways, 
others. Therefore his countenance reflected greater love and 
radiance. On earth faces are often deceitful, many sweet, 
magnetic ones false and deceptive, but on spirit side all reflect 
only truth. 

“Well, dear brother,” said Jim, after John had pulled him on 
the couch near him, “I do not like to see you go back to that 
old school, I will be so happy when you are free, especially now 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


57 


you have been told so many things there that you do not like, 
and you are going to study law to force people, while at school, 
to do right. That seems so strange to me, to force one to do 
right, not to do the evil things of mortal life.” 

“Yes, Jim,” said Harold, “it seems strange to you but I have 
explained it to John. He knows that all, he included, are not 
only under divine and spiritual law, as you are and as he is in 
this life, but also under the laws of mortal life, called natural 
laws, and also man-made laws, rules for governing and restraining 
those who, under the law of the spirit life regulated by us here, 
are impressed to wage a perpetual conflict between that called 
the spiritual and the material. He knows as you do that mortal 
life, while the life and body are real, is but a phase of conscious- 
ness, that while his hopes, ideals, aspirations, loves, all that is real 
is of him, all that is suggested to him as evil is but a phase of 
consciousness that is wiped out when he is detached by trance, 
sleep or death.” 

“Oh, I know, just like our dreams suggested to give experience.” 

“The most perfect manner to develop a brain is to make all 
its denizens live and feel the experiences which are to develop it. 
The material brain is in the spiritual brain which feels, with the 
material brain, all that is necessary.” 

“Wh/ do you, John, want to study law when you know the 
truth and you remember a good deal after you awaken there?” 
asked Jim. 

“You know, Jim, that I, on that plane, know but little of the 
methods of development there. I am ignorant of all so-called 
evil. I want to know and I want to help others there. That is 
permitted here. All who desire to help others are helped by our 
Tutors and the tutors of others. While many on earth can never 
develop mentally, morally or spiritually, there are many who can ; 
therefore, as all in reality live here, all who desire to help on 
that plane are helped here and there to become instruments. 
All unselfish desires and prayers are granted and assisted in many 
ways.” 

“John is to make many realize ’there,” said Harold, “that evil 
is not right, that he who conquers it — is not greater than another, 
but a better instrument to express truth there. Besides John’s 
discipline demands it, he must endure more ere he develops 
several qualities.” 

The door opened and Ella stood before them. Her beauty 


58 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


was much greater than on earth. It was more chaste, a more 
spiritual light shone in her wonderful eyes, her superb figure was 
much more willowy and graceful. She was in every way a per- 
fect counterpart of her mortal body. 

“Good morning,” she remarked, “I thought I would bid you 
God speed, dear John, before you awaken there.” 

John’s face, as he beheld her, became illumined with the soul 
mate love, the most potent love, next to the worship of the 
Father, in existence. Boy though he was he always realized 
the truth, as do all who are familiar with the divine law of the 
twin soul. Not, as taught by some on earth, is one soul divided 
in twain to be reunited in one angel after progressing through 
countless spheres. All progression is done in spirit spheres. All 
wisdom and knowledge is received from the Celestial instruments. 
All knowledge and wisdom is impressed upon and transmitted to 
the physical vehicles, according to the receptivity of their brains. 

Spirits, after attaining to self consciousness, become children 
of God, not until connected with the Divine Mind by their 
Celestial tutors, or those in charge of them, do they become self 
conscious. All consciousness comes from God. All life comes 
from him. The consciousness transmitted to His children, while 
emanating primarily from Him or Divine Mind, is entirely dis- 
tinct from His individual consciousness as Supreme Being. The 
consciousness of His children never becomes, or is the conscious- 
ness attributed to the Absolute, Divine Mind or Principle. 

When they advance to Archangels, as all do in time, they 
become conscious, from their connection with Divine Mind, with 
the consciousness of all wisdom, all love, all power, and become, 
in this sense, a part of the great creative system, so in harmony 
with Divine law as to be able, under it, to put all their Father’s 
principles in operation, but never do they submerge or lose their 
consciousness in that of the Absolute or God. Each one ever 
retains his or her individuality and personality, the personality 
brought forth conjointly in the spirit and mortal worlds. There- 
fore, twin souls are not twins, in the sense that both are one soul 
or that both have been brought forth simultaneously, in full 
harmony with each other at time of birth. The Celestial Angels 
select those who are developed as soul mates, and train and de- 
velop them to be in unison, in harmony, on all lines. Although 
Ella was brought several years before John she had been ordained 
for his mate. Both in the spirit life were brought forth with 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


59 


brains composed of similar entities, impressed with the same 
attributes or characteristics. Not, as presumed on earth, is that 
co^ized as heredity responsible for similar characteristics in 
spirits and their offspring. In truth no spirit ever inherits traits, 
predisposition or characteristics from progenitors. Soul is pure 
and holy, of God. The spirit evolves brain and body, under 
Divine law, or rather Archangels develop the brain and the body. 

The brain is impressed with that which is necessary to make 
it a good instrument for the Soul Child, to enable him to form 
individual mind, to express the soul gifts of love, wisdom, power, 
etc. When children express, or apparently inherit, similar char- 
acteristics on either planes, it is because the evolving spirit is 
impressed similarly. The little entities of the brain are impressed 
the same when seemingly mental characteristics are inherited. 
The physical body is also similarly made when it inherits similar 
physical characteristics. Acquired characteristics are not trans- 
missable for the same reason. Every characteristic is not in- 
herited but impressed by those of the higher plane. Material 
science will ere long prove this truth. 

“Ella, you will soon be attached, will you not? asked John. 

“No, not for some time. I was quite feverish, on earth, as you 
know, so my dear aunt when she awakens will let me sleep quite 
late, so you will not see me there as you will leave for the office 
before I awaken, so I came to see you here.” 

Ella sat down on the other side of him. Jim looked at her 
admiringly. Beauty is universal in the real life, the sole difference 
being mainly in expression. Her expression was so extremely 
sweet that Jim spoke abruptly, 

“You look very lovely, Ella.” 

“Do I?” she answered laughingly, “I am pleased to hear it 
for it means that I really do not care. If I did, as I do on earth, 
I fear I would look as I do there.” 

“That is so. The more one thinks of self the less lovely does 
one look, even there,” smiled Harold, “If you knew this truth 
there, Ella, you would not be as beautiful as here, that is impos 
sible, but you would reflect more love and consequently look more 
lovely.” 

John laughed outright. There is no vanity in spirit life. It 
is not cognized there and not even remembered, excepting as 
something foreign to one. 

“Yes, I know you do think of yourself there, Ella. I saw you 


60 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


very admiringly place a rose in your hair the other night, to 
captivate William and Roscoe. You have but little use for me 
there.” 

Ella replied feelingly, I never remember anything of 

this life as you do. 1 only know we are cousins there and that 
1 must love you as a cousin.” 

Harold, who had been arranging John’s psychical frame, turned 
and said gravely, 

“Ella, dear child, this is somewhat premature. I would rather 
you would not discuss this matter until you are both detached. 
You have much to undergo there. Many weary earth years will 
elapse before you and John will be united.” Ella flushed. Spirits 
are more sensitive in the real life than on earth. 

“I know, dear Harold, I will try to refrain.” 

Jim interposed saying, with a loving glance at John who had 
also flushed in unison with Ella, 

“John, you will be home much sooner, but the time will soon 
pass, Ella, and the dreary earth years will be counterbalanced 
by the joy and pleasure of this life.” 

“Yes, yes, we are so happy, we know the truth here. Were 
it not for that I fear we would never be able to endure as bravely 
as we do there.” said Ella. 

“But a moment, after all, Ella, in the life eternal.” Harold 
said. “Come, John, bid them away, it is time for you.” 

With a clasp of hands to Jim, a parting smile to Ella, John 
arose and saw them to the door. Soon, in his glorious nude body, 
he stood beside the bed. The frame was drawn to his side and 
Harold gently and deftly placed it within the small apertures, 
or interstices, of his body, the little sparks within the spaces of 
the brain and vital organs of John’s spiritual body, to give them 
the pain and suffering, while John would be unconscious of a good 
deal through this conjunction. Not the soul had to be developed, 
but the little entities in his brain and vital organs, a very im- 
portant part of him required more discipline, while he needed 
to develop with them certain qualities he could not in spirit life. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


61 


CHAPTER VII. 

Mortal Lifi; 

When Dr. Morton entered my chamber, with a distressed agi- 
tated manner, I thought something unusual had transpired but 
remained silent until he placed his arms around me, saying 
huskily. 

‘‘Come, John, draw up a chair, I want to speak seriously with 
you.” 

His scarred face appeared older than ever, his hands trembled, 
I drew up two chairs and patted his hands, while he shut his 
eyes — possibly to gain courage, ere he sat down. After a while 
he opened his eyes and looked at me gloomily, 

“John, your father and I have made a great mistake. We 
have not told you the truth of many things. Now you are going 
into the world and will have to know that which we have kept 
from you for fear of defiling you. There is evil. There are 
very bad men and women who hate, murder, steal, debauch the 
pure, betray the innocent. All more or less tainted with the ani- 
mal passion, of which you, so carefully have you been protected, 
know nothing. Out in the world you will learn, will see yourself 
the victim of the animal lust and may yourself, unless warned 
and made to understand, fall a victim. I must now try to undo, 
you to unlearn, in a moment, all that it has taken us years to 
teach you to acquire. Oh, my boy, it is a hard task.” 

He was so overwrought, in a condition such as I had seldom 
witnessed in anyone that I said consolingly, 

“Do not mind, dear Doctor, I will learn readily. I know there 
are many things I do not know: what evil, wrong is, I cannot 
understand until I see someone do it. All of you do right. You 
never lie, steal, debauch the pure — whatever it is, so please tell 
me what it is. 

He choked and choked for a few moments ere he told me the 
most incomprehensible things, of such a disgusting character that 
I several times interrupted him, I fear, in a manner as distraught 


62 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


as his own. I could understand nothing he said. It all seemed 
so revolting, so unclean, I deemed them idle vagaries. When he 
touched upon the untruths which I could understand, told me 
by my parents and all my dear ones, Ella included, I burst forth 
vehemently, 

“At last I know what falsity is. Oh, God, all are false, not one 
true. Oh, where can I find truth? 

The Doctor subsided, almost in a heap, in his chair, while I, 
horrified beyond measure, filled with feelings I had never experi- 
enced, fear, sorrow, disillusionment, sat stupidly gazing into 
vacancy, until the memory of the real life returned and I recalled 
all I knew that was true. Sorrowfully, yet gladly, I realized that 
my dear ones were not responsible in the real life, that there, 
like myself, they could not understand evil, that in truth the 
mortal was but a very vivid dream, absolutely necessary for all 
who had to undergo it. I thought how different, how pure, how 
beautiful, how loving all were there, and again and again I 
thanked God that all the Doctor had told me were but suggested 
impressions, necessary only for a transitory period, in fact just 
a few hours throughout the day when awake. 

At last I remarked to the Doctor’s relief, his face, ever a true 
mirror of his feelings, relaxed its tension and his sombre eyes 
brightened visibly, 

“Doctor, I know the truth. All you have told me are illu- 
sions. They have no existence. I shall look upon them as 
hallucinations and govern my life accordingly. Nothing can 
shake my faith in God.” 

Much more I said which ’twere vain to repeat. At last he 
left me alone, not to cogitate upon the horrible illusions but 
upon the truth. I laughed as I remembered Jim’s words about 
poor mortal’s dearth of ideas, but I sighed when I thought of the 
heartrending discipline necessary to unfold us. 

I sought my father in his study and consoled him and the 
doctor. I made them feel that I was impervious to evil, that no 
mortal delusions could ever gain power over me. I said firmly 
I wanted to hear no more about evil, that I would close my 
eyes to it and it would not exist for me. 

Ella found me on the veranda. She looked so mournful that 
I said reassuringly: 

“Have no fear, Ella, I am safe against your delusions.” 

More mournfully she said, “Oh, John, do listen to the Doctor 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


63 


and your father. These things are real, tangible, as real for this 
plane as all the joys you speak of are for the other. I know 
only this life and I fear for you.” 

Her face, ah, so dear, even upon earth, to me, looked so ap- 
pealing, so clouded, I seized her hand and, boy though I was, 
with a passion unknown until that moment, raised it to my lips. 
She drew back startled, while I, overwhelmed by feelings I could 
not fathom, flew from her presence like a thing of evil. 

I ran until I came to an old tree, a favorite of mine, some 
distance from the house, where no one could see me, and threw 
myself on the grass. I forgot everything in the novel emotions, 
so strange and enticing that I could not conquer them for some 
time. At last, with the clear vision given God’s awakened child, 
I realized that this was what the Doctor called animal passion, 
feelings necessary, on this plane, for procreation, for bringing 
forth life, or life could not be brought forth with such intensely 
selfish beings as we, that all life, in truth, is brought forth in 
the real life, in a different manner as I shall portray later; that 
this passion, seemingly inherited from the animal, believed by 
so many, who could not believe it came from God, in a special 
creation, was not real, but suggested, that we were magnetized 
into feelings, not by any means true, or of our real selves, to 
attract us to the opposite sex, to bring forth the natural child, 
and that, while under natural law it was not necessary for all 
life forms, it was for humanity. Hence, animal passion, in 
reality, magnetism produced by those in charge of the various 
children, on earth, was essential. 

The spirit child, attached to the physical body, unconscious 
of the real life, conscious only in the part of the real brain con- 
nected with the material brain, is, while in a comatose state in 
the real life, magnetized into these peculiar feelings, as a hypnotist 
on earth hypnotizes into various phases or states of conscious- 
ness, known to be suggested, but as real in truth as the ones 
induced, under law, by the angels in charge. I had heard and 
been taught about the perpetual conflict between that presumed 
to be the material and the spiritual, by my tutors, and knew 
that these feelings were produced for all who were more or less fa- 
miliar with the truth to conquer; that only for the purpose of bring- 
ing forth God’s children were they to be encouraged and that every 
child of God has the power to govern his own life and conduct, 
independent of his tutors in charge of his mortal body, when 


64 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


he realizes the truth of his own accord, free will, and selects the 
spiritual or the right. 

As I was born with a good brain, one who knew the truth and 
could express it, I realized that I, myself, had the power to check 
these alluring feelings; that they were not for me to encourage, 
that love is of a very different nature, that I, a boy of eighteen, 
did not desire to bring forth children, that Ella was not attracted 
in that manner at all to me, that while I knew in the real life 
she was my soul mate, destined to be mine in time, she was not 
to be mine on earth and that animal passion and magnetism 
attracted her, not to William, who loved her devotedly, but to 
my brother Roscoe. 

It took all my moral courage, all my faith in God, to check the 
rebellious, felt for the first time, feelings which overwhelmed 
me at these thoughts. My love to be given to another on earth, 
I to stand by and to see the sacrifice of my deathless love, to 
endure years of torture. I, who had never known sorrow, now 
felt it so keenly that it seemed as if millions of daggers were 
being thrust into my vitals. I ground my teeth with agony and 
clutched my hands with despair, while great sobs shook me. 

“Now, now, I know,” I cried, “Oh, how terrible these feelings 
are. Oh, thank God, they are but illusions and can only last 
while I am here, the few short years I live.” Then I sternly 
willed myself to banish all thoughts of Ella, to center them 
upon the loving Father and the truths of the glorious, spirit life. 
“Oh, how I dread to go through this day, how I wish night were 
here. I’ll get to sleep as soon as I can,” I concluded as I arose, 
calmed and strengthened, to make my way to Colonel Matthew’s 
office. I presume my face bore marks of the struggle through 
which I had passed, for he said as I entered, 

“Are you ill, John, you do not look like yourself?” 

Tom and William were at their desks. Both looked up anx- 
iously, they loved me devotedly. The Colonel continued, looking 
perplexedly at me, 

“Why did you come when you do not feel well?” 

I loved the Colonel very dearly. He was like a second father 
to me and had ever been one of my staunchest friends. The 
bitter thought assailed me, despite my efforts to conquer it: “You, 
too, are in league against me.” A feeling of repulsion, a new 
feeling — I was being tested — swept through me resistlessly for 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


65 


a moment. I realized the truth, willed it to stop and, as usual, 
shook his outstretched hand cordially: 

‘‘Nothing to speak of. Colonel. No, Tom, William, I am all 
right. Don’t worry. What have you for me to do?” 

I took my overcoat off, it was a chilly morning, and seated my- 
self, at a desk, between the boys. I saw a ponderous, legal 
volume outspread before me. Soon I was essaying to read and 
comprehend as best I could. Although all these feelings were 
new to me, feelings I had never known on either plane, I was not 
unfamiliar with that which caused them, as all my family pre- 
sumed, for I had been educated in the real life, and studied all 
the delusions of the mortal life, and discussed them even with 
those of my own and younger age. 

The animal passions and propensities we had not, in their 
true significance, realized or been told. All the unchaste features 
had been ignored. But as I began myself to experience these 
feelings, I realized how very difficult it was for those not familiar 
with the truth to overcome them. Their potency I acknowledged 
freely, their necessity I knew. Nevertheless, I was filled, not 
only with disgust at their impurity, but wonder at pure, chaste 
beings, like our angels, seemingly putting them into effect and 
operation, for at that time I did not know what I learned later: 
that the mortal plane and life has, like God, ever been in exist- 
ence; that while mortal worlds, conjoined to the spiritual, are in 
all processes of formation, all destined to be returned to their 
primal elements — a form of true spiritual substance; that the 
material universe has ever existed; that while God, under Divine 
law, brings forth, through his instruments, spirit and material 
worlds, the mortal plane of consciousness is absolutely essential, 
that He, as Supreme Being, and His Angels — His Divine ideas 
or children, are not responsible for, nor the source of these un- 
developed conditions. 

While He is Omnipotent and all consciousness comes from Him, 
that the lowest form of spirit substance — matter, and the lowest 
phase of spirit consciousness — the mortal, is produced under His 
Divine laws, the truth is that all life is conscious, not with the 
consciousness of God nor his Angels, but the consciousness de- 
veloping, under law, to attain His consciousness, but not to be- 
come the source of life and consciousness. 

Thus, you will see that there is a very great difference between 
the various stages of consciousness. I knew that there were only 


66 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


two real planes of consciousness, the spiritual and the material, 
that all life forms are conscious, in the spirit, when not attached 
to the mortal, or conscious of the mortal, that various phases of 
mortal consciousness, seemingly real, are produced which are in 
all respects illusory, the difference between them and the two 
real planes being that all that the spirit is conscious of, on the 
spirit side, is real, in the sense that he is in a real body and in 
a real world. 

When on the mortal plane he is attached to a vital body, in 
the spirit, and conscious through it, and the material within, the 
mortal body and world also real, the states produced on the mortal 
plane, and that deemed the astral, more or less unreal, as there is 
neither an astral body nor an astral world. The vital, or that 
which composes it, is disconnected and disassociated at detachment 
on death, when the spirit leaves the mortal body forever. 

Full of a nauseating disgust, I vainly tried to grasp the mean- 
ing of the voluminous pages staring me in the face. I was re- 
lieved when the Colonel was called out by a clerk and Tom said, 

“John, I think you had better go home.’^ 

“Yes, John, I think so too, you look pale and exhausted.” 
William interposed. 

“I do not feel very well, I think I will go home,” I replied, 
“a walk will do me good, I need fresh air.” 

Tom accompanied me to the street, dear, lovable Tom. He 
looked me earnestly in the face and said, 

“I think I’ll go with you.” 

“No, old fellow,” I replied, “I am all right and feel better 
already. Au revoir.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


67 


CHAPTER VIII. 

Spirit Lipd 

When I awakened on spirit side that night, after the terrible 
ordeal I had experienced through my first struggle with the temp- 
tations of mortal life, I lay quite a while, in a very peaceful 
condition, before Clarice came in. She knew all I had endured, 
having been with Harold when I was magnetized into the state 
of consciousness which had caused all the peculiar feelings, cog- 
nized as passion, fear, repulsion, etc., that had so afflicted me. 

I remembered all distinctly and trembled, not with repulsion 
nor fear, but relief, when I, on my own true plane, realized the 
fallacy and utter unreality of all. Like one who awakens from 
a hypnotized condition on earth, after being told of all the follies 
and excesses committed while entirely unconscious, I viewed all 
my late acts and feelings as distinctly apart from and not at all 
connected with me, my real self I knew was pure and chaste, I 
knew not, could not grasp the rapidly receding thoughts and 
feelings due to magnetism, which had so lately overwhelmed me 
with despair. 

I thought of Ella, not with animal passion, not with a mad 
yearning to possess her body, but with a love so profound, so in- 
finitely sweet and soul stirring, so utterly content and peaceful, 
free from doubts and fears, that I murmured, “I thank Thee, 
dear Father, that the mortal life is in truth but a dream, no 
matter how real it seems to us there.” 

Clarice entered, radiant and loving as ever, 

“Dear boy, your schooling was very difficult today, very hard 
to bear. Ah, we cannot endure to make you suffer, even in 
dreams, but it must be, dear, or it would not be.” 

“I know, dear Clarice. Such strange feelings. They are 
produced for a good purpose, I presume I am not advanced 
enough to comprehend. I thank God they are not real.” 

“Were they true, John, they would be eternal verities and never 
wiped out of consciousness. Evil is only suggested for purpose 


68 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


of discipline. While it is in perpetual existence in the sense that 
it is ever suggested, while there are spirits on earth who require 
this sort of training, it ceases to exist, is wiped out of conscious- 
ness even on that plane when a spirit overcomes and becomes in 
harmony with his spiritual brain and mind, as it was with you 
when you realized the truth and banished all unworthy feelings, 
and when a spirit is detached by sleep, trance or death.” 

‘‘Oh, dear Clarice, I am so glad I do not understand here, that, 
while I do not forget, I can banish and not dwell upon the un- 
pleasant experiences.” 

After Clarice and I finished the duties necessary ere I was 
prepared for my studies, I sought Harold, as our class room was 
occupied, in his chambers, in an extension, on spirit side, of our 
house. This extension was occupied by the Celestial tutors when 
free from attendance upon their charges. As only one is in 
attendance, one really is employed but half the time, the other 
half devoted to congenial pursuits. As our school contained no 
less than seventy people and as everyone had two angel tutors, 
it can be seen that this wing was necessarily larger than the 
Academy, and, being the abode of Celestial Angels, fitted and 
furnished to accord with their superior tastes and inclinations. 
As free will, individual taste, is the heritage of all God’s children, 
no child is restricted in any manner but given power to exercise 
individual taste and aspirations in everything; therefore, upon 
attaining to years of discretion or independence, about the four- 
teenth year, he is encouraged to exercise individualism in all 
ways. 

The complete freedom of the individual, although ever under 
Divine and spiritual law, is the heritage of all. This heritage, 
so imperfectly manifested on earth yet so ardently craved, is 
that which causes, more than the impressions received from the 
angels, revolutions and wars in the interests of liberty, fraternity 
and equality. This freedom is a birthright, a gift from God. All 
enjoy it, hence, all realizing, even imperfectly, this truth, clamor 
for it on mortal plane and those who interfere with it, under 
whatever claim or guise, whether in the interests of autocracy, or 
democracy — its spurious child at present, meet with retribution. 

“Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” saith the Law. 

Upon attaining to my fourteenth year, I was permitted to follow 
individual judgment, inclination and taste. But, while thus per- 
mitted, ever and always I received, from my inner consciousness. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


69 


correct impressions from those on higher planes as well as loving 
tutelage from my beloved Guardians. Our home was furnished 
and decorated as we desired, our especial chambers expressed our 
individual likes and taste. As our ideals and our knowledge of 
beauty and the arts were inferior to those of the angels, naturally 
our expressions of beauty and the arts were not so developed. 
While those that we selected from the works and expressions of 
others were on a similar plane, they could not compare with the 
greater beauty of the more highly developv;d expressions and 
selections of our teachers. 

I was familiar with the beauty and chaste simplicity of their 
apartments, yet I regularly felt the ever-appealing charm of 
Harold’s. I entered a small court with a fountain in the center. 
There were many courts and fountains in our home and the homes 
of detached spirits in our neighborhood, but none to equal 
in beauty those of our angels. This court, open to the sky, was 
encircled by pillars — as many of our courts were, but there all 
similarity ceased. The pillars were wondrously wrought by 
sculptors of angelic development, some by our tutors themselves, 
every flower, vine and fern so naturally tinted and painted as 
to appear as lifelike as the immortal flowers they represented. 
The floor of the court was of a lustrous substance, as soft and 
yielding as moss yet as firm as adamant, with flowers to har- 
monize with the pillars. 

The fountain was a large oval basin made of pearl, encircled 
by flowers, a large lily in the center. The basin was upon a 
pedestal, of pale blue and golden jewels to harmonize with the 
color-scheme of the court, and entwined with fragile ferns and 
vines. From the chalice of the lily, and the beautiful flowers 
encircling it, issued streams of fragrant water, constantly chang- 
ing the tints and hues of the flowers, presenting novel and ex- 
quisite features, momentarily, in form and color. Every pillar 
was crowned with a jardiniere of flowers and vines, upon which 
rested a bird of glorious gold and blue plumage. 

From the court, I entered a trellised arbor, a mass of blue and 
golden fragrance, thence into an ante-room where I saw an 
automaton, one of the low-scale beings who perform the menial 
work of spirit life. These beings, (presumed by some psychics 
on earth to be undeveloped spirits, thus giving ground for the 
belief that spirits are in retrogressive forms ere brought forth) 
have the intelligence of the animal, just enough to make them do 


70 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


that which is required of them, with also the capacity to enjoy 
many things. They never advance, ever remain automata, skilled 
servitors. They have not soul and are not evolving spirits, as 
animals are, and are not impressed with love or any soul gift, 
merely impressed with capacity for service and simple pleasures. 

I nodded to the automaton and entered the study. Harold 
expected me. His study, open to all excepting when he taught 
me, was empty. I glanced in the room beyond, his private sitting 
room, and saw him standing before an open window, evidently 
deep in thought. With something akin to a sigh, he turned and 
hastened to me, clasping me tenderly, 

“Dear John, I am indeed pleased to see you, my boy. You 
cannot imagine how I disliked to have you undergo that severe 
ordeal today. Of course you know we act under law, it could not 
be otherwise, it is necessary for you.” 

“Harold, do not think about it, let us banish it. I know you 
would spare me all suffering if possible, but as it is not possible 
I will conquer all right,” I said earnestly, then, to chage the sub- 
ject I continued, “Why will not Tom be detached tonight, 
Harold?” 

“Tom is going to a ball on earth and will be up all night.” 

“He said nothing to me about it.” 

“No, because he is going to heed the temptation he will not 
conquer and will have to suffer in another way.” 

“Could he conquer if he so desired?” 

“No, John, he could not. He has not a good brain and mind.” 

“Will he ever form a good mind, one able to conquer there?” 

“No, Tom belongs to the weakling class who will never be 
made strong, very lovable but weak and unstable as water. His 
schooling demands especial experiences.” 

I sighed as I said gravely, “No one, not even the Father, can 
change that which is to be, Harold, is this true? They call it 
predestination there.” 

“Do not think, John, that everything that happens on the 
mortal plane is ordained and that a child does not express free 
will and individual effort. All, excepting a small class, express 
free will and are, within the bounds of law, free agents, but, 
because we, with the prescience of God’s highest, know that which 
is to be, does not mean to imply that that which is to be is or- 
dained. All transpires under immutable law in spirit spheres, 
all subject to these laws. On mortal plane laws are variable. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


71 


subject to spirit laws, but many are but rules which are some- 
times changed.” 

“Then sometimes prayers that do not interfere with the 
necessary discipline are answered?” 

“Yes. Come, John, what would you like to do now: go to a 
lecture in the city, or study here until dinner.” 

“A lecture, Harold, I enjoy them very much.” 

Arm in arm we passed out into the grounds. Harold had a 
magnificent open vehicle to which were attached two superb 
horses. The vehicle, like unto a chariot, was of a lustrous silver, 
upholstered in azure satin, the horses — grey and satiny to har- 
monize, had no harness but grey, silken cords. All animals, in 
the real life, express love. They know not fatigue, hence are 
ever tireless and swift beyond expression. Harold and I caressed 
them. They answered with soft murmurs, overjoyed to have us 
with them, impressed with the truth that a Celestial Angel was to 
be their companion. 

With a toss of their beautiful manes, a flick of the long grace- 
ful tails, they raised their heads and, with a speed 
unparalleled on earth, whirled over the soft turf wheresoever 
Harold impressed them to go. As thus we flew in the midst of 
beautiful grounds upon no especial road, we had an opportunity 
to see much more of the country than we otherwise could. The 
^pirit life is a perfectly natural life, as natural as on earth. 
Contentedly lolling in the luxurious seats, our two steeds held 
by a slender thread to the equipage, we rolled on, enjoying with 
pleasure ever-renewed (a part of our heritage, pleasure never 
palls) all upon which our eyes rested. 

The sky was like unto twilight, luminous with golden and 
sapphire gleams, through a white, feathery haze. The stars, 
with their golden suns, were clearly visible. Within a second 
it was transformed into scenes of bewildering beauty. Landscape 
upon landscape of pristine loveliness, beauteous mirages, sky- 
scapes beyond compare shot athwart the heavens, veritable 
moving pictures, a swiftly unfolding panorama of indescribable 
glory and radiance enthralled us so that we could not gaze upon 
the beauty of the grounds and country. 

I was speechless for some time with delight. At last I broke 
the silence, 

“How glorious. Oh, how grand, to be a child of God and not 
a poor mortal.” 


72 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Ah, little boy, this is nothing in comparison with the beauty 
and glory yet to be thine.” 

The horses, gazing on the heavens, correctly impressed where 
to go, heeded naught, but swift and tireless, scarcely touching 
ground with their silken hoofs, sped on. At last I removed my 
gaze from the sky and looked upon a scene almost as beautiful. 
We had emerged from our grounds, passed all castles and palaces 
in the suburbs surrounding Lexington, and were whirling through 
a country so alluringly beautiful, with natural parks agleam with 
flowers of immortal beauty, sylvan nooks and dells, softly singing 
streams, fern and tree-lined, with naught to dispel the solitude 
but a swift-flying eagle or light-footed gazelle, that, although we 
saw many attached animals in a comatose condition here and 
there, I would not let myself think of the mortal life. 

This was the open country between Lexington and the great 
wilderness, the home of the red man on earth. I knew of the 
terrible deeds they committed but I would not spoil my pleasure 
with that which had to be and which, th^e, I could not grasp. 
Ah, how blessed that we cannot grasp, that we know the truth, 
or even in this beautiful world we would be wretched. Knowing 
that in truth the poor spirits I saw with their guides were but 
dreaming these unpleasant experiences on the mortal plane, I 
willed myself to see but the beauty, to forget the illusions. 

We left the open country and through a vast forest, a primeval 
wilderness, the horses flew. Every tree, shrub and plant, made 
way for God’s children. Lofty trees drew aside their wide out- 
spreading branches, quivering with pleasure. Every animal, 
reptile and bird, impressed with the consciousness that, in spirit, 
life ever recognizes the presence of God’s children, greeted us as 
we passed. This consciousness is not that felt like the conscious- 
ness of a soul child, but the consciousness of all the life organisms, 
lovingly impressed by the spirit in charge of them. There is 
not a life organism in mineral, plant, animal and human forms, 
in spirit spheres, that is not under law impressed by a spirit or 
magnetized into doing that which is essential, until the evolving 
spirit attains to self consciousness and is ready to assume 
command of all organisms in his spirit body. 

Thus he is, under law, governed and directed from without 
as well as from within. The “indwelling spirit” receives im- 
pressions and instructions from without as well as within. The 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


73 


mortal bodies for the mortal plane, are not only under the 
spirit’s control when attached, but under the control of his 
guardian angels, whether attached or detached, until all organ- 
isms forming it are disconnected and disassociated by death. 

Through the vast forest we flew, I observing as best as I 
could and that but little due to the great speed. The spirit 
life was, at this time of my life, a source of perpetual delight. 
Every novel feature had to be observed carefully and explained 
ere 1 could be satisfied. Suddenly I pulled Harold’s arm, 

“Oh, Oh, Harold, stop, stop, a moment.” 

The horses immediately stopped. I saw a mammoth snake, as 
large almost as a huge elephant in circumference. It was lying 
under a tree, seemingly asleep. 

“Harold, I never saw one like him before. They do not have 
that kind on earth and I have seen no life form here like him.” 
I jumped up and, after carefully surveying it, I returned to 
Harold who said, 

“That is one of many very large species of extinct animals on 
earth. They are waiting here to be reincarnated in higher, 
smaller forms.” 

“Why were they made so large? Why did the earth have to 
have such monsters?” ^ 

“The purpose of the mortal plane is to develop, conjointly 
with the spirit, all organisms that are to become the permanent 
denizens of the bodies of the spirit children, as well as to develop 
the evolving spirit. All must be developed on the mortal plane, 
therefore as many as possible on certain lines of development 
are placed in huge forms. Not only do we develop these to be 
put in charge of vital organs but the countless on lower planes, 
simultaneously, as are in time to be also in charge of the vital 
organs. When these classes arrive at a certain stage there is 
no necessity for the large forms until we begin again to evolve 
from the primordial cell. Hence they become extinct on earth, 
but their spirit forms do not become extinct until we are ready 
to use their life organisms in higher and smaller forms, thence on 
until ready to be formed in a human form, the highest, the only 
form with which a spirit child can be connected. There are no 
mortal life organisms, all organisms are spiritual.” 

“Then the mortal body is composed of life organisms, ready 
to be formed in a real spirit body after death to it on earth?” 

“Yes, but not the spirit of the body. The spirit offspring 


74 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


from the spirit seemingly, a part of that cognized as the original 
monad or spirit, a developed organism having undergone, as part 
of the original monad, similar development, is put in charge of 
the brain and vital organs, which are composed of the mortal 
ones, the human the highest plane of mortal ones.” 

“Then in truth one does not inherit anything from progenitors 
nor ancestors on either plane?” 

“No, when offspring seemingly inherit similar physical and 
mental characteristics, it is not due to heredity but to the truth 
that children in the real life are brought forth similarly and sub- 
jected to the education and training decided upon prior to birth. 
Their brains, composed of life organisms, developed on the 
mortal plane to be amenable to control. The child, upon attain- 
ing self consciousness, is impressed by those who guide and 
direct him until able to control himself more or less correctly, 
about the fifteenth year according to earth time. The similar 
characteristics are not due to that part of the original monad 
inherited from his parents but due to the fact that he is impressed 
similarly, and as he, on spirit plane, develops himself his brain, 
and forms mind, he expresses his characteristics more or less im- 
perfectly through the material brain. The physical character- 
istics and animal nature are due to those who form the physical 
bodies, not to the spirit child or heredity.” 

“Then those born criminals, who seemingly inherit from 
generation to generation, are not victims of heredity, as presumed, 
nor the born insane and diseased, as is thought to be the case 
on earth?” 

“The born criminal, some insane and moral perverts, are 
destined never to be reformed or regenerated, many of the born 
diseased never to be healed. In reality there is not a life 
organism, forming brains and bodies, that can ever be anything 
but good and healthful. All life is good and healthful. They 
are not born so, but apparently so. The criminal class are 
governed by those in charge of their physical bodies, under law, 
the law of suggestion, ever in operation. This law is not caused 
by God to punish nor to cause His children suffering, but for the 
purpose of giving them, in the only way possible, that which is 
necessary while on earth, on the mortal plane.” 

“That explains the difference in children of the same family. 
Often there are born saints and sinners, presumed to inherit 
the traits and predispositions of various ancestors as well as 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


75 


their parents, one inheriting virtues, the other vices, one diseased 
and sickly, another well and vigorous. Why are the poor crimi- 
nals, who are really irresponsible, punished there?” asked John. 

“No criminal, no child of God receives any more suffering than 
is actually necessary. Criminals, moral perverts and the insane, 
do not suffer as much as is supposed. Their sensibilities are so 
torpid, their brains so drugged by poisons, seemingly manu- 
factured in their bodies, in truth so magnetized that they are more 
or less impervious to all mental, and feel but little physical pain. 
They are but a small class in comparison with the great majority 
who are born amenable to control.” replied Harold. “All who 
are not of this class have brains which they can develop, and 
thus many who commit crime, degenerates, weaklings, etc. can 
be strengthened and made to overcome these, seemingly, inherited 
predispositions.” 

“Every child upon attaining to about the fifteenth year on 
earth, who does not belong to the small class of irresponsibles, 
if given the right environment, etc. can develop and create new 
brain areas and form good sound minds, brains amenable to 
control of the spirit spheres, and minds able to grasp and express 
righteousness, power and strength, in various ways. The born 
righteous are those among every race and class who have brains 
amenable to control, in harmony with the spirit brain, hence 
express these qualities more correctly.” 

“Why are they born differently?” 

“Their discipline or the discipline of a part of their spirit 
brain, requires discipline and suffering, the kind of suffering under 
law not caused by their own sins, but through disease — ^lack of 
harmony of their brains and bodies, and the sins of others. Many 
teachers on earth are prepared in this way. They themselves 
must conquer and subdue all material limitations, therefore 
conditions are regulated to give them all that is needful. They 
are put to every test. Even sin is oft presented in so alluring a 
manner, under so innocent a guise, that, before they know, they 
fall but to come forth stronger than ever. The mortal plane 
is not for the puspose of developing mentally or spiritually; and 
only morally in the sense of certain qualities regarded as moral, 
such as patience and loyalty. To develop the real brain, to 
make it amenable to control, through this development, the 
spirit in control develops qualities impossible to be developed in 
spirit life, qualities which have nothing to do with moral, 


76 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


development although imperative for spiritual advancement. 
Therefore, not solely is the spirit on earth subjected to that 
essential for his brain, but conditions are made, a perpetual 
conflict, seemingly, between the spiritual and the material, to 
make him develop these qualities.” 

“Then as he is really a spirit child of God, endowed with free 
will, in the real life he advances mentally, morally and spiritually 
when he, through individual effort, strengthen his will, conquers 
limitations, attunes his brain to be in harmony with the spirit 
to express more correctly love, wisdom, power, righteousness, etc. 
whether he is rewarded on mortal plane with material prosperity 
or not? Many think on earth that “seeking the kingdom of 
righteousness” will bring material prosperity.” replied John. 

“Only in the sense when no more suffering is necessary to 
advance brain or develop qualities. The apostles were persecuted, 
“anhungered, naked and shorn” not because they had not the 
kingdom of righteousness but because they needed more suffering. 
Few are so unfolded on earth as not to need both physical and 
mental suffering. The Lord Jesus Christ, the physical manifesta- 
tion of our Father, suffered the greatest physical and mental 
agony, to show His children that He took upon Himself, volun- 
tarily, the greatest possible suffering, teaching them by example 
all the spiritual qualities necessary for all, then and for all time.” 
answered Harold. 

“Then those now in charge of my mortal body, in my vital 
body, will next live in a real spirit body forever?” 

“Just so, my dear boy.” 

I understood this fully there but could not when I returned 
to earth. Nobody that I knew at that time could have under- 
stood, so it was withheld until, as now, there are those who can, 
who not only long for the truth but are prepared to understand. 
Not because they are superior to their progenitors on earth, or 
because their spirit brains are on a higher plane, but because, 
as universal progression is a divine law in spirit spheres, under 
this perfect changeless law they advance after attaining self 
consciousness, and, as, under this law, all are more advanced now, 
more than when spirits first emerged from the animal, they 
impress more perfectly their mortal vehicles which, under this 
law, have also become better instruments. 

“The life organisms of the brain are not developed to think or 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


77 


reason but to be a good machine, to receive and transmit correctly, 
obedient to the thinker or spirit.” 

“Then all, like Tom, and those who can neither think nor reason 
on earth, who are born criminal, moral perverts, etc. are so 
because they have not brains that they can use properly?” 

“Yes, as they cannot receive correctly from the material brain, 
they form very poor minds, and as they are magnetized into in- 
sensibility regarding spirit life, and impressed with only that which 
is necessary, they rarely develop or advance on earth.” 

“Then in truth the physical bodies are only highly developed 
in being more amenable to spirit control and not to superior minds 
or intellects, as presumed by many?” 

“Exactly. He who has a brain that he can use properly, one 
that receives correctly from the mortal life and is in harmony 
with the spirit brain, merely has an efficient machine which re- 
ceives and transmits from the two planes, and records upon both 
that which is necessary. Hence, one with a good instrument can 
express more correctly the wisdom and knowledge he has in the 
real life through that cognized as inspiration, intuition, etc., 
and the knowledge of the mortal life which he receives from 
impressions transmitted through sense organs and brains. Thus, 
many are very good instruments for spiritual wisdom and the 
soul gifts, who, owing to poor environment, education, association, 
etc. are very ignorant and unlearned in material knowledge.” 

“And many with poor environment, etc. master these conditions 
and develop into advanced thinkers on earth, due to, I presume, 
having brains formed able to develop in the first place?” 

“Those subjected to adverse material conditions who advance 
and seemingly master them, are born with brains, not intellectually 
superior, brain is but an instrument, but more amenable to control, 
as I said before, and they are merely impressed to do that which 
will help them advance and thus seemingly themselves master 
conditions.” 

Thus conversing we were unconscious of the beautiful scenery 
until we arrived in the suburbs of a marvellous city, embracing 
mountains, hills, meadows and dales; so vast it appeared to us, 
as we rested on the summit of a high peak and viewed it, I was 
overwhelmed with awe. This was my first visit to a detached 
city, one occupied solely by the detached and seldom visited by 
the attached or earth-bound spirit. I had seen paintings by 
the most celebrated artists and moving pictures of real cities 


78 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


portrayed in the sky by the most advanced angels, but I had 
never seen so diversified an area as I now gazed upon with wonder 
and speechless joy. It was all, not a dazzling but a soft white, 
great administrative buildings in magnificent parks towered high 
above others. All buildings were of prodigious size, some stood 
out — huge sculptured masses of perfect art, free from verdure 
and decoration, sublimely beautiful; others etherial, seemingly 
as fragile as filigree, were covered with ferns, vines and flowers 
of various tints. 

Upon several mighty peaks were palaces linked together, 
spanning the city overhead by wonderful bridges, splendid 
boulevards upon which were trains, equipages and vehicles of 
all kinds. Falls of indescribable beauty whirled from each peak, 
falling thousands of feet, to form at the base lakes of great beauty 
filled with pleasure craft. Terraced gardens and orchards, inter- 
spersed with parks, covered some mountainsides. A river emerged 
from each lake, and in graceful winding curves coursed through 
the city, presenting upon the polished surfaces, in mirage effects, 
wonderful views of reflected beauty. 

‘‘What a wonderful, wonderful city,” I cried, “I cannot believe 
the Celestial cities are more beautiful.” 

“Dear John,” Harold laughed, “the detached cannot compare 
with the Celestial. As these are superior to the attached so are 
the Celestial to them.” 

“Beautiful enough for me.” 

“Yea, and for many who are content to remain as they are, 
but there are many more who long for greater wisdom, greater 
service. To these come greater beauty, capacity to enjoy and 
wisdom to comprehend.” 

I had never seen before such a concourse of flying, or floating 
spirits and animals, as I now saw flying on aerial roads, in count- 
less numbers. Although it was early evening and the beautiful 
glow after the gorgeous tints of the sunset and skyscapes had 
disappeared, the sky was still brilliant with the lights of millions 
of worlds, giving a light almost as great as day, exceedingly soft 
and clear. I could see plainly the magnificent physiques and 
grandly beautiful faces of the angels on an aerial road near us, 
and the various types of female loveliness representing every 
style and form of beauty. 

“Harold, I am so thankful we are all human in appearance and 
that there is not a higher form in existence.” I said. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


79 


“The most beautiful form, the highest expression of develop- 
ment, is the perfect human form. To you, all these forms appear 
perfect but many have to undergo, as they advance, slight modi- 
fications, not perceptible to certain stages of development, not 
changes of the actual shape, form or feature, but changes in the 
inner structure, enabling one at will to change the color of the 
eye, the shade of the hair, but never, as presumed on earth, to 
change a child of God — His highest expression, into anything 
inferior. That is impossible. Never retrogression in the real 
life, hence never can a child of God abide in any but his own 
form, the form evolved for him.” 

“Although he can impress and be attached to, if he desires, 
mortal vehicles, for the purpose of instructing others, when he 
does, it is not known on the mortal plane, although surmised by 
some; but never is he born with a mortal form, brought forth a 
babe, never does he limit himself to such inferior expressions. 
You know, John, the class that is presumed on earth to be great 
masters. John, I have a novel experience for you. You have 
floated often but have not yet driven horses on an aerial road — 
we will take that road.” 

Although the chariot was attached to the horses by slender 
silken cords of great strength and held the horses securely, it 
was not the strength nor the power of the horses that gave them 
the strength and power to leap into the air, upheld by Divine law, 
and fly with no perceptible effort. No form of life in the spirit 
world knows fear. Absence of fear, the perfect faith taught by 
the Lord Jesus, which even on earth would remove mountains, is 
the birthright of all. Flying or floating is as natural to all spirit 
forms of life, as walking on earth to the human or swimming to 
the fish. I watched with delight the graceful sinuous motions 
of our flying quadrupeds and the various flying quadrupeds and 
vehicles of others. We were on a road devoted exclusively to 
driving and riding, adjoining was a road for floating spirits, 
therefore there was no confusion. 

Everywhere in spirit spheres order is maintained. As on earth, 
a disordered atmosphere and surroundings are the expressions of 
chaotic, disordered minds, so in spirit spheres there is nothing 
but order expressed by the well-ordered, balanced spirit mind. 
We flew through the air even more swiftly and smoothly than on 
the mossy turf. Flying through the air, one of humanity’s 
dreams, is a reality. All “castles in the air” all dreams and 


80 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


visions, are but imperfect impressions and cognitions of the real 
and true world enveloping all. As humanity advances, as brains 
become better instruments, the truths of the spirit life are ex- 
pressed in greater expressions of science and knowledge of various 
kinds, hence the material world today expresses more perfectly 
the real and true than at any previous stage of development. 

Although there has ever been, during certain stages, a few or 
a group of mortals who have expressed, on certain lines, art or 
science apparently more perfectly, they were not as correct ex- 
pressions as those of today. The average human or mortal mind 
is not an open, receptive mind and will only accept that which 
is presented by those who are deemed by popular opinion to be 
superior. Too uncultivated to realize that the majority of any 
nation or class are unable to judge correctly, they deem it evinces 
superior culture and wisdom to ape those who are put on a 
pedestal by this class; hence, sometimes, one deemed a great artist, 
scientist, philosopher, preacher, is only great in the estimation of 
those not able to appreciate the truly great. 

We alighted on an aerial depot located on one of the boulevard 
bridges, and were whirled on to a connecting one leading to the 
center of the city. As we neared the great university, encircled 
by a park of remarkable extent and great beauty, the horses 
moderated their pace to enable us to get a more correct idea of 
its classic and, to me, novel features. It was of spotless white 
and gleamed with innumerable lights. There was a stupendous 
dome in the center and many domes of smaller size on the sides, 
ablaze with light of constantly changing tints. The numerous 
openings or windows were encircled by vines and flowers, every 
flower emitting a beautiful light, enabling one to see clearly the 
transparent, etherial shades of woven living vines and flowers. 
Some of the most beautiful blinds and curtains are woven of real 
transparent flowers and vines, through which one can see 
distinctly. 

This university consisted of only one mammoth building. It 
resembled somewhat in architecture one of the noted Eastern 
mosques and possessed some of the most striking characteristics 
of the Celestial style, the most beautiful in existence. Columns 
of marvelous design and symmetry extended to the roof, support- 
ing great porticos in the front and rear. Every column was 
capped with jardinieres of flowers and foliage, and every portico 
embellished likewise. We ascended an imposing flight of stairs 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


81 


leading to the center of the front portico. With the exception 
of countless flowers and plants there was no attempt at decora- 
tion. The columns were of pearl studied with emeralds, the 
floor of the same substance, the ceiling exquisitely frescoed. 
We passed into a vestibule and from thence into a hall of mag- 
nificent proportions, agleam with chandeliers of wondrous beauty. 

In the center of the hall was an oasis of flowers and foliage, 
surrounded by columns which extended to the great central dome 
composed of jewels, blazing with light. Seats were everywhere 
occupied by majestic men and lovely women. Hereafter I shal 
call spirits men and women, for such they are, much more human, 
less like animals than imperfect mortal reflections. We passed 
to the rear of the hall, into a court which was also in pale green 
and white. In the center was a platform, surrounded by circles 
of seats filled with a great assemblage. Upon the platform stood 
a magnificent man, about to begin his discourse. He was very 
tall, of Herculean proportions yet strikingly graceful. His 
countenance was of great charm and beauty, a leonine head with 
faultlessly chiseled features. His hair was rather long and pushed 
carelessly back from his massive brows. Power, strength, com- 
mingled with Infinite love, shone in his superb blue eyes. A 
smile of rare sweetness dawned as he nodded to Harold. 

“My brother, John,” Harold said, nodding in return, “he is 
here for a visit. I think you will enjoy him very much.” 

This was a pleasant surprise, Harold’s brother, I looked with 
even greater interest. Both Celestial Angels, both journeying 
the same route together. After nodding to Harold, John partially 
closed his eyes and remained silent and motionless ere he began. 
Intuitively I knew he was wafting a voiceless prayer to the Father 
for, even though the Father rarely receives a personal prayer, 
unless very imperative, all His children in moments of exaltation 
ever vibrate in unison with His Divine law of Love, and receive 
from those closer to Him inspiration and illumination. All are 
instruments to express His love and wisdom. The more highly 
advanced, the more perfectly they express. 

Although angels are higher than spirits there are, as with 
spirits, various planes of development. John opened his eyes 
and, turning from side to side, welcomed all with gracious words 
and smiles. It is not for me to give aught of this address. ^ It 
was suited simply to the comprehension of the detached spirit. 
Although there was much I understood, there was much more I 


82 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


could not. Harold, knowing that my brain and mind were not 
yet ready, refrained from attempting to explain. During the 
parts beyond me, I studied the faces of my brothers and sisters. 
I vibrated with joy — my brothers and sisters, all my own. The 
men — divinely grand, each distinctly individual; the women, the 
quintessence of loveliness and purity. All pure and chaste as 
infants, all wise and profound beyond the greatest mortal. 

For one moment my thoughts reverted to the animal illusion 
of the mortal plane, but I could not grasp, cognize it, in this 
state of consciousness, this atmosphere of purity, any more than 
I could the higher truths understood by all but myself, for very 
rarely were the earth-bound spirits permitted at such lectures. 
Ere John ceased Harold arose and I followed him to our waiting 
horses, 

“You must study some tonight, John, hence we leave early.” 
he said as we sank into our seats. 

Within a short while we were seated in his study where I was 
kept until supper, generally taken when most of the family 
were detached by sleep. All the dear attached ones, excepting 
Tom, were at the banqueting table, and a few of the Celestial 
tutors — sometimes one angel attends several of the detached. 
1 wish, with the limited mortal language, I could do justice to 
this table. The love of beauty and its expression is a birthright 
from God. That which is deemed extreme luxury on earth, 
that which so many poor mortals, imperfectly impressed with the 
soul gifts, more correctly impressed with this love, yearn and 
struggle a lifetime for, is unknown in spirit spheres. While 
beauty is expressed everywhere, the enervating, debasing luxury, 
the barbaric, oriental splendor, is not in evidence, all spirits are 
genuine artists, far excelling the undeveloped ones of the mortal 
plane. 

The banqueting hall, where we sometimes supped, was in an 
outdoor court, in the grounds. Magnificent trees formed a canopy 
overhead, beautiful flowers and vines fell in graceful festoons on 
the sides, a very large oval table was decorated solely with 
flowers. In the center was a splendid floral piece gleaming with 
countless lights. The lustrous pearl surface shone through the 
flowers. 

Harold and I were on time to be seated with the rest who 
were standing awaiting us. My mother and Ella looked as love- 
ly as the Celestial Angels. All were attired in white or pale 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


83 


shades of filmy lace, etherial material, or rich and lustrous silks 
and satins. All were dressed to suit their own styles and tastes, 
no set style or fashion, each distinctly individual. The men, 
likewise, in various styles, some in vogue, others never known 
on earth. All were also attired in shades to harmonize with the 
table and flowers. Harmony is everywhere expressed in spirit 
spheres. The love nature expresses itself in harmony in all de- 
partments of life. 

The soft, flute-like voices of the women mingled with the rich, 
melodious tones of the men, ere music from an invisible source 
filled us with delight. Every voice was hushed. All spirits are 
musicians, all finished artists. I was not surprised when, after the 
music ceased, an angel started to sing in a perfect voice of great 
range and power, nor when all joined in with such an outpouring 
of melody as is rarely heard even in the real life. 

After the song automata appeared, one for every person, took 
our orders and noiselessly withdrew. Then all began to speak 
to each other in joyous voices, with sparkling eyes and vivacious 
manner. Would that the mortal plane could comprehend, how 
I would like to portray: but not yet, not yet have you attained 
to that plane, nor will you ever on earth, to the wisdom, the 
knowledge, the intelligence that is yours in the real home. 

The automata, bearing exquisitely appointed, dainty, choice 
viands and edibles of various kinds, appeared and waited on us 
with skill and celerity. Spirits have appetite, all eat with gusto. 
Taste is a spiritual gift. It is the spirit who tastes on mortal 
plane, not the mortal body. Could one on earth see the dispatch 
with which the delicious food and beverages disappeared, wines 
of all kinds divested of intoxicating quality, they would smile and 
no longer speak of ghosts or “etheric counterparts”, would realize 
the truth that they, in their real home, are not very different from 
the mortal, only more highly cultivated in all ways, with the three 
evils of the mortal plane eliminated. All that is good is perpetual, 
all that is evil is evanescent. 

Harold and all the angels appeared to enjoy more than I, which 
is true: all gifts, taste one of them, develop as one advances. 
Spirits do not eat to sustain life, all life is from God, but for 
pleasure alone. I fear this will not please the sanctimonious 
Pharisee, the worshipper of Cherubim and Seraphim, and those 
who think that through fasting, starving the body entrusted to 


84 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


them by God, they can unfold spiritually. Harken ye to truth: 
build up, help sustain your natural body with good wholesome 
fare, know that the life organisms, little spirit entities in your 
brain and body, demand it under natural law, that by keeping 
them harmonious you can express harmony through them, never 
otherwise, as the great Buddha proved, and all others who have 
learned through sin and suffering. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


85 


CHAPTER IX. 

After I awakened on earth and reviewed all I had heard and 
seen in the spirit world, I could only remember certain fragments 
of my conversation with Harold, and, as it was all unintelligible 
to me with the mind I had formed, I could not understand. All 
the rest I remembered. It comforted me greatly and filled me 
with courage and hope. In the spirit I knew the truth, I was 
free from all the mortal sensations of the animal, the ever- 
recurring successive stages of development which I now, for the 
first time, was experiencing. 

As I had been trained and surrounded with love, kept from 
knowledge of all evil, I had not experienced these various stages 
of animal evolution, had not been impressed with them as I now 
was. Had they not been impressions, but a part of the human 
brain, I could have had them changed by education and training, 
according to those on earth who judge superficially. The brain 
or mind thus formed would not be subjected to the first stage 
after having evolved to the latest, unless by exterior influences, 
independent of my brain and mind. 

I had been pure and chaste on earth, had never up to my nine- 
teenth year experienced an unholy desire, when suddenly without 
a moment’s warning I was seized with all the wild impulses of the 
animal. So strongly did the sensation hold me in thrall, in- 
dependent of myself, the real me battling to eject them, that, even 
had I not known the truth, I would, so differently had I been 
trained to the average mortal, know they were not of me but due 
to some cause I could not fathom. 

It is impossible to transform the pure and chaste into the 
impure and unchaste in a moment. Never having experienced 
aught of a debasing nature and never having been subjected to 
temptation, I was filled with a frenzy of delirium, like a hasheesh 
eater or drug fiend, as soon as my thoughts fastened upon Ella. 
Knowing the truth, the law that St. Paul had discerned: “The 
things that I would do, these things I do not,” I prayed fervently 
to conquer. I knew that the sensations, the mental pictures 


86 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


of Ella, in her alluring beauty, were presented to make me suffer 
and grow strong, to make me subordinate the material to the 
spiritual, to make me develop the qualities of endurance, loyalty 
and fortitude. 

I knew that I had nothing in my training and life to develop 
them, I had developed love, compassion, sympathy and patience, 
all soul gifts; but the spiritual attributes developed on earth, the 
necessary qualities to enable me to advance, I had not yet de- 
veloped. Before I could die, or awaken for good in my real home, 
I had to develop all of these. Therefore, my dear Guardian 
Angel had to impress these very unpleasant lessons, known as 
evil, under the law of suggestion. I never could cognize them 
in the real life. I was only directly connected with the cerebrum 
when the cerebellum — the animal brain — was impressed and filled 
with these sensations. I, when I received them through this 
brain, with which I was only indirectly connected, felt, in con- 
junction with it, the sensations impressed on them, not on the holy 
child of God, I knew, although I could not explain at that time; 
so I willed myself with the power of an awakened child of God 
to banish everything of the animal nature, to permit no outside 
suggestions to interfere with the real me. Therefore, instead of 
lingering over Ella and her charms, I jumped with alacrity out 
of bed, hastily performed my morning toilet and sought the large 
hall where we had prayers. 

My father and all the family were present. I willed myself 
to listen to the prayers and singing. I would not look in Ella’s 
direction. She was next to Roscoe who, as usual, I felt was more 
engrossed with her than the services. I passed out behind my 
dear parents into the dining room and after greeting them, with 
a nod to Ella and Roscoe, took my seat and was soon, apparently, 
solely intent an my breakfast. I heard my father exclaim rather 
excitedly, 

^‘Where is Tom? Do you know, dear?” addressing my mother. 
Before she could reply Tom entered, somewhat sheepishly. He 
made a slight excuse to my father who answered drily, “I’ll see 
you after breakfast before you leave for the office, Tom.” 

I recalled what Harold had said and looked lovingly at Tom 
who appeared quite anxious and depressed. He returned my look 
with interest. Oh, dear, lovable, sweet Tom, how I wish I oould 
bear for you, I thought. I followed him into my father’s study, 
never closed to me. We sat down and waited until my father 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


87 


entered. I would not question Tom. I knew my father would 
very soon know the truth. 

“Well, Tom, explain your absence last night, I find that you 
only just returned. Where were you?” 

“Father, I was with the Wallace boys. We went out to 
Compton’s to a party.” 

“With the Wallace boys. Those disreputable boys. And at 
Compton’s, that disreputable resort. How could you so degrade 
yourself and family? Tom, I forbid you while you live under 
this roof to associate with them.” Then, noting Tom’s exhausted 
appearance, in a pitying tone and taking him by the hand, he 
continued, “My boy, I hoped you would be a tower of strength 
to John just beginning to learn the wickedness of the world. 
God grant you will not pollute him as you seem to be polluting 
yourself.” 

“Oh, Father,” I interposed, “I may be a tower of strength to 
him. Have no fear for me and I will help Tom all I can.” 

Father looked at me earnestly before he replied very sadly 
and yet somewhat hopefully, 

“John, I do not believe the world will pollute you, you are 
too spiritually unfolded, but I fear for this poor boy.” 

After a few more words of good advice Tom and I left for the 
office. That day was not quite as difficult as the day preceding, 
although I, with an iron will, kept my mind upon my legal studies, 
I could not refrain from an occasional pang and, worse, the 
alluring animal sensation overwhelmed me again when Ella and 
Roscoe entered on their way to luncheon. Ella came to me 
while Roscoe spoke to the Colonel and William. She was all in 
white and looked fair and beguiling, almost as beautiful as in the 
real life. 

“What have I done to you, dear John? In what manner have 
I offended? she asked gravely, “you rushed away from me yester- 
day so peculiarly, and this morning you hardly noticed me.” 

“Oh, nothing,” I answered smilingly, “I felt rather strangely 
but I am all right now. How is it that you are with Roscoe?” 

“Father wants me at home for some reason or other, so I’ll 
not be at the school any more. You know, dear, he only consented 
to please your mother and because he thought the regular life 
would do me good. I am going to take a farewell luncheon with 
Roscoe as Father has ordered me not to see him privately any 
more.” She spoke softly yet bitterly, as though wounded deeply. 


88 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


I knew she was strongly attracted to Roscoe, not with her soul 
but with the mind she had formed on earth, and that animal 
passion, physical attraction, held her in bondage. I knew that 
nothing I could say would influence her or change that which 
had to be until she learned the lessons, like the child she was, 
in the great big earth kindergarten. 

I took her little hand, pressed it fondly, and said with deep 
feeling, so strongly expressed that she, startled, withdrew it hastily 
after looking at Roscoe to see if he had noticed. He had not but 
William had, a pitying smile, a suddenly averted head, made me 
halt my half-expressed speech, to finish abruptly, 

“Do not disobey uncle, Ella.” 

“Nonsense, I am a woman, a child no longer. Come, Roscoe, 
hurry,” turning from me rather coldly then, catching Roscoe’s 
look of remonstrance, she returned to me and said softly, “John, 
darling, you see how it is, I will not give up Roscoe.” 

“I see, dear, God bless you.” I answered tremulously. 

“Why, brother mine,” Roscoe joined in, “why so sober? Too 
much work, dear boy, I fear.” shaking my hand heartily and 
patting me tenderly on the cheek. He had made an especial 
favorite of me and loved me deeply, so much that I feared, if 
he suspected my true feeling, he would relinquish Ella no matter 
at what cost to himself. I loved him equally as well so I con- 
quered myself and returned his smile with — for the moment for 
so I willed it — one free from pain, as guileness as I really was. 

They left a few moments after, both gay and joyous, little 
dreaming of the gloom left in their wake. William’s face became 
white and set, Tom, perplexed and mournful, whilst I, after a 
furtive glance in the boys’ direction, sternly willed myself to study 
and to forget on the mortal plane that which was my greatest 
delight in the real life — my love for my soul mate Ella. 

That night I did not retire until late. My father requested me 
to keep Tom in sight, not to let him leave the school, which was 
rather difficult as he constantly tried to elude me. With great 
patience, exercised in a righteous cause, I managed to keep him 
until too late to keep his appointment. He exclaimed, looking 
at his watch, 

“Why, John, you beguiling obstructionist, you have conquered. 
It is too late to go and I had promised the boys I’d meet them 
and have a game of cards.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


89 


“A game of cards!” I ejaculated with surprise, ‘‘why not play 
at home, I’ll play with you?” 

“A game of Old Maid, you know nothing else,” he mockingly 
cried. 

“I wish to God you did not,” said my father suddenly appearing 
before us, “so you are too late and you, I presume, would like 
to teach John to gamble. What is coming over you. Son? Do 
you think of no one but yourself? Can you not control your 
evil propensities?” 

“I don’t think it evil to play cards, even to gamble. It hurts 
no one.” 

“My boy, it hurts not only yourself but all connected with you. 
You are yet too young to realize the evil effects. They will de- 
velop later. John, my son, you can retire. I wish to speak 
privately with your brother.” 

I sought my dear mother who awaited me in her room, to bid 
her goodnight. That beloved mother, staunch and true, even 
on the mortal plane, to her heart’s core, to all her children 
especially to the ewe lamb, deemed for so long the weakling of 
her flock. 

“John, my boy,” she exclaimed, “I am so glad you have come, 
that Father no longer needs you. I think we will need you more 
and more to help with the ones we have thought and prayed would 
protect you. Alas, that we did not train you differently.” 

“Why, Mother, I think my training was perfect. You made 
me strong to conquer and endure, you taught me nothing but 
love — the only power with which to conquer all evil. What 
amazes me is that Father does not see that only love will conquer 
Tom. But what worries you?” 

“Tom, Roscoe and Ella. Tom is unruly, insubordinate, and 
Roscoe and Ella impatient of advice and control. The Doctor 
has forbidden Roscoe the house and threatens to send Ella away 
if she comes here. He was furious because she lunched with 
Roscoe. I am afraid they may do something silly, possibly 
elope.” 

I was rapidly acquiring material knowledge. Subjects, long 
debarred, were freely discussed, so I knew what she meant. 

“Elope with her cousin Roscoe, marry him against her father’s 
wishes! I do not think so. Mother.” 

“The Doctor wants her to marry William who worships her. 
The Colonel also is very desirous to annex her to his family.” 


90 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


she Spoke bitterly, then, seeing something in my face, she added 
in yearning tones so full of mother love and compassion that, 
brave though I was, my eyes filled. 

‘‘Oh, my boy, my baby boy. You, too. Oh, how blind, how 
blind, I have been. Why, oh, why, did I bring her with her 
fatal beauty to entice my boys.” 

“Mother, she has not enticed us.” 

“I know, I know, but how will you bear it? She loves Roscoe. 
Oh, I wish she had never come here,” — crying softly and stroking 
my face tenderly with loving caresses, “how I wish I could bear 
for you.” 

“Mother, do not grieve for me. God will give me strength, 
and you know that I know the truth, as I often tell you I will 
not be here very long. We are always together in the real life, 
can never separate. Oh, Mother, my Mother, do not grieve 
for me.” 

She made a strong effort to repress all outward indications, 
gave me a loving embrace and said calmly, 

“John, I believe every word you say. It does not give me 
consolation to know you will soon be taken. I hope you are 
mistaken. I could not bear it. So, dear, try to live and get 
strong, for your poor mother’s sake, your poor mammy who loves 
you so. Father, Infinite Father,” bowing head upon her hands, 
“watch over my boy, give him strength, I beseech you.” 

I spoke authoritatively, some outside influence possibly im- 
pressing me, “I am in the Father’s hands. All is well with all 
of us. This is not the real life, you will know the truth before 
I leave you. That comfort will be given you.” 

“Thank God, thank God,” she sobbed. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


91 


CHAPTER X. 

Mortal Lifh; 

Roscoe and Ella were seated in an arbor in front of the 
Doctor’s home. The hour was midnight. All lights in the big 
Colonial house were out. All the family were asleep or trying 
to woo the god, Morpheus. The Doctor, turning restlessly, 
little dreamed of the stolen tryst or the many that had preceded 
it. Roscoe and Ella were passionately in love and, as is usual 
with this spurious counterfeit, aping and disgracing real love. 
The animal attraction, impressed under law, is ever more potent 
on the mortal plane than the true, conjugal love of the soul mate. 

The spirit, shut off from the real life, oblivious of the truth, 
connected with the cerebrum, with the mind formed from mortal 
experience, is governed by the dominant compelling lower brain, 
cognized by Buddhism and Theosophy as the animal soul, under 
the jurisdiction of those who supervise and direct mortal con- 
ditions, hence is more potent than the imperfectly impressed con- 
jugal love. Rarely does a spirit possess a material brain sufficient- 
ly in harmony with the true spiritual brain to be able to impress 
truth; hence a noted religious organization attributes even the 
truths of the mortal life to unreal mortal mind, not cognizing 
the great difference between the real and true, which endures for 
ever, and the suggested evil for a transitory period. 

All not produced by mortal mind — all mind is spiritual, but 
ever in existence under Divine law for purpose of development. 
Thus poor Roscoe and Ella, under dominion of the lower brain, 
sat engrossed with each other, filled with a sensuous delight, in- 
different to all but their own feeling^. They knew they were 
causing sorrow to their parents and friends; they knew there was 
nothing chaste nor hallowed in their relations, yet, despite all, 
they had determined to flee, to be able to gratify their passion. 

'‘Roscoe,” said Ella softly, “you need plead no longer, I shall 
be ready tomorrow night. We will go far west, to California, 
you say — so let it be.” 


92 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Yes, to a Mexican puebla called Yerba Buena. We will go in 
a ship around Cape Horn. I have a friend, a captain, who will 
treat us royally and give us the only cabin the boat has.” 

Suddenly Ella began to cry softly, “Oh, Roscoe, poor Mama 
and Papa, and — and John.” 

“Yes, and my dear father and mother, and John. But we 
must go. They will never consent and when they forgive us we 
will return.” 

After making plans and arrangements they parted, little 
dreaming what would interfere to prevent, “Man proposes and 
God disposes” was verified in their case before another dawning. 
Upon reaching the house, as Ella stealthily ascended the front 
steps, a huge mastiff, not recognizing her, seized her by the limb 
and began barking furiously. In vain did she admonish and 
speak beguilingly. He was a new dog, not well acquainted with 
her and, presuming she was an interloper, insisted upon holding 
her until assistance came. 

The Doctor, still awake, jumped out of bed, rushed downstairs, 
outdoors and stumbling headlong down the steep steps, whirling 
past Ella, he struck on his head and lay inert and motionless. 
Ella’s wild shrieks resounded through the house. The family 
were aroused, Ella was loosed from the dog and the Doctor carried 
within. A physician was speedily summoned but could do 
nothing. Great was her tribulation and grief. Bitterly she 
blamed herself, “All my fault, all my fault.” she wailed as she fell 
unconscious by her dead father’s side. 

For weary weeks she lay delirious with brain fever, unconscious 
when her father was carried out to return no more, unconscious 
of her heartbroken mother’s tears, yea, even unconscious of 
Roscoe’s despair. Only one had power to calm her in her wild 
paroxisms: John, with his saint’s face and pacifying touch alone 
soothed her. His aunt beseeched him to stay, the nurse would 
not permit him away, and he was installed in regular attendance. 
Day after day, night after night, with but an hour now and then 
devoted to rest, he fought, with the nurse to save the poor, clouded 
brain, but, alas, they could not succeed. 

The fever left Ella physically well but a mental wreck, with 
but the intelligence of a little child. She recognized none of the 
family, all were strangers to her and she evinced no feeling for 
even her mother. John alone bore with equanimity and upheld 
and strengthened all. He told them that Ella’s brain was dis- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


93 


eased, that the part that recorded mortal impressions was unable 
to express correctly, and that her mind was as good, as sane as 
ever. But they could not understand even though her eyes 
glowed with feeling and intelligence in direct contradiction to the 
silly, inane speech. 

“Ella’s eyes look as sweet and intelligent as ever, so different 
from the insane,” said Roscoe one day to John, “you wise boy, 
why, if they are really sane, do their eyes look so wild and 
terrible?” 

“The brain and sense organs are instruments for the spirit, a 
machine through which he expresses his senses and mind. If a 
certain oart of the brain, more directly connected with a sense 
organ, is affected, the sense organ does not express clearly any 
more than the brain does. Ella’s sense organs, the eyes, the 
optic nerves and motore oculi, are not affected, hence, she herself 
gives the expression in the eyes. Were the organs of the eyes 
affected she could not, hence, the eyes would express vacancy or 
a wild glare.” 

“Good logic,” said Roscoe, “you are ahead of your time, John. 
I really think you are inspired with the truth. But, John, you 
will be relieved to hear that I have accepted Ella’s affliction as a 
well-deserved punishment to myself. God grant she may be cured 
and live to marry William, for I’d be afraid after this.” 

Roscoe did not know that he was opening an old wound, that he 
was stabbing his beloved brother to the heart. John did not 
answer until the tumultuous beating of his heart had subsided. 

“Roscoe, I do not think Ella will marry William. Indeed, I 
fear she will never recover her reason, I mean the use of her 
brain.” 

The Colonel and William visited Ella very frequently. 
William’s ardor continued. He would have gladly wedded Ella 
as she was and suggested it to his father, saying, 

“I will see that she has the best medical skill even if I have 
to take her to Europe.” 

“No, no, dear boy,” answered the Colonel, “Mrs. Langdon will 
never consent. They have had the best to be had here and Mrs. 
Langdon has sent East and it will cost a large sum to bring the 
great Doctor Stone here, an authority on brain troubles.” 

The great brain specialist arrived, a really advanced thinker 
and occult student. He agreed with John and said that when 
Ella fell by her father’s side, she had injured the posterior region 


94 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


of the skull, (the fissure which separates the cerebrum into two 
hemispheres), the posterior lobe, the tentorium, by which it is 
separated from the cerebellum, and many nerves more or less 
affected. In consequence, unless a miracle was performed, she 
would never be cured. He furthermore said that while her mind 
seemed impaired she was as sane as ever despite her lack of 
control of her instruments. 

“Why, most certainly the brain is but an instrument for the 
thinker or spirit,” he admitted before many, “she is fully 
conscious of all surroundings even though she cannot express her- 
self properly. All mind is spiritual and appertains solely to the 
spirit. Though she cannot express mind, the mind is still clear 
and sane.” 

“Are all the insane, even violent maniacs, really sane and 
copscious of their terrible acts?” asked Mrs. Langdon. 

“Behind each insane or demented brain there is a conscious 
spirit, conscious of all he commits, utterly powerless to control 
his acts. He is conscious in that part of the spirit brain where 
consciousness comes from, connected with God — all experiences 
are registered on the real brain — fully conscious of all he cannot 
express through a diseased instrument.” This was unintelligible 
to all but John. 

After the doctor left, Mrs. Langdon decided to place Ella in 
God’s hands, not to apply to any system of healing but to rely 
simply and solely on Him. 

In the meantime Tom was causing a great deal of anxiety to 
his family. John’s time, after office hours, was divided between 
Ella and him. It soon became apparent that John alone had 
any influence with Tom, that he would heed no one but him. 
At last, tried beyond endurance, Mr. Roanoke forbade him the 
house. He would not listen to the pleadings of any. In an 
excited interview after Tom had not returned for several days, 
he thrust him forth and demanded that none of the family hold 
intercourse with him. 

John, seeing that his father was hardly responsible, promised 
nothing but withdrew quietly and followed Tom. He overtook 
him as he was passing out of the grounds. 

“Stop, Tom,” Tom turned a haggard, sorrowful face, “I am 
going with you.” 

“What do you mean, John?” 

“I mean I will not desert you.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


95 


“Oh, brother, my brother,’’ cried Tom, sinking on the turf, 
“thank God for your love, but I will not burden your life with 
such a weakling as I am. I am not such a dastard as that.” 

John sank by his side, clasped him warmly by the hand then 
patted his cheek tenderly, 

“You need me more than anyone, dear boy, we will fight to- 
gether. Possibly God will hear my prayers. Come, it is late, 
let’s get to the office.” 

The Colonel, an advanced thinker, cognizant of the utter 
irresponsibility of the bom weakling, knowing that all that could 
be done with this class was to wisely and tenderly protect in all 
ways, insisted on taking the boys home with him. 


96 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XI. 

Spirit Lire 

One night, after detachment, I sought Ella. It was after a 
very trying day on earth. Ella had been very restless and ap- 
peared as though memory were returning. Now and then she 
had alluded to past occurrences with complete understanding, 
had mentioned Roscoe and her father, with tears, then had 
suddenly subsided into a comatose condition from which it had 
been impossible to arouse her. The Doctor said it was due not to 
the brain but to the kidneys, and that in all probability she would 
pass out before returning to consciousness. 

Harold and Clarice said nothing to me about her condition but 
requested me to return soon as they wished to explain some 
things. I found Ella in the attached home of the Langdons’. She 
was in her room in an unconscious state. One of her tutors was 
with her. I asked, after greeting him, 

“Will Ella be detached for good? Is she coming home?” 

“Ella is in that cognized as a trance,” he answered, “such as 
you used to be put in. She will be here for several days and then 
retqrn after her physical body is healed. You know, all vitalizing 
is done here; her physical body needs not only renewed vitality 
but complete quiescence. She will soon be conscious. Return 
in a few moments and you can see her.” 

I passed out with him, as Clara, her other guardian, entered 
to attend her. I seated myself on the front porch in a secluded 
nook, far from friends who were also awaiting her. I knew she 
would seek me first, that, as soon as she became conscious, she 
would receive my telepathic message. While awaiting her I 
surveyed the group on the porch and steps. Tom and Roscoe 
were among them. William was not detached, he was studying 
on earth to drive away thought. Full of fear that Ella would 
die he could not sleep, therefore I knew I would not see him. 
Roscoe, who had recovered from his passion for Ella and only 
loved her as a cousin, had retired early. Tom, whom I had 


' WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


97 


beguiled into giving up a card party, was not here, Tom the 
weakling of earth, but as mentally strong as I, — the dear, noble 
brother of the real life. O. Tom, I thought, how I wish you did 
not have to return there. 

My sister, Lilian, bright and beauteous, peeped in, 

“Oh, John, she is coming.” then she sped away. 

A rustle, a soft footstep, and she came to me, my own, my love, 
in all her glorious beauty. 

“Ella, Ella,” I forced her gently beside me on the couch, “thank 
God, you are yourself here. Oh, how trying it is to see you as 
you are there.” 

“Yes,” she sighed, “but it must be, and Clarice says I must 
return and stay there a long while. Oh, John, how I wish it were 
over.” 

“Thank God, it will be but a moment in the real life.” 

“A very long moment, dear, but let’s forget the old school and 
be as happy as we really are,” pulling my face close and kissing 
me fervently. 

Although animal passion is not known, a sensation much more 
rapture-inspiring swept over me at the touch of those soft lips, 
feelings that only the soul mate inspires. 

Ella and I conversed for a while upon various topics of mutual 
interest, then I bade her goodbye and returned to my tutors, who, 
both together, an unusual occurrence, were waiting for me in 
Harold’s study. I seated myself between them on a couch and 
looked at them inquiringly. 

“Prepare for a rather unpleasant surprise.” Harold said 
sympathetically. 

“I am prepared,” I said soberly, “ of course, it is about Ella.” 

“Yes, Ella will awaken on earth with perfectly clear mind, all 
her passion for Roscoe gone. Then, later, she will develop a 
certain feeling for William and marry him.” 

“Oh, no, Harold,” I said quietly, “not Ella but the poor mortal 
form, controlled by Ella, who is not herself, but a very poor 
reflection, will marry him. Since it is God’s will or the only way 
in which she can be fitted to be detached, I shall bear it as best 
I can. Thank God, we know not jealousy here. Well, at least 
I’ll have the pleasure of seeing her here.” 

“Yes, but you can only see her as William’s wife, until she is 
detached and free to wed you here.” 


98 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


‘‘I know, but all know we are soul mates, that it is God’s will 
when we are both detached to wed. Why does not God permit 
us to wed our soul mates on earth?” 

“Simply because through wedding others one obtains the 
necessary suffering. Ella and William will not be happy, both 
will suffer and develop qualities through their union which they 
could not otherwise. You will be detached very soon, you have 
but little more to develop.” 

“I am glad and yet I shall miss the dear old earth.” I said, 
somewhat regretfully. 

“Yes, I still remember how I missed it.” said Clarice. 

“And because I loved it,” said Harold, “I still devote con- 
siderable time to those still there.” 

“It must be a long while since you were there, Harold, you 
have advanced so far.” 

“I was of the first race, a race very little higher than my 
mortal animal progenitors.” 

“I suppose you could not really love it as you were so unde- 
veloped?” 

“It is true I was undeveloped and had neither spiritual nor 
material knowledge, but I loved many like myself and also loved 
the beauties of my surroundings in the then balmy tropical north. 
Then there were some who remembered the spirit life. I was one, 
and, although I could not express in words all that I remembered, 
I knew my time there was transitory, that the real life was that 
of the spirit — as do all primitive people. We knew we had 
evolved from the animal and were much like them, but we also 
knew we were very different. 

“Now, John dear, you are prepared. How we wish that the 
mortal life could be less severe, but it is the only place of suffering 
in existence.” said Clarice. 

“The hells that Christianity teaches of on earth and that 
Swedenborg wrote of, — I am so thankful that I can recall them 
more correctly.” 

“Very few can like you, and even fewer able to understand the 
truth at present.” said Harold. 

“Even my father can but little, and my mother is skeptical 
still.” 

That evening Ella, Clara, Clarice and I, took a short flying 
trip to Eexington. We ascended from a porch in Ella’s home. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


99 


Clara and Clarice, without any perceptible motion, arose before 
us. Ella and I followed rapidly, waving hands and wafting kisses 
to those below who were watching us. 

“Wouldn’t we be astounded if we’d seen anyone flying on 
earth.” laughed Ella turning her glowing face towards me. 

“We would have heart failure,” I responded, “but I suppose 
in time there will be flying there.” 

“But not as here; they will invent flying machines, not float 
as we do.” 

“No, they are formed of different substance.” 

“Not different but grouped differently, subjected to different 
speed revolutions suited to the mortal plane.” 

Ella turned the subject by remarking lovingly, “John dear, I 
am told that when I return I will forget my attraction for Roscoe 
and, in time, marry William. Why, I wonder, must I do that 
which I dislike so much here. Oh, I’ll be so happy when I am 
free. Why, why, must we act so differently from our real selves, 
like puppets, simply because we are shut out from the truth and 
governed by mortal mind?” 

“If we could recall this life there, knowing the truth, before 
developing the essential qualities, the mortal school would be of 
no use.” 

“I would not care what suffering I have to undergo, John, if I 
knew the truth and could be with you.” 

“If you knew the truth you could not develop loyalty, patience 
and submission, the qualities you must develop. You never could 
with me, for your truly expressed love, your knowledge of the 
truth, on that plane subject to natural law, governed by the 
mind you have so falsely formed, would prevent both of us from 
developing that which we must. How could we learn if our 
greatest desires were granted?” 

“Therefore,” Ella said, “Buddha presumed, aghast at the misery 
surrounding him, that the sole way to find surcease from care and 
evil was to develop absolute indifference until all desires were 
conquered. Ah, how pitiful not to be able to grasp the truth 
that even the desire, animal attraction, is not to develop the ego, 
the soul child of God, but to make the spirit brain and body a 
fit instrument, and that the most dominant desires of all, the 
desire for love, truth, wisdom, can never become extinct but are 
increased as the ego advances, not into the absorption of a con- 


100 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


dition of absolute indifference but to the state of archangel, all 
desires granted, all in perfect unison with the Source of all, our 
loving Father.” 

“Yes, how much we have to be thankful for, to know that 
instead of conquering pure and holy desires, we retain them until 
fitted to enjoy them, and that, when able to comprehend, even on 
earth, we know that the false, animal ones are but stepping stones 
to aid in our upward march, not to extinguish the real and true, 
but to develop us, to enable us to fulfill our holy, pure desires.” 

*^Yes, dear John, I begin to see. I will develop patience, 
loyalty and submission, I see I am not yet ready.” 

We suspended our flight for a moment, our hands clasped 
lovingly, our eyes shone with holy lustre. 

“What matters the fleeting moments of the transitory school 
life,” Ella murmured, “nothing, not even our Father, can ever 
part us in truth.” 

We soon alighted in the little city of Lexington, of course 
larger and very different from the earth one. It was all of spot- 
less white, encircled with great parks, orchards and vineyards of 
extraordinary beauty, instead of the fields of vegetables and earth 
produce. In all places where spirits live, whether attached or 
detached, in the spirit world, beauty is universal and cultivated 
to the highest degree of perfection of which they are capable. 

The sun was just disappearing behind the distant mountain 
ranges. All the country was bathed in constantly changing tints, 
while the little white city sparkled with numberless rays. The 
trees and verdure scintillated with countless dewdrops, little sparks 
flying from the beautiful flowers and trees like bright-winged 
butterflies. We found ourselves in a park in the suburbs of the 
city. Before our gaze spread a view of enchantment. A floral 
festival was in progress. Not, as on earth, was there a procession 
or parade, but little booths and pagodas dotted the velvety lawns 
midst gay parterres of flowers. Here and there a vast building 
composed entirely of flowers, surrounded by a wide moat or 
stream, with floating flower islets and tiny canoes wreathed with 
vines, ferns and flowers. 

Animals, of all sizes and species, made to appear like flowers, 
frisked and gambolled with themselves or their to-be brethren 
and sisters. All spirits, men, women, and children, personated 
an especial flower. We were grasped by Roscoe and Lilian, who 
had arrived by a different route before us and had attired them- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


101 


selves for the occasion. Roscoe was a huge chrysanthemum, 
Lilian a marvellous pink rose. So artistically were their costumes 
draped as to leave no suggestion of the form but the face glowing 
with pleasure and laughter. 

“Come, John, come Ella, we have lovely costumes for you.’’ they 
said, after greeting us. 

“No necessity,” said Clara, “I will have them clothed before 
you can.” 

Within a second, unknown to me how accomplished — only 
Celestial wisdom can understand — I appeared like a huge sun- 
flower : that is every part of me was composed of numberless sun- 
flowers emitting shafts of golden glory, streamers of electricity 
seemed to radiate from me. Ella stood transfixed as she gazed 
on me, while I, no less bewildered, gazed upon her transformation. 
Within a trice, ere I could hardly grasp the change, I saw little 
sparks, reasoning entities, group themselves into various colors 
and substances, forming lustrous, exquisite pansies, entirely 
covering Ella’s form. Only her face peeped forth from the 
heart and center of a glorious pansy. 

“Oh, how beautiful,” we gasped, “why do not all have their 
costumes made so?” 

“Simply because we seldom in spirit spheres display the 
knowledge and wisdom appertaining to the Celestial.” laughed 
Clara. 

“We will yet learn.” said Roscoe. 

“Yes, when you arrive at our plane, not before.” 


102 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XII, 

Mortad Lib*!; 

Ella recovered entirely. She returned to consciousness with no 
affection whatever for Roscoe, and seemed to regard him in a 
sense as an interloper. She would permit no one to touch upon 
her former relations with him. In fact, when he called on her 
after her recovery, she displayed so much indifference and apathy 
that her mother fearing a relapse requested him to keep away 
until she was fully assured that her recovery was permanent. 
Roscoe, already infatuated with another girl, gladly acquiesced. 
He recognized that physical attraction alone had enthralled them, 
and was much relieved to find that he need give his parents and 
relations no further cause for anxiety. 

William met with a more kindly reception and was soon, to 
his great joy, installed as her favorite suitor. John, who remem- 
bered distinctly all his spiritual experiences, tried to bear with 
the same fortitude he evinced before, but, although he knew the 
truth, he could not always calm his turbulent passion and had 
often to scourge himself, mentally and physically, to repress his 
overwhelming desire. 

“Verily,” he thought, “if heaven were solely to be gained by 
ceasing to long for Ella, I fear that desire could never be con- 
quered. Alas, how weak is poor human nature. Even though 
I know I am not of the earth, by no means animal, I am not 
potent to calm the blood and water of the natural body. The 
carnal triumphs so often.” 

Under the law of sin he was subjected, at this period, to daily 
fits of depression. The Colonel and William surmised the truth, 
with regret and sorrow, and did all they could to keep him from 
brooding. His father and mother also began to suspect the truth. 
Bitterly did the poor mother arraign herself for her short-sighted 
policy. When the truth dawned upon Roscoe and he realized 
all his brother had undergone through him, he was rendered 
almost as melancholy. One day, unable to restrain himself, 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


103 


when John returned from the office with a pale, sad face, he 
lead him into the arbor and said huskily, 

“John, I cannot stand it any longer. I know what is troubling 
you. Oh, what an ass I have been.” 

John turned a startled face while he sank on a seat, 

“Roscoe, do not worry about me, I am conquering myself, I 
feel much better today.” 

“Why do you look so white and miserable?” 

“I am slightly tired. The heat is oppressive.” 

“John, I know you love Ella. I see all now, I could kick 
myself for being so blind. I wish I had never seen her, that she 
had never come to us, we have only had misery through her.” 

“Roscoe, Ella is blameless,” John said rebukingly, “she has 
never encouraged me at all, has only been a dear loving sister, 
and you know how she feels to you now.” 

“Yes, I am glad she does. I hope she and William will marry. 
He deserves her, but I can’t bear to see you grieve over her. Do 
try to stop it, John.” 

“I am trying all the time, Roscoe. I will conquer all outward 
expression but my love for her is deathless. She is my soul 
mate although she does not dream it here.” 

“John, I know you are illumined, I do not doubt what you say. 
So, feeling that way, sure of her hereafter, although it seems cold 
comfort to me, I know you will be strong enough to pull yourself 
together, if only for the dear, old Mother’s sake.” 

The dear mother, ever on the lookout for her ewe lamb, entered 
the arbor with both hands outstretched to her beloved sons. John 
sprang up, the blood suffusing his sensitive, young face. 

“Dear mother, how lovely you look.” 

The mother glanced anxiously at Roscoe. He understood. He 
saw that she, as well as he, noted the pallid transparency of his 
skin, the unearthly glow in his eyes and, above all, the hectic 
flush in his cheeks after the blood receded, 

“John, father and I have decided to spend our vacation with 
only our own especial brood, no-one else will be permitted. We 
have never really had a home. Father has bought a small place 
in the mountains and we insist upon all going with us. The 
Colonel gives you and Tom leave of absence until vacation is 
over. I will be so glad to get Tom away for^ while.” 

Ah, diplomatic mother, you knew that would decide John, who 
little dreamed that the home was bought, not for Tom, who was 


104 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


Strong and husky although dissipated, but for himself, who, to 
the fond hearts surrounding him, seemed to be preparing for the 
final flight. At the mention of Tom’s name, John looked much 
interested and replied with feeling, 

“Mother, I heartily approve of your plan. It will be so delight- 
ful to be together for even so short a time, and I feel it will do 
Tom a world of good.” 

The mother and Roscoe exchanged bright looks of hope. Tom 
joined them with, not a hectic, but the flush of ardent spirits on 
his cheeks. He was in a slightly hilarious mood. 

“Why, old fellow,” addressing John, after nodding to the 
others, “why did you not wait for me? You are getting mis- 
anthropic, dear old boy, and need a change.” 

“So do you, Tom, and Mother is going to give us one. I hope 
you will come.” John answered. 

“Where? Oh, yes, to the mountains. Father spoke to me this 
morning, of course I’ll come. It will help you wonderfully.” 

John answered with a smile, pleased to have Tom take such 
a view of it, 

“Of course it will. I am eager to be off, when do we leave, 
Mother dear?” 

“The day after tomorrow. You will have little time to bid 
friends good bye. You look tired, John, and had better rest 
awhile before dinner. Come, dear boy,” — putting an arm within 
his and taking him away. 

“Roscoe, I would not mention it before, I hated to put it into 
words, but I fear for John.” Tom remarked sadly. 

“So do I, Tom,” Roscoe answered sadly, “Oh, brother, for his 
sake, do be careful and control yourself, while he is with us at 
least.” 

“If it drives me crazy, I will control myself, have no fear.” 
Tom swallowed a sob. 

The brothers shook hands lovingly. Roscoe knew how im- 
possible it was for Tom to control the appetite for liquor that he 
had developed. He knew that it was now a disease preying on 
his vitals, that it had advanced beyond his control, and that will 
was so dominated by the insatiable appetite that he was but a 
puppet in its hands. 

“Oh, God, had we but confined him in its early stages before 
he had lost will, when strong enough to control. Oh, what a curse 
is liquor,” Roscoe thought looking at Tom’s lovable face, (with 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


105 


its loving grey eyes and sweet mouth), with ineffable pity, ‘‘though 
he sinks to the depths, I will stand by him and take John’s place 
with him.” 

Tom heaved a big sigh, 

“Roscoe, if John goes Home, as he calls it, I fear it will be all 
up with me. I’ll never be able to stand it.” 

“I’ll stand by you, Tom, whatever happens. But try your 
utmost to exercise will, when unable I’ll force you if possible.” 
said Roscoe embracing him tenderly. 

“Even if you shut me up, Roscoe, better that than worse.” 

Roscoe’s handsome face wore a look of gloom, after parting 
from Tom, when he sought his father in the library. Mr. 
Roanoke’s eyes brightened. His hopes were becoming more 
centered in Roscoe. Bitterly disappointed in Tom, heart wrung 
over John, he realized that this son, who had almost shipwrecked 
his life, was to be a bulwark to him in his old age. 

“Roscoe, I wish to speak with you about John. We leave 
soon, especially for John’s sake. The Doctor and I are hopeless. 
We know from John’s own lips, when entranced, that he will 
very soon be taken.” 

Roscoe paled and trembled violently, ‘Oh, father, I had hope, 
Oh, Oh.” He put his hands before his face, and tottered to an 
armchair. Suppressed sobs shook his big frame. John, his 
favorite brother, the angel of the home, to be taken. In truth, 
no hope, no hope, no use going into the country, vain all the 
loving care and prayers, his mother’s heart would be broken, his 
father bowed with sorrow, and all for that unfortunate Ella who 
had almost ruined him, taken him from all these dear ones. 

Bitter thoughts overwhelmed him, rebellion against God assailed 
him. Then his better nature asserted itself. He checked the 
unworthy thoughts. John’s sweetness, holiness, arose before him, 
John’s faith, love, wisdom awoke within him, for the first time, 
beams of truth, 

“John is right, he will not really die, he will still be with us.” 
Vanquished were his doubts and fears, conquered by faith in his 
brother he developed faith in life eternal and God. He removed 
his hands and lifted a transfigured face to his father, “John will 
still be with us. Father, and I feel I will see him after he passes 
on,” impressed by the spirit spheres he spoke words of truth, he 
was to see the beloved brother often, ere he, also, would be de- 
tached. 


106 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


That eve John, in company with Tom, whom he would not 
abandon even for Ella, called upon her to bid farewell. They 
found her, alone in the drawing room, seated before the piano. 
She arose as they entered, a vision in white muslin and pink 
rosebuds, 

“Dear boys, so you are going away. I shall miss you so much.” 
grasping each by a hand, and looking with tenderness and anxiety 
at John. 

Ah, Ella, even then you were beginning to realize that John, 
although a cousin, had a peculiar attraction for you, one so potent 
that oft, despite the pleadings of your mother, and the worship 
of William, you had difficulty in keeping in check. When she, 
not for the first time, noted his extreme delicacy, the saintliness 
of his expression, she felt as though she would lose consciousness. 

“Oh, my saint, John,” she thought despairingly, “you will soon 
be taken and I will be bereft.” Then sternly willing herself to 
subdue these uncousinly feelings, she felt too keenly that she 
had almost wrecked Roscoe’s life, a cousin almost a brother, and 
would not permit unhallowed feelings to control, so she banished 
all and lovingly spoke, 

“Dear John, dear Tom, my heart and love will go with you, 
you know, John, I am always with you in spirit.” 

John looked amazed. Was it possible that Ella was remember- 
ing the truth? He saw such a gleam in her eyes that his body, 
refreshed and revivified, responded to the joy of his soul. A 
look of rapture shot athwart his face, of such hallowed love and 
purity, a look that Ella, touched to her inmost core, remembered 
to the day of her death as her greatest blessing and comfort. 

The family were soon settled in their log cabin, in the mount- 
ains, about twenty miles distant. It was a roomy cabin of a dozen 
rooms, furnished with rustic, handmade furniture, with great 
fireplaces iti the living room, and wide porches. It made an ideal 
home. It was located on the summit of a broad ridge, in the 
center of a clearing. Its outlook took in an unobstructed view 
of a vast range of country on all sides. 

Beneath them, in front, ran a placid river, in the rear a forest 
primeval. The nearest white neighbor was ten miles away. The 
red man twice that distance, fortunately, at this time, not on the 
war path. Mr. Roanoke had brought several sturdy, colored 
men and a couple of women, to do the work. He and his boys 
devoted themselves to hunting and fishing. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


107 


Mrs. Roanoke and Lilian superintended the kitchen and dairy, 
besides taking occasional trips with the men folks. John, after 
his parting interview with Ella, had braced up considerably and 
soon began to improve in health and spirits. Feeling that Ella 
realized the truth at last, filled with a strong determination to 
forget self, to devote all thought and love to the dear ones whom 
he knew he was soon to part with on the mortal plane, he willed 
himself to take the best care of himself physically that he could. 

Knowing that he could not prolong life ordained to go, he also 
knew he could keep the body in good condition by giving it the 
right kind of care, therefore he bathed and exercised regularly, 
ate good, wholesome food, breathed good, pure air, clothed him- 
self properly according to the weather, and, above all, kept a 
calm, tranquil mind. 

In those days. New Thought, as old as the hills, Christian 
Science and mental branches, were unknown, but John was espe- 
cially gifted and received his knowledge direct from the spirit 
spheres, from whence all the knowledge in the world has come, 
hence knew more than any physician how to care for himself. He 
knew that the panacea for all ills, the best tonic he could have, 
was to forget self, to give no more thought to his mental or 
physical condition than was necessary to keep his brain and body 
in good working order. 

Every night, after retiring, prior to going to sleep, he would 
thank God for all his blessings, forget or ignore all worries and 
relapse into sleep with peace in his mind and soul. Regularly 
every morning he awakened fully conscious of all that had tran- 
spired in the real life, thus strengthened and comforted. Needless 
to say, the family were delighted, and hope again began to sing 
her alluring song in all their hearts. 

Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke breathed sighs and prayers of relief 
and gratitude. Roscoe and Tom beamed with joy. Lilian 
carolled throughout the day and eve like a nightingale. Thus 
two months of peace and joy glided by. All began to think 
that John would be spared, that he was saved, and that within 
a few weeks he would be entirely recovered. Tom, also, had made 
a gallant fight and seemingly conquered. For love of his dear 
brother he had refrained from even going to the white neighbors 
because he kept a distillery. Although he suffered with^ the 
thirst of the damned he would not yield. In this pure environ- 
ment, the healthful outdoor life, he acquired will and poise. All 


108 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


began to hope that he would be enabled to conquer for good and 
all the insidious disease waiting to claim him. 

Thus a beautiful calm preceded the terrible storm soon to 
break. Despite the fact that Mr. Roanoke had heard from John’s 
own lips that he would be taken, he thrust all thoughts of it 
aside, deeming them incorrect impressions, one of many made 
by undeveloped psychics. John’s pink cheeks — not hectic flush 
now, his bright eyes, joyous manner, his hearty laugh, deceived 
all. Several times he felt like preparing them but refrained, 
thinking he would let them enjoy every moment until the last 
day. One week, prior to the day, he decided to see Ella once 
more, so he sought his mother with the intention of requesting 
her to invite her sister and Ella for a few days. To his surprise 
his mother, doubtless impressed by her Celestial guides, said when 
he approached her, on the porch, 

“John, I’d love to see my sister and Ella. Would it weaken 
you, dear, if I’d send for them? Are you strong enough to 
bear it?” ' 

He laughed merrily. No, he would not spoil their last days. 
Let them remember him joyous and happy to the end. 

“Mother, darling, just the thing. Have no fear for me. All 
my worries and glooms are of the past; yes, send old Tom with 
the wagonette and bring them tomorrow.” 

“I have to consult your father first. Ah, here he comes. Dear, 
John and I would like to send for sister and Ella. Do you think 
it wise?” 

Mr. Roanoke’s face clouded. What unfortunate fate was 
forcing his wife, generally so sensible, to this unwise request. 
With John’s eager eyes mutely imploring he was compelled to 
smilingly agree. He sought Roscoe and told him. Roscoe 
jumped up from the couch with anxious face, 

“Oh, father, we are so happy. It is like Eden, now the serpent 
— Oh, God, forgive me!” 

“Too late now. Would that your mother had consulted me in 
private.” 

A merry party welcomed Ella and her mother. Mr. Roanoke 
helped them alight from the wagonette. All, excepting Roscoe, 
welcomed Ella lovingly. Roscoe, too perturbed, could not appear 
natural. While Ella was laying off her wraps he took his gun 
and went hunting. He could not bear to look upon John’s 
rapturous face. For the first time since their arrival a terrible 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


109 


foreboding overwhelmed him. When he returned late, after 
supper, he joined the family in the living-room and felt relieved 
to find all tranquil and happy. Even John’s face seemed more 
natural, less rapturous, although his eyes glowed with a strange 
brilliancy. John pulled a chair next to him, 

“Come, Roscoe, sit here.” 

Barely glancing at Ella, who sat between his father and mother 
opposite John, he sat down, looked searchingly at his brother 
and then at his father, whose eyes met his with a look of anxiety. 

Ella, who had been gay and blithesome ere he entered, arose 
and sought Lilian, seated near her aunt, at the large center table. 
Roscoe noted John’s eyes following her with such a look of 
yearning intensity that, startled, he glanced at Ella who, thinking 
herself unobserved, looked at John with equal yearning and 
intensity. Despite his indifference and irritation he felt a warm 
heart-throb of sympathy: “God pity them,” he thought. So 
intense and prolonged was Ella’s gaze that it soon became evident 
to all that she was unconscious of all but the one dearest object 
in the room to her. Fortunately John’s attention had been dis- 
tracted by his father and he, alone, did not see it. Her mother, 
alarmed and horrified, beyond measure, at the truth, so openly, 
unconsciously displayed for the first time, arose and took her 
hand, 

“Ella, dear, please sing to us, my child.” 

Ella awoke from her absorption and answered smilingly, 

“Certainly, Mother.” 

All had read the truth. All saw that not solely John but she 
also suffered. All hearts sympathized with her, thinking that 
she at last realized what a mistake she had made in encouraging 
Roscoe when her love had been given to John. Mr. Roanoke 
said to his wife ere retiring, 

“How I wish there were not such a prejudice against cousins 
marrying, I’d really encourage it.” 

“We have nothing to do with it,” she replied, “It is in God’s 
hands.” 

Regardless of the secret canker of care the next few days passed 
pleasantly. John continued as bright and well as ever. Ella 
never forgot herself again, a hint from her mother sufficed. The 
last day of mortal life for John dawned. Alone in his chamber, 
after Tom left, he arose and attired himself carefully. Ere going 
out he looked in the glass and noted with satisfaction the peace 


no 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


and healthfulness of his face: “They will remember me as I 
appear, I am glad I look so well.” 

All had assembled on the porch. Every member of the house- 
hold was present. John went up to his father and asked him 
to read a certain chapter and to sing “Nearer my God to Thee.” 
The grand, inspiring words: “The spirit is released in glory, 
the corruptible put on the incorruptible,” in fact, the funeral 
service was read, with mingled emotions by the father, who began 
to suspect a motive and in the middle of it stopped abruptly and 
looked anxiously at his son. He saw a radiant face, so luminous 
with love, that he, encouraged, resumed to the end. After the 
closing hymn and prayer, all were startled when John advanced 
to his father, saying: 

“Father, dear, there is going to be soon, I regret to say, a 
parting. While I have time I want to tell you all some things 
which, after I am gone, I want you to remember. First, dear 
father, as my time is short, draw up that couch here. Mother, 
dear, on my right, Ella, on my left. Beloved Father, brothers and 
sisters, friends, the time has come. ’ John sank slowly in the 
middle of the couch, no sign of weakness visible. 

The mother took one hand, Ella the other, while the family 
grouped themselves around. 

“Before I go on I want to bid all good-bye. Come, old friends,” 
to the colored servants, “let me bid you farewell until we meet 
on the other side.” 

Sobbingly, wonderingly, they shook him by the hand. His 
old nurse kised him thrice ere she returned to her place. The 
father, Roscoe and Tom, all trembling violently, with suppressed 
emotion, embraced him lovingly and lingeringly, loth to relinquish 
him. Mrs. Langdon, his aunt, with firm tones to give him 
courage, said tenderly, 

“Not good-bye, dearest boy, but au revoir, we’ll soon join you.” 

The mother, paralyzed with grief, sat incapable of motion or 
speech. Ella, with a frozen look of despair, swayed violently. 
Tenderly he took the hands of his best beloved and clasped them. 

“Beloved ones, grieve not, believe me, we never part. I shall 
see you all tonight in the real home. Darling Mother, you will 
soon know here, you will be comforted, I know.” 

His mother’s face suddenly became transfigured, joy, wonder 
overspread it. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


Ill 


^‘Father, Mother, Oh, it is true, you do live. Oh, Father, my 
Mother.” 

“Oh, John, John, my ewe lamb, my baby boy, you are going 
with them, you will not die, you will live like them. Oh, I thank 
Thee, Heavenly Father.” 

John drew her to him, kissing her repeatedly. Then he clasped 
Ella to his heart, murmured a few inaudible words, and, with a 
face unutterably tender and loving, continued, 

“Dear ones, I do not go, I never shall leave you, you are ever 
with me. Father, believe me, all I have said is true. The real 
life surrounds you. Although you know it not, there is no 
separation. There is only a veil, it is now drawn for me. It 
will be drawn for you all, tonight, when you sleep. I only 
leave this mortal body, it will go to dust, but I shall live on in 
my real body. The spirit is released, the corruptible is 
abandoned. The incorruptible is always incorruptible, cannot be 
corrupted in hell nor purged in purgatory. I will not stay in 
the grave until Gabriel sounds his horn, anymore than did the 
dear Lord. God is the God of the living not of the dead. All 
live. Life cannot die, become extinct. Love cannot be wiped 
out of consciousness, my life, my love, I take with me. They 
are me. Without life, without love, I’d cease to exist. My life, 
my love is ever expressed through a body in the real life as here 
That body I ever live in. That body, you, Mother and Roscoe 
will see before long on this plane. It is the only real one. The 
glorious home of our Father is not solely for the redeemed, but 
for all His children — the saint and the sinner. All do not go, 
but live there all the time save when conscious for a transitory 
period here. Not solely for those who have faith, for those who 
can see and hear, for those who are ready, but for all — ^whether 
they have good instruments or not, whether born righteous, or 
moral pervert, whether able to stand, like Roscoe, or who fall 
like my dear old Tom. Your hand again, brother mine. You 
will not, you cannot fall in the real home, and, if you do here, if 
you sink to the depths, dear old boy, know that in the real life you 
are on an equal plane with all. Our Father makes no distinc- 
tions. All are His own. He knows what He is about. He is 
Omnipotent. We can neither advise nor teach Him. Oh, beloved 
ones, does not my going, all severing of the mortal, all birth, all, 
prove His Omnipotence. Father,” turning to his father, “thy 
hand, will you pardon and love, after I am gone, this dear brother, 


112 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


and seek to understand that which causes physical and mental 
weakness. Not the pure, holy child of God, all God’s children 
are holy, but the poor physical brains and bodies which they can 
not use properly. A poor, defective brain or body is not a good 
instrument, is not amenable to the control of the spirit, who 
fain would evoke harmony instead of discord, as so many do 
and regret bitterly. Beloved ones, there is nothing to regret. 
We all do the very best we can with the instruments which are 
evolved with us, and which, under law, we to a certain degree 
develop. Hath not the Potter power over the clay, to evolve 
one lump to dishonor or to honor, as is best for discipline here? 
Hence, as the lump is fashioned by the Potter or His instruments, 
is the career and life of all determined on earth. Always remem- 
ber this so you can bear, with courage, all sorrow and sin. You 
all know of our beautiful home where I shall see you tonight, 
where we are all happy and free from worry. So, I pray you will 
not grieve. Mother darling, — clasping her again — you will be 
brave.” 

With streaming eyes, the mother promised. Then he turned 
to his father and with dimming eyes, tremulously he said, “Father, 
be good to Tom.” 

Mr. Roanoke knelt before him, murmuring, “My beloved son, 
I promise, I promise.” 

“Roscoe,” John took Roscoe’s hand and then said as his head 
sank, “Ella, Ella, do not grieve.” then closed his eyes and his 
head fell upon his mother’s breast, the breast that had nursed 
him as a babe, sheltered him as a child, comforted him as a boy, 
and now was the last to receive him as he lapsed into a state of 
coma, which preceded his death a few hours later. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


113 


CHAPTER XIII. 

Spirit Lipi; 

Turn we from the sorrow-filled home of the Roanoke’s to the 
same home in the spirit world. With Harold and Clarice, John, 
after a certain period devoted to connecting him more closely 
with the Divine Mind, slowly returned to consciousness. Memory 
of the spirit life was cut off. The part of his brain recording 
spiritual impressions was still in a magnetized state, which, un- 
like the majority as he was so spiritually unfolded, would soon 
be restored to its normal condition. While all remember, when 
detached by sleep or trance, all appertaining to spirit and mortal 
life, all, upon first awakening by that cognized as death, remem- 
ber nothing of the spirit life until memory returns, which varies 
in all. 

Many can remember nothing for several days and, during these 
periods, more or less in the material consciousness, insist upon 
staying in it, closer to the dear ones left behind, until memory 
returns and they remember the life of the two worlds. During 
these periods they seek all who are in communion who are still 
on that plane and have mortal bodies to connect them with it, 
for naturally they can only express through the material brain 
and body. Very seldom do spirits, still in mortal life, discern 
spirits in the real life. Solely when in the spiritual consciousness, 
attached or detached, do they see, at other times they merely 
see psychical representations of the spiritual which appear like 
unto the mortal forms, and representations of either mortal or 
spiritual life like unto the moving pictures of today. 

There are many psychically developed but very few spiritually 
unfolded enough to see or hear in the true spiritual consciousness. 
Hence all, more or less, given by the average medium is tinged 
with her material beliefs and the beliefs of the mortal minds 
present, which they, unconsciously, in perfect faith, devoid of 
desire to deceive, give as spiritual tests and truths. All of an 


114 


WHO AND WHAT AM J? 


undeveloped nature, all not pure, holy and righteous, is untrue. 
Only the good is real and true. 

John awoke and glanced at his tutors 'with questioning eyes. 
He remembered all the mortal life and nothing else. All that 
he recalled of the spirit life on earth was also shut off, so, won- 
deringly, admiringly, full of love and awe, he looked upon their 
beauty and majesty. 

“John, dear, you will soon remeber all, you are at home.” Clarice 
stroked his forehead tenderly. 

“Home, Oh, yes, the eternal home I used to dream about, I 
presume. This seems so beautiful, so different. But, Oh, Oh, 
my beloved ones,” yearningly and pathetically, “shall I never 
see them again? I cannot bear to leave them, I want them so, 
cannot I go back? Oh, please let me return, if but for a few 
moments. I want, I want them so.” 

John was feeling the only grief felt in spirit life, the grief of 
the newly awakened, who leave the best beloved on mortal plane, 
who, still unconscious of the truth, impress mediums on that 
plane, thus causing those only psychically developed to believe 
in sin and sorrow in the real life, as all religions teach, and as 
many claiming to be spiritualists, occultists, etc. claim. 

John importuned so pitifully that his tutors put him into the 
material consciousness. As he had no material brain, no vehicle 
of expression, he was only conscious in his real body and could 
not manifest in any way to those conscious in their mortal bodies. 
Unconscious on the spirit plane, he was led by his tutors to the 
large hall where his parents and a large number of friends and 
relatives were assembled for the funeral. For three days he had 
been unconscious on the spirit plane. During that time his 
family had his body taken home and prepared for burial. 

John, not conscious on the spirit plane, found himself back of 
his father and mother, sitting near the coffin wherein he lay. 
He cast merely a glance at his mortal form and centered all his 
attention on the bowed heads of his beloved parents. He spoke — 
they answered not. He caressed them — they heeded not. Sad- 
dened he approached Ella, heavily veiled and quivering with 
vainly repressed emotion. 

“Ella, love,” he murmured, — not a word in reply. He took 
her hands but they seemed to dissolve in his grasp. He could 
not raise them to his lips. “They neither see nor hear me,” he 
murmured, “and yet I am more substantial than they.” Hope- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


115 


fully he sought Roscoe and Tom, “They will know me,” he 
thought. He put his hand on Roscoe’s shoulder. He seemed, 
in a sense, to respond.. “Roscoe, brother.” he said caressingly. 

He saw Roscoe raise his face from his hands and Roscoe’s eyes 
looked into his with joy and exultation. He recognized him, 
he saw him distinctly: the quick and the dead, in truth the 
two living brothers gazed with breathless joy, “I am not dead, 
1 live, brother mine.” 

“I know, I know, thank Cod, thank God,” breathed Roscoe. 
Then spirit consciousness was submerged by the material and he 
dropped his face, still illumined, in his hands, quivering with 
mingled joy and pain: joy to know he had not lost his brother, 
pain that the dearly loved mortal form would soon be consigned 
in the tomb. 

Finding no-one else to recognize him and that Roscoe could 
not see him any more, he placed himself next to the minister at 
the head of his coffin, and listened to his own funeral service as 
do many spirits. He was pleased to see that his mortal body 
was not at all repulsive but good and wholesome looking with a 
look of peace and sanctity, that the peace of the spirit was in- 
delibly impressed on his face. At that thought, peace, he suddenly 
remembered all that he had known of the spirit life on earth, and 
peace, sweet peace was again restored to him, and he looked with 
renewed hope and love upon all assembled to pay their last 
tribute of love to him. 

After the services, ere the pall bearers approached, he saw 
Roscoe seek his mother and father. He saw their illumined 
faces. He heard their softly murmured prayers of gratitude. 
He saw Tom and William join them and listen with trembling 
lips, and he saw his mother go to Ella and whisper the gla^d 
tidings. Ella did not raise her veil but he saw her clasp her 
little hands together and bow her head more reverently. 

He followed them into the grounds and witnessed his body put 
into its last resting place, in the family plot in the extreme rear 
of the grounds. He stayed with them, following first one and 
then another until the shades of night fell and all retired to 
their rooms. When he awakened on the spirit side he was restored 
to complete memory and gladly welcomed the change, notwith- 
standing that he was never again to return to the dear old earth 
school. 


116 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


That night, after Ella was detached by sleep, he sought her. 
She was seated alone in a favorite arbor. 

“John,” she exclaimed joyfully, “how joyous to see you, to 
know you still live. Ah, how grateful I was when Roscoe told 
me he had seen you,” caressing him tenderly as he clasped her 
hands lovingly, and seated himself by her side. “It is so heavenly 
to know the truth, would to God I could remember there.” 

“Only a moment, dear, a moment in eternity, and we will ever 
see each other here.” 

“Even if I do marry William, knowing the truth, William also 
here, we can still have many moments of happiness.” 

“Yes, and I will be so occupied with my new vocations and 
duties that I will have no time to grieve over that which must 
be endured for our ultimate good.” 

William approached. He laughed merrily when he noted 
their absorption, 

“It is well yoii have no animal attraction for me here, Ella, 
that I know you are not my soul mate as I deem you on earth, 
or I might have the feeling we cal] jealousy there.” 

“One of the most insidious and fatal in its effects of all the 
ignoble animal qualities, I know. I felt it often there, William.” 
answered John. 

“I the same. But, thank God, none of those base feelings are 
real, that they are suggested for a purpose.” said William. 

“Yes, of course they are but phases of consciousness, but as 
all consciousness comes from the Father, how can anything so 
undeveloped, so unlike His love, come from Him?” asked Ella. 

“A question that perplexes many on earth but should not you, 
Ella. You must still be in the material consciousness.” smiled 
John. 

“I was just detached and possibly am a little. Of course I 
know that the earth life is more or less illusory, still that does 
not explain, because even illusions and delusions must be caused 
by God as He is the First Great Cause. We know He cannot 
cause anything unlike Himself, even an illusion, that in truth 
there are no illusions as we cognize them there, that this false 
state of consciousness is not the consciousness of God, but a 
phase ever in existence, not caused by Him as Divine Person, 
Embodied Being, but under His Divine laws, like them ever in 
existence, to develop His children.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


117 


“Yes, Ella, we as yet cannot solve many problems nor grasp, 
with our undeveloped spirit brains and minds, any more than we 
can with the material brain; but all the Celestial Angels know 
and understand, and this we know when entirely out of the 
mortal consciousness. I know and I shall try to help you now 
in seeing that which you ever know when fully yourself,” John 
said. “You know we often think we see and hear many things 
without any foundation, not caused by any being, but feelings 
caused by our little undeveloped entities in the aggregate. Thus, 
the angels, under Divine law, themselves not conscious or feeling 
aught caused by the different modes of grouping the entities, 
produce the various animal passions, entirely distinct and apart 
from the consciousness that comes from God, the sole real con- 
sciousness in existence. We, with the consciousness received 
from the Father, are not conscious of them here when apart from 
the mortal brain and body. Thus, as all appertaining to the 
animal nature of earth is in truth not the consciousness of the 
spirit child, but feelings transmitted from the animal brain to 
where individual consciousness is located, when we are detached 
we cannot understand as we only receive the transmitted feelings 
when attached to the mortal form. The feelings of the entities, 
you see, are transmitted to the spirit in control of the mortal 
form. The feelings caused by the expression of the soul gifts 
through the entities in the cerebrum, with which he is directly 
connected, are transmitted ere he becomes conscious of them, in 
a similar manner. The consciousness of the entities is not the 
consciousness of the spirit. The consciousness of the spirit is not 
the consciousness of God. The mortal plane is the most unde- 
veloped plane in existence, the sole plane where life is developed 
through that cognized as evil, in truth undeveloped conditions, 
to become able to express in spirit life the soul gifts of love, 
wisdom, power, etc. Thus every entity on the upward march 
evolves from low to high, when detached by sleep or trance^ 
expressing ever and always more perfectly the spiritual qualities, 
becoming more and more in tune with the Infinite; on mortal 
plane, little by little developing the attributes without which the 
qualities could not be expressed. Were not every spirit trained 
in industry, application, concentration, determination, courage, 
loyalty, forbearance, patience, submission, and other qualities, 
no spirit could advance. The severe conditions of earth life are 
essential or they would not exist. We here know it to be but a 


118 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


kinder-garten where the spirit acquires neither wisdom nor knowl- 
edge, for all is impressed from this side, but where he learns, not 
to subjugate or conquer, as deemed on that plane, the animal 
propensities, but, as many know, correctly impressed, to develop 
the attributes necessary for each individual case, impressed in- 
delibly on the real brain through sin and suffering, or otherwise, 
for all who sin do not suffer and all who suffer do not sin. A 
babe, stillborn, does not suffer at all, is never conscious on 
mortal plane, but the entities selected to form its brain reproduce 
as many as are essential to vitalize the organs of the next higher 
form in which they will be used. Their first experience in the 
vital organs of the babe stillborn succeeded by experiences in 
another. The babe, with no experiences to undergo, is never 
conscious on earth, is brought forth on spirit plane conscious, after 
all entities are developed in the mother’s vital frame and mortal 
body, prior to birth. So you see, the mortal bodies are very 
different from the real ones and must be developed under different 
conditions. 

‘‘Every entity in the brain and vital organs of the real body 
never change nor leave their permanent abiding place. All have 
been developed through lower forms on both planes. The en- 
tities of the mortal human body used in a higher one, or more 
developed vehicle; hence the reincarnation of mortal bodies has 
led many to believe in the reincarnation of soul or spirit, which 
you know is not true.” 

“Certainly not. A great difference and yet almost impossible 
to understand there.” 

“Theiie brains are not ready to transmit that which, in time, 
school children will as here.” answered John. 

“And yet they realize that brains make the difference between 
the different races.” said Ella. 

“Yes, they grasp that brains make the difference between races 
and individuals, but are not yet ready to understand that the soul 
or spirit is not responsible for the formation of his brain prior to 
birth nor for the material conditions of environment, education, 
training, association, etc. until impressed correctly from here, 
to himself, seemingly, although really under guidance, better his 
conditions or vice versa.” 

‘They do not know that although he exercises free will he can 
only express according to the brain and mind formed under the 
environment he was brought forth in, the education and associa- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


119 


tion of his early years with which he has nothing to do. Fortu- 
nately for many on earth, who lead long lives, the child up to 
the fifteenth year forms but little mind, therefore, when taken 
in early life, or before he forms mind, to superior conditions, is 
saved needless misery, but as all are governed on this side all get 
that which is necessary.” 

“John, if I really were the creature I appear in mortal life, 
I would be ashamed if I could feel shame,” laughing, “to look 
you in the face.” Ella nestled closer. John caressed her lovingly, 

“No, darling, you know no better there.” 

“And I know, although I had precept hammered into me daily 
by my parents, that these precepts had no meaning at all for 
me. I think so differently there.” said Ella. 

“That is the truth, you think so differently. Although you 
had almost the same education and environment as I, your 
material brain was formed differently, to make you through free 
will form a different kind of mind, not formed by the actual 
experiences of mortal life but by the manner in which these 
experiences were transmitted to you, through a brain formed to 
transmit to you very differently from that which mine transmitted 
to me. Darling, when mortals get into this truth there will be 
more love and tolerance expressed.” said John. 

“Of course, they will know it is foolish to expect an imbecile, 
a fool, a degenerate, a criminal born, or the mentally afflicted, 
to express themselves correctly, to act rationally or rightly.” 

“Thus comprehending that these unfortunates cannot, through 
physical causes, express themselves correctly, although they 
sometimes develop brains to comprehend that physical causes, 
material limitations, are responsible for all the ills with which 
humanity is afflicted, and the spirits not at all.” 

“Certainly, but we know the real spiritual not the physical 
cause, that under law every entity is impressed here to cause the 
physical disturbance, the necessary suffering.” 

“Thus knowing that which all will know in time, on both planes, 
whether able to express on mortal or not, and comprehending, 
“Forgive them. Father, for they know not what they do.” 

“And, ‘Judge not that ye be not judged.’ ” 


120 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XIV. 

Mortal Lifk 

Ella sat beside William’s couch awaiting his end. They had 
been married several years and had become devoted friends, 
therefore, with great grief and pity, sat she by his side. No one 
else was in the great chamber. The nurse withdrew for a few 
minutes; the Colonel also, to take a much needed rest, completely 
exhausted after nights of vigil by his son’s bedside. 

The dying man, propped up with pillows, a shadow of his former 
self, wasted by consumption to a skeleton, put forth a weak, 
trembling hand which was clasped tenderly by Ella. His deep, 
sunken eyes glowed with love as he murmured, 

“My time draws near. Beloved, I’ll soon be with our dear ones. 
How thankful I am to your father and Roscoe that they have 
robbed death of all its horrors, so that I can go with peace and 
courage instead of fear and anguish.” 

“Yes, yes, dear William, you will soon know all and be with 
John and all the rest.” replied Ella in quivering tones, eyes 
suffused with tears. 

“Especially grateful I am, knowing as I have for some time that 
which I think you do not know here, that you will be with John 
and not with me when you go home.” William patted her cheek 
tenderly. 

“Why, William,” EMa lifted eyes full of wonder, “how do you 
know? Sometimes it seems to me in dreams I feel something 
connecting me with John.” 

“And you know you love him, Ella, we all have known it for 
many years. I could not be jealous of John, I love him too 
much, but, dear, it has weakened my desire for mortal life and 
strengthened my faith in my life immortal, so all is well. I 
feel you could not change if you willed, so I cannot blame you in 
the least only love you more tenderly for being so loving and 
patient with me.” 

“William, beloved husband, I have loved and love you deeply. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


121 


Although it is true John seems to be a part of myself, I cannot 
explain, I only feel we are bound in some mysterious way, but. 
Oh,” sobbing softly, “I do want you so to stay with me, William, 
I cannot bear to part with you.” 

“Dearest, I know now very much of the other life. I know 
that there we love each other as here but that there is a greater 
love in store for us. So, while I grieve to leave you I feel that 
we will never really be separated, as I have seen John several 
times. I may come to you here, at least I hope so.” 

The Colonel entered, still erect and stately, but careworn and 
furrowed in face. His idol was about to be taken. Nothing 
could allay his grief. He had advanced but little in occultism 
and, although he knew some truths, had no spiritual gift and 
dreaded to look forward to the long years without his boy. 

William dropped Ella’s hand and, with a bright, welcoming 
smile for his adored father, extended both his skinny hands. 
The Colonel took them gently and with intense love and yearning 
returned his son’s look. 

“Father, dear, I want you to know I am not going away. I 
will be here, though the remains — how little there is left of your 
boy, only skin and bones — ^will be bereft of mortal life. I, in 
another form, not skin and bones, will be with you. You know 
that. Father, so do not grieve over me but rejoice with me that 
mortal life’s pains and sorrows will end, and I will emerge more 
full of life and beauty than the butterfly from its ugly casket, 
and, and. I’ll be with Mother, dear Mother, so patiently waiting 
for my release.” 

“The only thing that consoles me, my beloved son, is that you 
know these things, that they are real to you. Possibly I may 
be blessed the same for. Oh, God,” chokingly, “that alone can 
comfort me, nothing else can or will, I must myself know.” 

“Then seek and ye shall find. Father mine.” 

The Colonel flushed. Not yet had he abandoned entirely his 
belief in reincarnation of Theosophy. The words of Christ, 
with a new meaning, stirred his soul, 

“I will seek devoutly and humbly,” he murmured. 

After William was interred, with the simple service he desired, 
the father sought his study to be alone with his soul, to seek if 
possible in some way to obtain greater clarity of vision, if not 
actual knowledge. 

“Light, light. Oh, God, light, light, I pray Thee.” 


122 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


For the first time since a boy God was inportuned by the 
advanced thinker; one, who heretofore, although beneficent, 
loving, merciful, could not even think of an Omnipotent Personal 
Being, yea, truly, could not even think of God. But now, in his 
deep anguish, no deeper than when his beloved wife was taken, 
the veil was not drawn, the scales were not lifted, but the brain, 
within the spirit brain, for the first time received the correct 
impression of God, the Father, and thus, not in answer to his 
prayer for light. Ah, how many have prayed and prayed in vain, 
but because he was to be one of the few to receive it, he felt 
his whole being vibrate and his mind became open, receptive, to 
the truth of Life and Love Eternal, of, not solely life, 
but love eternal. Thus, baptized with the waters of love from 
the Source of Love Eternal, he knew, with the certainty of Soul 
knowledge, that his son, as his son, no descending into matter 
ego, lived the life eternal. 

“Blind, besotted fool, not to know that without the real son 
and wife, the real love for them, (love for them as individuals,) 
could not exist. The greater the expression of love for the in- 
dividual, the greater the universal, one cannot exist without the 
other. There could be no universal love were there none for 
our own — those given to us by Omnipotence, entrusted to us 
especially. No, no ego, no high and mighty adepts, do I long, 
do I yearn for, I want my boy; I want, I want my wife, and. 
Oh, I thank Thee, Father, that at last I have light and truth.” 

He lifted his head suddenly as though impelled to, and with 
wondering, startled eyes he saw, (not forming before him, for 
true spiritual body ever formed does not form, only the material 
and etherial on mortal plane), with spirit sight opened, he saw 
his beloved wife and son, with radiant faces and love-filled eyes. 
He distinctly heard his wife’s voice, so long unheard, so ardently 
longed for, 

“Beloved, at last you see and know. We live as ever. We 
do not lose personality by reincarnating.” He heard his son’s 
voice, vibrating wfth sympathy and love, “Seek and ye shall 
find. Father mine.” 

No more, just a glimpse of Heaven, and darkness shut off his 
spirit sight, again overshadowed. But not his soul. Deep 
within its hidden recesses he knew the truth. Never again would 
skepticism, doubt nor incredulity assail him. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


123 


‘‘Oh, what Nirvana can equal this; what union with the 
Absolute bring me such joy and peace. I dreamed of its joy 
and peace before I lost my wife, before I lost my son, before I 
lost my father and mother, as persons and individuals, but ever 
since, within my soul, I have known no universal love could ever 
bring me joy and peace, that, were they wiped out as personalities, 
1 could indeed pray to lose individuality and attain to the Nirvana 
state of complete absorption and indifference. Not otherwise. 
Far more beautiful, soul satisfying, the Doctrine of Love which 
teaches that love can never become extinct but is the most potent 
emotion in existence; that the greater the influx of love for 
individual, parent, wife, child, friend, the greater the expression 
of love for all. Not by denying or renouncing love — superior 
to all, can we attain to Heaven — superior to Nirvana, but by 
expressing it in all ways to all forms of life according to their 
plane of development and receptivity and ours of development 
and expression. I cannot love a pollywog as I can a bird; I 
cannot love a bird as I can a dog or a horse; I cannot love a 
dog or horse as I can a human child; I cannot love the average 
child as I can my own, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. 
Therefore, there are various expressions of love and, although 
the pollywog in time will change into a higher form, the love for 
the pollywog is not as great as that for the higher forms; nor the 
love for the higher forms, unless more worthy in various cases, 
as great as the parent love derived from God, or the love for our 
own bound to us by ties of consanguinity and congeniality.” 

Thus reflecting and pondering over the past, he sat for many 
hours. Finally he arose and took a long-unused Bible from a 
nearby stand. He turned to the Lord’s Sermon on the Mount 
and read thoughtfully for some moments, then again broke into 
soliloquy, 

“Blessed Messenger of Love. How ever could I have inter- 
preted differently. How clear and loving your message: ‘Blessed 
are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the 
merciful. Love your enemies.’ — how many who profess to 
follow Him, do that?” 

“Ah, Divine Messenger, Thou didst never consign any of Thy 
creatures to hell, nay, but the physical body to the grave. How 
could I ever think that Guatama was higher, with his deeply 
complex, abstruse philosophy, a philosophy so complex, so full 
of the numberless conflicting impressions of countless psychics. 


124 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


as to deserve the opinion of the materially erudite not spiritually 
unfolded: that all can find in it that which they consider truth, 
proving to the real thinker that although Truth is received and 
expressed differently, a fraction or a half truth, if true, can 
never conflict with truth of any kind. It is only the incorrectly 
received, or expressed, that conflicts; never the Truth. Therefore 
a religion or philosophy filled with contradictions and incon- 
sistencies, such as Theosophy and the Christian religions, as 
interpreted by those who compiled and revised this holy book, 
a material contradiction for many spiritual statements, proves, 
without doubt, that the material contradiction, all, of the material 
nature, was not received correctly or was not from the spirit at 
all. Therefore I shall seek and find the spiritual.” 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


125 


CHAPTER XV. 

Mortal Lii'i; 

Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke were in their room. Mr. Roanoke 
lying on the bed in painful thought. Mrs. Roanoke, pretending 
to sew, sat near him. Hearing him sigh heavily she said tenderly, 

“Dear, I feel there is no hope for our poor boy. We have 
done all that we could. We can do no more. We must leave 
him in God’s hands.” 

“In God’s hands! How many leave their beloved to His 
tender mercy to see them sacrificed as ruthlessly as were the 
lambs sacrificed on holy alters and the martyrs to the fire, to the 
dungeon, to the wild beasts. His tender mercy — Oh, wife, I am 
sick of that. I cannot believe in such a God.” bitterly responded 
her husband, not daring to look at her. 

“Why, Randolph, you know the truth,” she dropped her sewing 
with consternation, “you who have proved to me, the skeptic, 
that this life is transitory and not the true life, and now you 
blaspheme, you arraign the loving Father. Oh, anything but 
that, anything but that.” 

“I can be a hypocrite no longer. I have professed religion 
for many years. Although I could not grasp Christ as Divine, 
I believed in an Omnipotent Power, God All-Good. Now, 
although I know we live and do not die, I have my doubts about 
a God, All-Good, or Omnipotent Love and Wisdom. It seems 
to me God is not All-Good if Omnipotent or He would not 
persecute those who believe in Him, as He did Christ and all 
who truly follow the spiritual life. Look, think of all you have 
read of and personally know. The good have ever been sacrificed, 
the strong prey upon the weak from the time that man first began 
to think, the good, all history proves, have ever been sacrificed. 
Think of Christ, The Apostles, the martyrs, crucified, persecuted, 
burned. Think of the really devout among all races and classes, 
during all epochs, the prey and victims of the powerful and the 
cruel. No, wife, shake not your head. Think of all your friends 


126 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


and neighbors who have lead and lead righteous lives. Are 
they not ever treated like dogs because they turn the other 
cheek, besides having afflictions of all kinds to contend with. If 
God is just, if loving, why does He not punish those who deserve 
it? Look at our own troubles. We were cast out because I 
dared to marry one socially my inferior. All my family have 
prospered, are wealthy and high placed, while I, who have 
wronged not one being, am in a subordinate position, have lost 
one idolized son and now see another going to the dogs, power- 
less to help with prayers and petitions or in any way. God, if 
good, is not Omnipotent. And yet there are fools who teach: 
“Seek the kingdom of righteousness and all good gifts shall be 
added thereunto. Bah!” 

“Oh, Randolph, Randolph, what a material interpretation you 
put on these holy words. God grant few will be permitted to 
so distort their holy meaning. Think you earthly fame, wealth, 
glory, are superior to the true spiritual gifts of correct spriritual 
insight, of love, compassion, charity, self-abnegation, service, 
the good gifts really worth striving for, not the material ones. 
And how do we acquire these good gifts? Not by leading use- 
less lives of self-indulgence, free from care, immune to sin and 
suffering, but through undergoing all, no matter how severe, with 
faith that He Who numbers every hair, every tear, every heart- 
throb, knows that which is best for us all. Although inscrutable 
and inexplicable are His ways, I can only love and revere, 
feeling intuitively that all is well no matter how we suffer here.” 
almost sobbed the heart-broken wife and mother. 

“You are a true Christian and yet you suffer. You have not 
the peace that passeth understanding.” 

“Again, Randolph, how often this beautiful saying is not under- 
stood. Although I have the peace that passeth understanding 
regarding our spirit loved-ones and spirit life, I cannot be in 
peace while my beloved ones here suffer or do wrong. No mother, 
no-one who truly loves another can be in peace when seeing 
others suffering or sinning, especially the child brought forth in 
suffering and anguish. Those mothers who proudly give up or 
send their sons to die for patriotism, who value the soil upon 
which they chance to be brought forth more than the child 
entrusted to them by God, I fail to understand, as I do the 
mother who placidly clasps her hands when her young go astray, 
and say it is God’s will. Neither know the true mother love 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


127 


or they would know that loyalty to God, Good, is superior to 
loyalty to one’s country, and that God wills no-one to do wrong. 
His will is ever the will of righteousness and love.” 

“Well, if you think it right for God to take John and make a 
drunkard of Tom, I cannot.” 

“Randolph, I am not learned in religion. It is too deep for 
me. I do not know why we are here but often, often, I think 
of what John said about the beautiful world, where only love 
reigned and that the dear, loving Father was all love. So, though 
I cannot explain, I believe in Him in Whom my saint-like boy 
had such faith.” 

A tottering footstep in the hall, a heavy fall arrested their 
attention. They sprang to the door to see Tom lying in a shape- 
less heap upon the floor, blood oozing from his nostrils and mouth. 
Within a moment the parents called for help and soon placed 
their unfortunate boy, victim not of drink but of the taint in his 
blood that caused the insatiable appetite, upon the bed. The 
mother, after he had been attended to by the doctor and nurse, 
sat by his side, hands clasped in prayer. The doctor, after a 
thorough examination, said that the heart was very weak, 
that he might go at any moment or linger for some days. 

Mr. Roanoke fled from the room, after an agonized look at 
his wife, to send Lilian to her mother. Ella, who was also in 
the house, entered with her cousin Lilian. Both approached the 
bed and knelt in prayer ere looking at Tom. The mother ex- 
tended a hand to each, as they arose with faces, though heart- 
wrung in expression, calm and tranquil. 

“Our poor boy will soon join his brother,” she said quietly, 
“I feel that it is better so. The loving Father knows best.” 

Ella, in sombre mourning for William, sighed as she replied 
sadly, 

“Only going Home, as John used to say. Auntie.” 

Lilian sobbed gently as she stroked Tom’s white face, and 
murmured, “My brother, my brother.” Mr. Roanoke entered 
and sat down beside his wife, looking yearningly upon the son 
whom, of late years, he had, following John’s parting injunction, 
treated with the greatest pity and consideration, 

“My winsome boy,” he thought, “so lovable, so loyal, so bright, 
so strong, and yet so weak, now, now, cut down in your prime, 
victim to the millions of demons clamoring at vitals for that 


128 


WHO AND WHAT AM. I? 


alone which can appease their thirst. Oh God, if there be a God, 
grant that my boy is really free at last.” 

Roscoe opened the door. Roscoe, the consolation and pride 
of his father’s declining years: stalwart, handsome, gracious, 
kindly, worthy of respect and confidence, with face blanched by 
extreme emotion he looked at no one but Tom. 

“Tom, Tom,” — obvious of all, he cried, sinking on his knees, 
“Oh, brother, how hard we fought, you especially, no-one more 
gallantly as I know, but it was not to be. It is as John says. 
But thank God, you will not die but will live and be happy.” 

Roscoe’s tones reached Tom. He opened his eyes and glanced 
from one to the other ere he realized the truth. Then the blood 
suffused his face, his eyes brightened, 

“Oh, mother,” he cried like a little child, “are you not glad 
I will be free at last? I am so thankful, I am glad to go.” 

The mother raised him in her arms while her tears fell, “So 
glad, so glad. Tommy, baby boy,” she cooed, “going to John 
and we will all join you before very long, mother’s boy, mother’s 
boy.” 

Upon the faithful mother’s breast, with all sobbing quietly 
not to disturb him, Tom’s spirit drifted off gently into uncon- 
sciousness, as peaceful his death as had been his brother’s. The 
mother in a swoon, was carried from the room, the father and 
girls going with her. Roscoe alone remained with his brother. 

“Oh, Tom, now you know the truth. You know, as I know, as 
John did, that your life was mapped out ere you were born, 
ere you could think or reason. You are free at last. You who 
were but a slave, seemingly, to an inherited appetite, made a 
harder struggle, a nobler fight than your chum who was cured 
by religion. Though you fell and he conquered, he did not 
make the desperate efforts that you made. You are thought to 
be a weakling, he a hero. Ah, dear brother, the angels know the 
truth, and I knew how really strong and brave you were. Oh, 
my brother, my brother.” 

This was the truth. Tom received all that was necessary 
for him through violating law. He could not, under 
Divine law or the law of the spirit world, change that 
which had to be. His chum, a more loathesome, degraded 
drunkard than he had ever been, was born with an iron constitu- 
tion, strong enough to resist and conquer extreme dissipation 
while material conditions of environment were changed; he was 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


129 


placed in an institution, under surveillance, where he could get 
no liquor and provided with all that was necessary to make him 
strong enough to reform when subjected to religious instruction. 
Ihus, one ordained to fall, one to conquer, both under law. 

This by no means implies that one is a puppet in the hands 
of relentless Fate or Destiny. It simply means that all are 
under law and, under law, exercising will and effort, or vice 
versa, may or may not change conditions. All are instruments 
to fulfill on mortal plane Divine law, even though compelled to 
violate mortal law, on mortal plane, in so doing. “I come not 
to upset but to fulfill law.” said the Lord. “The things I 
would do, those things I do not; the things I would not do, 
these things I do, whereby I discern a law.” said St. Paul. 

The Lord seemingly upset mortal law when He performed His 
miracles. In reality He did not upset mortal law, he fulfilled 
Divine Law. Under Divine law He performed them, hence ful- 
filled Divine law. St. Paul recognized the law of sin for the 
mortal plane, or rather the law of that called sin, in truth the 
all-potent, compelling impressions which force one, against will 
and judgment, to perform certain acts. St. Paul knew that all 
who sin are governed by this law, the impressions so potent that 
they cannot be resisted, while those who conquer receive more 
potent impressions enabling them to resist. All have the power 
when in harmony to conquer one and all diseases and appetite, 
until detached for good by death. But as all organisms are 
governed on spirit side, no brain can be kept in harmony when 
it interferes with law. 

This explains why it is impossible for the most perfect healer, 
or learned physician to heal or cure those not to be cured. Many 
try every system of healing and remain incurables. Many are 
healed without any system, by the power within. Many are 
seemingly cured and succumb, after having been cured by physi- 
cian or healer, when they are ready to go Home. The various 
systems are of use to cure and seemingly prolong the lives of those 
ordained to stay, but powerless before Omnipotence when they 
are to go. 


130 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XVI. 

Spirit Eipe 

The spirit home, the home of love and beauty, of the Roanoke 
family, was thrown open to receive all relatives and friends 
desirous of meeting Tom after his detachment. The reception 
was held in the early morning hours of earth life to enable the 
attached ones to be present also, as is done when conditions will 
permit. Although all spirits, attached and detached, mingle with 
and see each other when the attached are detached by sleep or 
trance, all are ever eager to see their dear ones liberated from 
the earthbound condition, to joy with them upon their emancipa- 
tion. Hence these receptions are ever very largely attended, 
often, not solely hundreds but thousands come from near and 
far, from various sections of our spirit world as well as from 
other ones. 

It was about two in the morning, the third day after Tom’s 
demise on mortal plane. All his nearest and dearest had attended 
his funeral on earth. All now in spirit life were assembled to 
meet him. The earth classrooms, halls, reception rooms, on 
spirit side, occupying the same area, the mortal within the spirit, 
could not be enlarged, but the great porches were enlarged to 
accommodate a vast number. All walls were raised to form one 
immense, magnificent salon, such a salon as never can be dupli- 
cated on mortal plane, for spiritual art is so superior to the poorly 
expressed mortal art as to merit no comparison. 

The ceilings, decorations, furniture, etc. were superior in 
grandeur and magnificence to the most sumptuous of earth’s royal 
and financial potentates. All, for this occasion, in white: snowy, 
spotless white, with floral decorations of various harmonizing hues 
and exquisite texture. The porches were alluring with floral 
beauty. A carpet of roses covered all floors: immortal flowers 
that the most heavy step could not crush or demolish. The 
f^rounds of all the surrounding homes and the Roanokes, were 
illuminated by the great spirit worlds above, and numberless 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


131 


lights of radium and electricity, sparkling on turrets, pagodas 
and boulevards, enabling all to see as distinctly as day. 

A wealth of verdure and floral combinations encircled and 
decorated all buildings, lakelets and ponds. Earth’s choicest, 
the spirit world’s most beautiful, were massed in harmonious 
blendings or solitary splendor, exquisite beyond brush to portray 
or words to describe. If the vocabulary of earth cannot do 
justice to the glory and beauty of earth, why attempt to describe 
that which transcends the greatest glory and beauty ever imagined 
there. 

All were assembled in the center of the hall and wherever they 
could get a good view, awaiting Tom’s entrance. A space in 
the center of the salon was reserved for the family. Not as on 
earth were they awaiting to receive guests, but here, the opposite, 
for the entrance, ever imposing and beautiful, is esteemed the 
especial feature of such liberations. Music: sweet, soft, thrilling, 
arose in the grounds; music of softer cadences followed on the 
porch; music incomparably soft and soul-inspiring resounded 
throughout the room, house, porch and grounds. A hush, a deep 
silence, and the heavy doors, connecting the great hall with the 
Celestial Angels’ apartments, swung noiselessly open and Tom’s 
Celestial Tutors, with him in the center, slowly, impressively 
entered. Two magnificent men with Godlike face and mien, 
each holding a hand of the boy whom they had instructed on 
spirit side and governed, under law not as they willed, on earth. 

Who, looking in their loving eyes, beauteous faces, could 
imagine that they could or would cause one pang to the boy 
they had, of their own volition, selected to instruct. Ah, no, 
though every impression comes from the spirit plane, the im- 
pressions to do wrong, that the weak cannot control, are com- 
pulsory under law, more essential than the surgeon’s knife or the 
dental forceps on earth. No one, excepting the loving Father, 
rejoiced more over Tom’s freedom than the two who had been 
compelled, under law, to cause him necessary suffering only to 
be obtained in this manner, adjudged necessary prior to birth. 

Can this be Tom, the bloated, white face last seen on earth, 
the disfigured physique? Yes, it is Tom, the real Tom, the 
radiant happy spirit Tom, free from earth’s sins and thralldom, 
awake forever and aye to the truth, the blessed truth that in 
reality he had never lived on earth, simply impressed a poor 
defective instrument. Glorious and beautiful, like unto a young 


132 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


god, between his Celestial brethren, he marched slowly to the 
center of the room. He was followed by Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke 
and all the family, all radiant and beautiful, in glistening white 
attire. 

Tom’s tutors, gently pulling him by the hand, sank in prayerful 
attitude upon a prie dieu, all the family and friends likewise 
following suit, offering up thanks for his deliverance from sin 
and suffering. Shortly they all arose and one of his tutors, in 
a deep musical voice audible to all within and without, spoke: 

“This is a most joyful occasion, brothers and sisters, to us all, 
especially to those who have been most intimately connected 
with our young brother upon both planes. Every liberation from 
the earth gives the pleasure, excelled by few, that one more is 
free to follow his own will, the will of a child of God, and not 
the enforced will of a being entirely unlike him in all respects. 
We joy when the mortal discipline conflicts little with the spirit 
life in those who are there called the righteous, when they are 
free from mental and physical suffering, but. Ah, how much more 
we joy when one, like Tom, is relieved from a life and habits, 
powerless to control with the poor brain and mind for that plane. 
How gladly we would have called him home before were it best 
for him, but he had to undergo all that was necessary or be 
handicapped throughout Eternity. Tom, beloved brother, the 
veil is lifted, the defective instrument cast aside, and now, free 
at last, you are enabled to go forth a liberated child of thy 
Father, to advance perpetually, as all do, until ready to join 
your Father in the Celestial kingdom, the real abiding place of 
all. Although we give up our labor of love in your behalf, and 
must leave you, through will and effort, to advance either slowly 
or rapidly, as you select, we will ever direct and impress you as 
much as we can. Never will you until on our plane, be entirely 
free from us, beloved boy; ere we leave for the Celestial kingdom, 
know that, in truth, in spirit, although not in body, we are never 
apart.” 

With embraces and blessings the Angels bade Tom, and all 
surrounding him, farewell. All eyes followed them as they saw 
the magnificent flowing robes change into the floating or flying 
garb, as they from the porch slowly ascended and joined a vast 
concourse of angels on their flight to the Celestial kingdom. 
Veritable Celestial chimes arose from their myriad of throats as 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


133 


they flew above for several minutes, then, waving benedictions, 
swiftly floated away. 

Merry throngs surrounded Tom, his sisters and brothers, a 
happy reunited family. John and Jim, the gayest, most jubilant, 
seized him, after many had congratulated him, and bore him 
out into the grounds. Then a scene of enchantment broke on 
their view. Upon every tree, shrub and flower, insects of ex- 
quisite luminosity and radiance formed pictures of scintillating 
beauty. Snowy domestic animals, of all species, ran about the 
grounds or sported on pond and lake. Flying vehicles with 
superb horses, equipages made for both air and water travel, 
arose from various parts of the grounds. Refreshments of de- 
licious flavors, delicacies, substantial edibles, borne by automata, 
were served in the open. In fact, as stated repeatedly before, 
the spirit life is a natural life, on a greater, grander scale; all 
spirits are but advanced men and women and therefore enjoy 
the pleasures of taste even more than on earth. 

Tom found himself in the center of a group on a floral bank 
of the lake. 

“What a beautiful world, what a glorious life. Ah, I am so 
glad to be free, John. I have not one regret. Life there had 
become intolerable.” John smiled sympathetically, while Lilian 
replied, 

“Yes, dear Tom, but soon mama, papa, Roscoe, Ella and I 
will be sorrowing over you, forgetting not remembering this 
happiness, but we will not think of it now. Doesn’t the lake, 
bestrewn with flowers and foliage, look beautiful? Look at those 
flowers, I must get some.” 

In her star-bespangled, glistening white robe, she stepped on 
the lake, walked on it as though it were solid — as it is for all 
spirits, and although her gown trailed in the water it did not 
get wet or spoiled for it was made of woven glass, impervious to 
water. She plucked some white and pink roses, thrust them in 
her belt just like an earth girl, and then, going to Tom, put a 
tiny one in his vest, saying, 

“Tom, Tom dear, I love you, I love you here, but. Oh, I love 
the dear old mortal Tom too.” 

William, who was seated between John and Ella, answered 
rather gravely, 

“Of course, we never forget, but how thankful I am that life 
is so transitory, I would not return if I could.” 


134 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“No wonder,” laughed Ella glancing meaningly at the beautiful 
one on his other side, “you have found your soul attraction.” 

The maiden, also a lately detached girl, blushed vividly, feeling 
the same emotion that she would have felt on earth. She had 
not been long enough detached to eliminate self consciousness. 

“I move,” cried John, “that we all take one of the large flying 
machines and — ” 

“I move that we take that magnificent one with the four white 
horses.” cried Roscoe. 

“Yes, yes, the white horses.” answered one and all in unison. 

All, about twenty, brothers, sisters and cousins, arm in arm, 
approached the designated equipage. In spirit spheres where 
all are brothers and sisters, the ties of consanguinity known to 
be no different from the ties binding all, propinquity, the ties of 
environment, education, association, etc., unite more potently 
those more closely allied on the planes. Hence the love felt for 
their immediate family is greater among the majority as on earth. 
No love is ever lost or ceases to exist. The mother love for her 
child on the two planes is a soul gift, as is all love, and although 
fully cognizant of how the bodies of her children are formed, 
she loves them as her own throughout all spheres as do all who 
are brought forth and bound together by not solely soul but 
physical attraction. 

Within a trice all were seated in a sumptuous coach and the 
four snowy quadrupeds, their magnificent manes and tails grace- 
fully waving, with a dash, sprang into the air and struck out 
for an aerial road without the slightest obstacle or impediment 
to mar their perfect ease of motion. 

“This is more delightful than any land driving — the first IVe 
experienced.” cried William’s sweetheart, eyes glowing with 
pleasure. 

“Were I on the earth I’d say, as I have many times there,” 
said William, “without the absence of danger the element that 
gives spice to all sport there, this might be deemed tame, but, 
oh, how ridiculous, what can be more gloriously exhilarating, 
more nerve and blood tingling, than this: to have all within us 
so in unison as to enjoy with a power unknown there.” 

“Especially as the sole part of us there that takes pleasure in 
all undeveloped conditions, is not at all of us but merely a few 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


US 


undeveloped little organisms clamoring to make themselves felt 
in an unpleasant way, rushing blood to the head to becloud 
judgment,” John laughed. 

“No wonder I could never think or act rationally with mine 
full of little hot entities, stimulated by alcohol to control me.” 
Tom answered. 

“Yes, but we know what stimulated the alcohol.” 

Flying through the air, the dream of ages on earth, is in spirit 
spheres immeasureably more enjoyable than on earth. As no 
such thing as fatigue is known, all spirits and animals are ever 
fresh and tireless and actually enjoy every moment of life. 

After a few moments devoted to flying they returned to a large 
open pavillion where many were dancing. The floor was of 
crystal, the pillars encircling it wreathed with vines and flowers, 
the men and women radiantly beautiful, perfectly flawless, of 
diversified types, attired in countless different styles — each per- 
fect of its kind. Some were very etherially clad, exposing the ex- 
quisite contour of figure; others in rich, lustrous silks, velvets 
and satins, bespangled with natural or artificial flowers or jewels. 
The exquisite poetry of motion common to all, the perfect sym- 
metry of form, the extreme grace and beauty of the dances, made 
Tom exclaim, 

“Oh, how beautiful,” as he seized Lilian by the arm and whirled 
her away. Ella found John’s arm encircling her and, following 
Tom’s lead, they whirled after with all the abandon of the most 
thoughtless on earth. Dancing, abused on earth by many, mis- 
interpreted by the animal passions accompanying it, in spirit 
life is much enjoyed and is known to be what it really is: a form 
of amusement and exercise to give pleasure to both body and 
mind. All are pure in spirit life. “To the pure all things are 
pure.” with perfect safety there, but, alas, not on the mortal 
plane where the impure predominates, nothing but the purest, 
holiest emotions are called forth by its motion and the propinquity 
of the forms. Exposure of forms, perfect nudity, the most per- 
fect, flawless productions of the loving Father, causes neither 
surprise nor condemnation. The higher the civilization the more 
delicate the sensibilities. Hence, as the spirit life is much more 
highly civilized than the mortal, that which the mortal, in its 
false conception of modesty, condemns, the spirit life, on appro- 
priate occasions, admires; but as spirits all have perfect taste, 
that which is admired in the open or on the seashore, is not in 


136 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


the drawingroom or salon, hence, very rarely does spirit expose 
unduly form in the latter, although, when it is done, as all are 
pure, it elicits no disparaging comment. Many a truly innocent 
one on earth exposes form, many a prude condemns an innocent 
girl or boy who does not dream of the animal nature that judges 
them nor of the passion not yet known to them. Therefore, 
while here and there a beautiful form was revealed in all simplicity, 
it was not condemned any more than were it exposed upon the 
seashore or in the wilds, where often many go on expeditions 
scantily attired in flowers and vines. 

After the dance, knowing that the detached ones would soon 
have to abandon them and be returned to the mortal school, all 
agreed to go to a neighboring village situated on the peak of the 
nearby hills. Swiftly changing to floating garb, they, in pairs, 
each with the most beloved, ascended to the height desired and, 
with as great celerity as the horses, flew across the country 
warbling and singing with joy as they flew. Entrancingly lovely 
all looked, even more so than when dancing or engaged in any 
other form of exercise or amusement, for there is a beauty-giving 
tonic in the air at a certain altitude not possessed by the lower 
stratas, which renders the eyes and skin exquisitely brilliant and 
beautiful, while the swiftly undulating motion is even more 
graceful than that produced by any other form of bodily exercise. 
“Love looked love into eyes that spoke again.” Oh, but a very 
different kind of love from its spurious counterpart — the average 
mortal love, infinitely superior, devoid of all animalism, yet so 
great, so alluring, as to make physical attraction seem insignificant 
in comparison. 

A unique village arrested them, a village of spun glass, every 
edifice and bridge, connecting peaks, of crystal of various colors, 
crystal embellished with countless electric lights. 

“It sparkles like a great jewel, it is indeed beautiful.” all 
exclaimed. 

They alighted on a fairylike bridge and walked swiftly over it 
until they came to an auditorium on one of the peaks, where 
many people had congregated to partake of a sumptuous banquet 
given in honor of another liberated spirit, detached by sleep, one 
of the well known at that time on earth plane, no less a personage 
than Abraham Lincoln. In the real life Abraham Lincoln is 
only a child of God, no greater than the average spirit in expression 
of the soul gifts and by no means as advanced in knowledge and 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


137 


wisdom, but as on earth he was loved and revered for expressing 
more perfectly the soul gifts, in the real life he is loved by all, 
who revered him there, when detached by sleep, and death, as 
well as by all with whom he had mingled during his periods of 
detachment by sleep. Hence, this banquet was very largely 
attended. 

Our party very soon found themselves near their brother, 
Abraham. Tom grasped him by both hands joyfully, 

“At last I meet you in our real Home. How I longed to see 
you on earth, but — ” laughing merrily, “I never was sober long 
enough to gratify that privilege.” 

“I fear that my duties would not have permitted me to seek 
you there, brother, but I certainly am glad to know you here.” 
answered as merrily the, at that time. President of the United 
States, who was at that period trying to prevent the South from 
seceding with as much success as was permitted the present Presi- 
dent, Woodrow Wilson, from following his policy of peace. Wood- 
row Wilson, revered by many, abhorred and calumniated by others, 
was the instrument selected, not to bring peace but a sword to 
the world. Though a lover of peace, a genuine humanitarian, 
one who abhors bloodshed and rapine, like his predecessor 
Abraham Lincoln, he was instrumental, through these very quali- 
ties, in obtaining the confidence of the people who selected him 
to be the instrument, as they deemed, to prevent war, whereas 
in truth these very qualities, combined with others which some- 
times accompany this kind of character, made him yield when, 
as many thought, he should have remained firm, and thus, 
despite his innermost conviction, he became the instrument for 
the thing he abhorred most. Ah, poor human nature, how many 
less prominent than he, how many of the average daily, against 
will and best judgment, do that which they most loathe, like St. 
Paul “The things I would do those things I do not. The things 
I would not do those I do, whereby I discern a law.” Therefore, 
1 pray ye who are prone to judge the present President, look 
within and remain mute. He and all are under law. The purpose 
of the mortal plane is not to cultivate love, peace and harmony, 
although as all advance they are expressed more perfectly, but 
to develop, through sin and suffering, through the perpetual con- 
flict of the spiritual and the material, the necessary qualities. 
When humanity evolves to the plane where the majority will 
express love, peace and harmony, war will cease for a while, but 


138 


WHO AND WIJAT AM I? 


not until then. Then will come the Millenium and aeons after 
the necessity, as other races advance to a certain plane, for the 
sin and suffering absolutely essential for development. 

Abraham Lincoln and Woodrow Wilson, two of the greatest 
lovers of humanity, under law they were powerless to control, 
were the instruments selected to detach millions of God’s children. 
When ye reflect that death is but an awakening in the real life, 
not taking life but liberating it from pain and suffering, ye will 
view these things differently. Not solely were they chosen to 
detach the mortal life, to free many from sin and suffering, but 
to free many from bondage imposed on them by their brethren. 
Though it is true many have lost mortal life through their instru- 
mentality, many have also gained greater freedom, a greater 
expression of liberty, fraternity and equality, among all peoples. 
The ultimate result of the present war, after reason and judgment 
resume their sway, will be seen to be due mainly to the American 
President; without the determining factor of America, Europe 
would have been completely wiped out, which is not the purpose 
of those in charge of the mortal plane. Without Abraham 
Lincoln, the colored race would still be at the mercy of their 
white brethren. Thus, these two have been selected, not solely 
by the mortal plane but by their exalted brethren in charge of 
the material world. 

Abraham Lincoln, with extreme cordiality and affection, wel- 
comed all and proudly conducted them through the vast amphi- 
theatre, showing them many novel features. In the great ball- 
room he introduced them to many of the notabilities of the 
mortal world who were detached by death, also to many of his 
friends who were detached by sleep as he was. One, the Little 
Giant, Stephen Douglas, his bitter opponent when awake on 
earth, was one of his greatest friends. Quite a coterie grouped 
themselves around them. The Little Giant, with his magnificent 
head held more superbly than on earth, laughed as he said to 
Congressman Casey, at that time in congress for Illinois, and 
Thaddeus Stevens, Lincoln’s most bitter enemy, 

“Think how on earth I reviled and fought you. Think what 
you, Stevens, are now doing. Oh, what fools we mortals be.” 

Thaddeus Stevens, not deformed here morally or physically, 
but grand and great as the man he opposed so basely, joined in 
the peals of laughter with real enjoyment though he replied 
gravely. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


139 


“I never express my real self there. I wish I could but my 
poor mortal expression is so vile that, could I, I would blush for 
him.” 

Queen Elizabeth, not the Virgin queen or a man as some 
presumed, on account of her intellect, but a wondrously beautiful 
v/oman with imperious mien of manner, laughed as she said, 

“Often, often, I have tried to impress many on that plane, but, 
alas, all have misunderstood and deemed the vibrations they 
caught from me to imply that they had been Queen Elizabeth, 
some so deluding themselves as to become insane.” 

Oliver Cromwell, young and magnificently handsome, smiled 
whimsically as he replied, 

“Elizabeth, did they catch the vibrations from you or were 
they not really impressed under law, like we were and as all are?” 

“Laugh as much as you please about my dear, old school,” 
exclaimed Lilian, “but I am still going to it and I know it is very 
serious to us there, as well as dear.” 

“Serious, indeed,” exclaimed Lincoln, “I dread to return to 
its horrors. You are seeing the best, I am seeing and causing 
misery unparalleled.” 

“We all did and all do, more or less,” said George Byron, “what 
a foul fiend all thought me there.” 

“But you were not, you were mainly slandered. I was not 
slandered, I was bad, very bad.” said Elizabeth. 

“Yes, you really were,” heartily agreed Byron, “I used to blush 
for you and my people when they would laud you in foreign 
countries. Many a sneer and gibe were leveled at the ‘Good 
Queen Bess’.” 

“Hypocrisy seems to be the besetting sin of the mortal plane, 
all deluding themselves or others. They will not look truth in the 
face. Thank God, we have the grace to be ashamed to, hence 
invest all appertaining to self with virtues we possess not. At 
least we are impressed correctly enough to try to pretend we are 
good even though we really are not,” cried Tom, “I know I often 
pretended I was sober when I was beastly intoxicated.” 

“I do not think, Tom, that you could have prevented yourself 
from being deceitful any more than I can.” said Lilian. 

“Oh, yes, you often can,” said John, speaking for the first time, 
“we are not puppets there, we have free will. I conquered, — 
looking at Ella — many enticing dreams there.” 

“Because you were awakened as was St. Paul who, before 


140 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


awakening, sinned ignorantly in unbelief. Why should the ones 
who are not awakened, who continue sinning ignorantly in unbe- 
lief, be discriminated against because they are not brought into 
the light? Why interpret the gospel of Love so erroneously, 
unless mesmerized as all really are?” answered Elizabeth. 

“Even there, obsessed somewhat with their delusions, I cannot 
refrain from smiling at the sanctimonious Pharisees, who, utterly 
unable to comprehend the Divine character of the Lord, invest 
Him with their human characteristics.” laughed Abraham. 

“Yes, poor brethren, as much hypnotized as those they condemn 
and misjudge.” said the Little Giant. 

Suddenly, coming rapidly towards them, they saw a majestic 
figure, a highly advanced spirit. He greeted all lovingly yet with 
extreme dignity. 

“I was conscious of your thoughtlessly uttered comments and 
I come to correct some of them. You all know that free will is 
expressed even on the mortal plane by all excepting a very small 
class and such as several of you here who failed to express your 
wills in the right direction. God’s children are neither puppets 
nor automatons, all are connected with Him, all have the power 
to express will as they decide, and, although continually tempted 
and tested by numberless impressions, all decide, independently, 
every question. Solely the criminal class, a very small element, 
are restricted by law. Every time that child on the mortal plane 
conquers temptation and subjugates self, not hypnotized but with 
the will inherent in all, he becomes a better instrument for the 
soul gifts, as did this boy,” turning to John, “whilst this boy,” 
turning to Tom, “restricted by law, did that which he could not 
prevent. While you two,” turning to Elizabeth and Stevens “not 
bound by law, voluntarily willed to do that which pleased and 
pleases you most.” 

“Yes,” laughed Elizabeth, “that is true, but it is also true that 
I was as I was because I could not be otherwise.” 

“That is an error. You could not change that which is to be, 
but you had and have the power to govern your own brain and 
mind, ajter attaining to a certain plane. You willed not to 
advance to that plane in mortal life, and you yourself on that 
plane were responsible for your life there and the misery you 
inflicted upon others and yourself.” he answered gravely. 

“It seems I have not yet arrived at the plane that I know I 
can exercise free will here.” she laughed, even more joyously. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


141 


“No, not even yet despite the intellect you had on earth and 
the intellect you have here. You must yourself cultivate the 
love of service and the love nature. On earth all service was 
abhorrent to you. It is still unpleasant. Therefore, not yet 
have you, though conquered all material limitations as a child 
of God, developed yourself sufficiently in the highest of all love 
expressions, that of service. Until you do, beloved sister, you 
will not really comprehend many things.” 

“I see, I see,” bending her regal head graciously, “I know it 
is so. Dear brother, although I have been told so repeatedly, 
I have never felt the desire to try until now. I wonder why?” 

He looked into her glorious eyes with peculiar intensity and a 
wonderful love. Elizabeth, still a virgin maiden, still unknown 
her soul mate, trembled visibly as he replied earnestly, 

“I have come from my distant home, traveled millions of miles 
especially to see you, Elizabeth, to ask you to hinder no longer 
your development. So many await you with yearning.” 

With the spirit’s prescience she knew and with soul at last 
at rest, she murmured softly, yet all heard, 

‘^Dear brother, I will for all their dear sakes advance so 
rapidly, if love and service alone are essential, that you will 
welcome me ere many decades.” 

He gave her his arm and, after parting with the others, led 
her away. A silence fell on all until Oliver Cromwell spoke, 

“I have known that her soul mate was not in our spirit world 
but I did not dream he was almost an angel.” 

“How long he must have waited,” sighed Ella. 

“He was one of a very few,” said a Celestial angel, “who were 
so in tune with God, so full of the love of service, that he 
advanced more in a day than others in a decade. He was known 
on earth as the Earl of Leicester, a contemporary of Elizabeth’s, 
who often has deplored him advancing so rapidly beyond her 
Very rarely has she seen him since their detachment.” 


142 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XVII. 

Ella had been detached for some time, she had buried her 
mother, aunt, uncle and Tom, and had lived for many years with 
Roscoe and Lilian in the Academy, ere Roscoe became so success- 
ful in law, that he closed the Academy and transformed it into 
a splendid private residence. Roscoe, who had married and was 
the father of several children, had insisted upon Ella making 
her home with him, which she in the depths of anguish had 
gladly consented to do. 

Roscoe, as years passed, advanced in occultism or spiritualism, 
but the prejudice still continued and, like many others, he re- 
frained from discussing his soul experiences with any but his 
closest friends. Ella never became a psychic but had implicit 
faith in Roscoe, and obtained much knowledge and comfort from 
him. She firmly believed that John was her soul-mate, hence, 
although still young and beautiful, had not re-married. 

Ella was waiting for John in her private sanctum, in her 
mother’s home in the spirit world. It was a flower room, a part 
of a great, open conservatory. Her mother, until all her family 
were detached, had selected a home in the suburbs of Frankfort, 
Kentucky. The house was not in the attached section, therefore 
was much larger and more imposing than any attached home 
at that time. It stood on a large circular hill, in the midst of a 
grove of majestic trees. Of luminous white, with great pillars 
entwined with pink and white flowers, turrets, lower and upper 
porches similarly decorated, contrasting with the varying shades 
of green of the trees, and the pink moss of the lawn, it presented 
an appearance of great beauty. It was about ten miles from the 
spirit city of Frankfort, therefore its grounds were more extensive 
than is permitted or selected generally in spirit spheres. The 
whole hill was of pink moss, surrounding it a wide stream of golden 
water, with moats and drawbridges of the white, glistening 
substance of the buildings. The park encircling the stream was 
in velvety green lawns, with white statues, pagodas, fountains 
and seats, then gardens of bewildering loveliness, interspersed 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


143 


with lawns of harmonizing shades and courts of alluring charm. 

Ella, herself the fairest flower, stood at an opening, between 
the gorgeous flowers, looking eagerly for John. She knew not how 
he would come but, with the prescience of the spirit world, glanced 
to the sky where, some distance away, she saw several flying 
vehicles. 

“He is coming, my John is coming,” she rapturously mur- 
mured. 

Then she saw a vehicle, drawn by a single pair of white 
horses, slowly descend to the ground on the outer edge of the 
vast park, and, although it was several miles away, so keen is 
spirit sight, saw John, looking preeminently beautiful and glorious, 
attired in white, smile lovingly in greeting. She gaily wafted 
him a welcome, then another and another, as his horses flew with 
the celerity of the wind over the downy moss. She could not 
wait and, though not in flying robe, gently stepped upon the 
ledge and floated, with even greater celerity, to meet him. He 
stopped the horses as she approached and tenderly seated her by 
his side, then he drew her sparkling face to him and, in the old 
earth way, rained kisses galore upon cheeks, lips and hair. Golden 
and black locks intermingled as he pressed her to his heart. 

“Dear love,” he sighed, “how glorious it is to be with you, 
to know that, ere that golden orb sinks to rest, we shall be united 
to part no more.” 

“Oh, John, we are as silly as though we were still of the mortal, 
you are as impatient as any love-sick swain.” laughed Ella, 
detaching herself from his embrace. 

“I am the same John, you are the same Ella, we love as we 
did there.” 

^Nay, John, infinitely more,” Ella shook her flowing tresses 
from her face which clouded a little as she said comically yet 
somewhat dolefully, 

“John, I hate to recall the animalism of that plane, although 
I do not cognize it here it still appears revolting. Even our 
animals are pure and loving here, have no disgusting, abnormal 
habits.” 

“Ella, can we never forget, banish, I pray you, upon our 
wedding day, all thoughts of our misery there.” 

“I most certainly shall today, dear, I am so happy, but I do 
wish I had not married William there,” 


144 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Of course you do, but it had to be, and we know the truth so 
let’s forget it. Now, where to, ere we go home?” 

“Why, of course, dear, we will go to Auntie and Uncle and all 
the rest. I presume great preparations are being made.” 

“Yes,” he answered, “all the family, our countless friends and 
the magic wand of our Celestial Guides, are creating a vision of 
Celestial splendor. But come, your mother said we must hurry, 
for we must deck Ella as she has never been decked before.” 

Gaily he chirruped to the horses, softly neighed they in return 
as they left the turf and bounded up into the air. 

With arms entwined, shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, in 
perfect harmony, silent and thoughtful, they were whirled at a 
terrific rate of speed onward and upward. Up into the fleecy, 
white clouds, over mountain ranges, hills and dales, until Lexing- 
ton lay outspread beneath them. Then on to the outskirts, 
where Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke had located after their detachment, 
a soul-united pair on earth, with no necessity for another cere- 
mony. A magnificent, stately castle, of turquoise of various 
shades, upon the banks of a tree-lined river, arrested Ella’s 
attention. 

“Why, John, what have they done to it, it is so much larger 
and grander.” 

“Harold and Clare have been transforming and renovating, 
isn’t it gorgeous? There are thousands coming tonight. There 
will be many Celestial Angels present. Harold’s brother, John, 
Clare’s soul-mate, and many of their friends are en route to the 
Celestial Kingdom after a sojourn in our world for some time.” 

“Oh, how glorious, how I do love our Angels, it will be very 
long before we are Angels, John.” 

Ella, as she drew nearer and noted the splendor of the castle, 
and the magnificence of the grounds in the rear, gave many 
exclamations of delight. The horses flew over a bridge and drew 
up before one of the side entrances, where stood her mother, 
aunt, and Lilian, who was detached by sleep for this especial 
purpose, a sleep in the mortal home in a long afternoon siesta. 

“Come with us, Ella, you are not to be visible until the 
ceremony.” said her mother after greeting her. 

Her aunt and Lilian welcomed her lovingly and with John went 
into the grounds, filled with their relatives and friends. Ella was 
escorted to a suite of apartments, sitting room, bedchamber. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


145 


dressing and bathroom, all in spotless white, embellished with 
flowers in every corner and nook. 

“Now, darling, you must rest for awhile to collect yourself, 
you surely need time for reflection.” 

Ella laughed merrily, 

“Mother, you will recur to the earth form, I need neither rest 
nor reflection here as you know.” 

Her mother drew her on the couch beside her, 

“Come, at least sit down and try to be calm, you are as restless 
as a bird.” 

Ella, to please her, sat down and nestled close to her. 

“BalDy mine,” cooed the mother, “always and ever, my baby, 
if for no other reason than for the pangs I bore for you on earth.” 

“Yes, darling Mother, a very potent reason, you suffered 
enough there to deserve a special right and a special love. I 
thank the dear Father that we are blessed with the same love 
that we had there. No cold universal love or Heaven would be 
but a dreary place. Mother dear.” 

“Indeed, it would be,” the mother murmured, “deprived of 
the greatest joys of life.” 

“Think how undeveloped,” said Ella, “are the mortals, how 
unbalanced, who believe, not in love for their own, who think 
it denotes superior wisdom to subjugate and renounce the most 
holy feelings, unconscous that all love is of the spirit, does not 
appertain at all to the mortal. How wisely they prate about the 
universal love, how I used to laugh at some of them. Mama.” 

“Whilst renouncing and denying, still claiming that not the 
material vehicle, (only an instrument), but the ego lives on the life 
side, thus implying that the ego lives but does not love save in an 
impersonal manner. The transitory, material vehicle cannot 
love, then who loves if not the ego? If all egos loved one way on 
earth and another in Heaven, from whence comes personal, in- 
dividual love, since they admit all is, in truth, from the Heaven 
world?” said the mother. 

“They deny, dearest, all that makes mortal life endurable, 
simply because they have brains and minds not receptive to the 
real truths, and as they only feel the cold, universal love, they 
cannot express the greatest loves of all. Oh, Mamma, how glad 
I am that even there I loved you and John.” 

“And how thankful am I that the dear Father has with Infinite 


146 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


wisdom ordained the different degrees of love, that their incorrect 
impressions are not true.” 

“The correctly impressed realize,” said Ella, “hence, like John, 
pity all who reject and do not grasp the real meaning of the 
Doctrine of Love.” 

“Well it is for that tempestuous plane, my child, that some 
express themselves truly or all would suffer immeasurably more, 
and yet some of the noblest there have never known, and will 
never know, aught save animalism, which they mistake for love 
and the universal love.” 

“How loving of our Father, Mother, never to separate us, to 
have us live here while we suffer there, to have us always together 
in spirit, so much more loving than to send us to a distant place, 
ever apart from our dear ones, or to places of punishment after 
we come Home. Better to suffer all that is necessary there and 
get done with it.” 

Ella spoke very earnestly, gently caressing her mother. She 
closed her eyes for a few moments and drifted off into a light 
slumber. Her mother let her rest, for while sleep is not absolutely 
essential as on the mortal plane, it tranquilizes the life organisms 
of the brain and vital organs. All organic life is under law. 
Everybody is an aggregation of organic life, whose mission is 
to build up the tissues, the substance of the body. 

Ella awakened shortly and, by her mother, proceeded to the 
bathroom; a limpid pool, in the center of the pearl floor, welcomed 
her lovely form with as loving caresses from its countless organ- 
isms as her mother had bestowed on her. She stood in her 
nudity, a being of exquisite grace and beauty. Tenderly the 
mother robed her in soft, silken sheen, as fragile as cobwebs. 
In the dressing room, Auntie and her grandmother, as beauteous 
as herself, awaited her. With great care they arrayed her in a 
gown that would shock prudes on earth, disclosing, as it did, 
her form, in all its sinuous grace, but, as stated before, as all 
spirits have good taste, not unduly exposing, although the beauti- 
ful shoulders and body, to the waistline, were almost visible 
through the filmy lace. Her hair was piled high, with long 
ringlets on either side. Small blossoms, more exquisite, similar 
to the orange, covered her gown, formed a circlet around her 
throat, and clustered in her ebony hair. Beautiful as an angel, 
she stood before them, her nearest and dearest, equally as lovely, 
equally as daintily robed, but a more radiant expression, a 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


147 


greater joyousness animated her, for she was to be united to her 
soul-mate and her heart warbled an anthem of delight and 
gratitude. 

Her Guardian Angels entered the sitting room to escort them 
to a reception room where John, with his Guardian Angels and 
family, awaited them. In the meanwhile a great number had 
assembled in the lower floor, which had been converted into 
exceedingly large apartments, much grander, much more splen- 
didly finished and furnished, than the most magnificent on earth. 
Emmanuel Swedenborg, in his work “Heaven and Hell”, touches 
upon the splendor of the angelic homes, but did not attempt to 
describe them. Suffice to state that, as there are many arts in 
spirit life unknown on earth, there are many articles and modes 
of embellishing and decorating buildings which are impossible 
to be described as finite language is limited. The vast central 
hall was made to appear like a gorgeous floral arbor. The ceiling, 
walls and floor were of white, immortal blossoms, with fragile, 
green leaves. In the center was a platform also covered with 
blossoms. From the blossoms in the ceiling, and the walls, peeped 
tiny birds of exquisite plumage, the sole touches of color, tiny 
humming birds, with eyes like unto glow-worms, illuminating all 
with soft, golden tones. From the center of the ceiling, suspended 
by veritable living cherubim, (a form of life similar to automata), 
were two superb wreathes, of exquisite beauty, from whose blos- 
soms also peeped snowy birdlings with scintillating eyes of gold. 
On the platform, under the suspended wreathes, was a prie-dieu. 
Great openings on all sides gave enchanting vistas of the wonder- 
ful grounds and river, more beautiful than the greatest master- 
pieces; animal of various kinds, and birds, frolicked in the grounds 
and caroled in the trees and shrubbery. On an islet, in the rear, 
was a life size statue of the Father, and here and there in the 
grounds statues of Celestial Angels and advanced spirits so per- 
fectly chiseled as to appear lifelike. Leading up to the platform, 
on opposite sides, were wide steps also covered with blossoms. 
Angels and spirits of entrancing beauty mingled in joyous con- 
verse, all young, all perfect and, as on mortal plane, eagerly 
awaiting the wedding party. 

Suddenly they ceased converse while all the countless little 
birds began to pour forth the most perfect melody from their 
tiny throats, incomparatively soft and alluring. Then a wedding 
march in the grounds, from invisible musicians, joined in perfect 


148 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


harmony, and Harold and his soul mate, followed by Clare and 
hers, then John and his mother, his father and Lilian, and all 
his relatives, entered one opening, and opposite, at the other, 
appeared Ella’s Guardian Angels, she and her father, her mother 
and Tom, and all her relatives of many, many generations. They 
stopped at the platform on opposite sides. On one side Harold 
and John, followed solely by his father and mother, ascended, 
whilst Ella and hers, on the opposite, followed by her father and 
Mother — also a soul-mated couple, ascended and met before the 
prie dieu. 

Harold took John’s hand, then Ella’s, joined them, and, while 
they sank on the prie dieu, lifted his arms in holy blessing and 
began to speak slowly and impressively, 

“Children of the One Father, yet so distinct and differently 
individualized are ye as to be able to be joined in perfect unison 
in holy wedlock, destined prior to thy formation and birth for 
each other, educated and developed on both planes with the 
especial object in view of enabling you, as one perfect being, to 
advance perpetually throughout all times and all spheres, I 
now consecrate your love to the highest, and pronounce you one 
in soul, in mind and in body. The Infinite love, love of the 
Father, be with ye throughout Eternity. Oh, Heavenly Father, 
Who now I represent in this exalted duty, these two made one 
after countless years of struggling and striving, unconsciously 
in the lower forms, more or less in a dream while conscious on the 
mortal plane, I now pronounce freed from the last material 
limitation, eager to be welcomed by Thee as one more of thy 
emancipated children, heirs to Thy glorious Kingdom now and 
evermore. Amen. 

He gently lifted John to his feet whilst Ella was assisted by 
Clara. 

“John,” he said fondly, “my love shall always be with you, 
my boy, whom I have taught since first brought forth. Ella, 
dear sister,” taking her arm and placing it within John’s, “let 
us now proceed to the banquet.” 

As Harold spoke the cherubim let the two wreathes softly fall 
on their heads, Harold and Clara arranged them gracefully, then 
Harold and his soul-mate, John and Ella, and all in their res- 
pective places, slowly, to the thrilling melody of angels overhead, 
as they emerged outdoors, the warbling of birds and the jubilant 
melody of the golden river, proceeded through a ravishing court, 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


149 


in the center a beautiful lagoon, to the immense table encircling 
the lagoon. It was just twilight, yet softly and clearly illuminated 
by the great stars, the golden moon and the countless luminous 
insects and birds. The table, encircling the lagoon, only per- 
mitted seats on one side so as to give a good view of the lagoon, 
but as the lagoon was quite large all were accomodated with 
perfect ease. The table and chairs were decorated with snowy, 
living blossoms. Between spaces on the table were blossom- 
wreathed vessels, of intricate design and beauty, filled with 
fruit equally as perfect and beautiful, fruit unknown on mortal 
plane, of white and golden hue to harmonize with the blossoms 
of the lagoon and the chairs and tables. Animated voices broke 
the silence as they became seated. Merry remarks, brilliant 
repartee, were heard on all sides, until, knowing Harold was 
about to speak, silence ensued as he arose and, taking a glass 
passed him by an automaton, said laughingly, 

“Not as on mortal plane, shall we drink the red wine that 
ever bringeth misery, but the pure, white vintage of love, peace 
and harmony. I pray all join with me in drinking, not the 
health but a greater and greater expression of the soul gifts, to 
hasten the time when these dear ones shall join us in the 
Celestial Home.” 

All, with very thin glasses, formed like unto blossoms, arose 
and. drank with gusto. Then, as automatons began to appear 
with pearl and golden trays, heaped with viands and edibles 
of all kinds, of the same hue, naught to mar the harmony of the 
appointments, all began to discuss them with more enjoyment, 
accompanied with greater refinement and delicacy than ever 
evinced on earth. Who, looking upon those godlike men, those 
queenly women, all of snowy white or delicate creamy skin, and 
firm, substantial flesh, could doubt that they, and not the poor, 
dwarfed, feeble, imperfect mortals, are made to really enjoy all 
the good gifts which the Father so bountifully lavishes on them, 
and as the senses are some of the greatest gifts, all that will 
gratify them is given with unstinted measure in the real Home. 

After some time devoted to the table, all in order arose and 
were shortly seated in a white airship, to visit a large cathedral, 
in the mountains, of a detached city. Roscoe and Lilian, the 
only attached ones, waved a merry adieu, ere they floated to 
their home to be attached to their vital frames. John and Ella 
found a seat in a secluded corner, a bower of roses, prepared 


150 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


expressly for them. The trip extended for many miles as they 
were bound for the great attached city, wherein is located the 
University in charge of George Washington, mentioned in “My 
Life in Two Worlds.” 

“Ella, my love, mine for evermore.” murmured John, drawing 
her sweet form to his, with not passionate fervor but with a 
bliss incomparably superior. The greatest bliss, excepting per- 
sonal contact with the Father, is the bliss of personal contact with 
the soul-mate. Tactile sensibility, more acute, more highly de- 
veloped in them than in mortal, the sense of touch feebly reflected 
or expressed on mortal plane Tremulous with delight, Ella 
responded to his caresses, then arose and standing before him 
said quiveringly, 

“John, John, even in the midst of this bewildering pleasure, 
I recall what I fain would forget. Tell me, dearest, am I never 
to forget Roscoe and William as they seemed there?” 

“Yes, Ella, I presume you will forget after you have seen the 
Father, all unpleasant memories will cease then.” 

“I wonder when I shall see Him, John. You have, but although 
I have been many months according to earth time here, since my 
detachment, I have not seen him yet and, I assure you, I do not 
forget the undeveloped conditions as I would like.” 

“But you do not cognize nor feel them here, Ella.” 

“I know, John, but I recall them, and they make me feel ill 
at ease.” 

“Try to forget them,” said John, drawing her to him and 
magnetizing her into forgetfulness of all but her love for him. 

All on the large deck were in the highest spirits, as is ever 
the case with those long detached, forgotten completely the dark 
and tempestuous earth life, or, if remembered, only that which 
is of use recalled when necessary. Within due time they neared 
the glorious city. The exclamations of delight aroused John and 
Ella, who hastened to join them. When they saw the peerless 
city, the first detached that Ella had seen, they remained mute 
with voiceless emotion. Not yet had Ella seen moving pictures 
representing the Celestial, as had John, therefore, she remained 
so long silent and awe stricken, that John, more eager to look 
in her sweet eyes than upon the myriad charms of the city, said 
softly, 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” 

She did not turn to reply but, with enraptured gaze, continued 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


iSi 

to look upon the extensive city, located, apparently, upon a 
thousand peaks, spanned by bridges, and embracing an area of 
several hundreds of miles, taking in mountains, foothills, mead- 
ows, valleys and dales, watered and beautified by two magnificent 
rivers, streams and lakes innumerable. The mammoth buildings, 
with countless domes, turrets and spires, all of yellow topaz, 
looking like liquid sunlight, with their perfect systems of radium 
and electric illumination, were the largest she had ever seen. 
It was as bright as day although it was late in the evening. The 
moon with its numerous rings of different hues, high overhead, 
was seemingly much larger than on earth. Added to their 
iridescence were millions of lights gleaming from the jewels on 
all buildings. 

“Oh, Oh, John, how beautiful, how entrancing,” Ella at last 
exclaimed. 

Harold and his brother John approached, 

“Ella, sweet sister,” John smiled, “a feeble reflection of your 
real home in the Celestial Kingdom.” 

Ella slowly removed her gaze, and, though he was an exalted 
Angel and she but a lately emancipated spirit, (with as great 
familiarity and greater freedom than to one on her own plane — 
for she knew that she was the child of his Father, destined in 
time to join him in their real Home when she would arrive at his 
expression of Love), knowing he loved all things both great and 
small more than she did, she put her little hand in his, drew him 
to her side, and said: 

“Oh, John, can it possibly be more glorious? This is beauti- 
ful enough for me.” 

Harold and his brother laughed merrily, then Harold said, 

“See that great cathedral spanning those two peaks, we will 
alight there.” 

They all looked as they hovered, far enough away to obtain 
a good view and saw a building twice the size of St. Peters, 
Rome, more wondrously beautiful than the Madeleine and the 
Taj, or any that they had ever seen. It was suspended like a 
suspension bridge, on and beyond the peaks, fronting on both 
mountains. The sides were on floating gardens, more marvellous 
than the earth-famed ones of Babylon. It was of golden topaz 
and reflected all the rainbow-tinted beauty of the moon and stars. 
A mammoth dome arose in the center, sparkling with number- 


152 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


less radium lights. Immense columns extended all around a vast 
court. 

“The columns are of Celestial architecture,” said Harold, 
“not yet expressed on earth, although similar in some respects 
to the Ionic and Corinthian.” 

By this time they had arrived at the cathedral and slowly 
descended to the grounds which were thronged with people, 
who, although they had never met any of our party, excepting 
the Angels, greeted them without introduction. They needed 
none, brothers and sisters all, so, ere long, John and Ella were 
receiving many loving congratulations upon freedom from the 
thrall and delusions of the mortal plane. They entered a court 
of palms like the earth, excepting perfect in form and color, and 
thence ascended the first steps leading to the immense sanctuary, 
into a gallery, thence into a court, from that into a chapel, of 
prodigious size like a great ballroom or theatre, with an elevated 
platform at one end. The magnificent frescoed ceiling and 
walls, panelled with masterpieces of art, portrayed nothing of 
that deemed holy, but were representations of views of the 
Celestial Kingdom and various spirit worlds. Two or three tiers 
of seats were near the walls, leaving a vast apartment for 
promenading. The sole furniture were flower-garlanded fount- 
ains and a few seats encircling them. Every flower emitting 
light as well as the numberless flowers in all the paintings in the 
ceiling and walls, giving the luminous glow, never to be known 
on earth, as it is only known to advanced spirits and only in 
vogue in detached cities. Therefore the chapel was brilliantly 
illuminated without any visible system of lighting. As attached 
are superior to the mortal so the detached are to the attached, 
with this difference, the attached cities will attain in time to 
the development of the detached, but never the mortal to the 
attached. When the mortal arrives at the lowest plane of spirit 
development, the material world will be resolved into its primal 
elements, and the spirit detached from it. 

Harold escorted John and Ella to the large central fountain, 
and then, with a few words to those nearest, all withdrew and 
left them alone. John looked at their disappearing friends and, 
impelled by the soul within, spoke, 

“Ella, dear, I feel like examining the platform, come.” 

Ella arose, took his arm and walked, as in a dream, to the steps 
leading up to the chancel. They noticed a prie dieu and with 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


153 


one impulse sank upon their knees, to give thanks to the loving 
Father who had so blessed them. They did not see the mar- 
vellous figure, the most sublime in all existence, the greatest and 
most beautiful in all universes, who entered through the walls 
which parted before omnipotent Love and Wisdom, and who 
said, with a voice once heard, never forgotten, 

“Arise my children, I am here in person.” 

Quivering with excess of emotion they arose, and prostrated 
themselves before their Father, God Omnipotent. Then, loving- 
ly, not timidly, they lifted their eyes. Ella, with a rapturous 
cry, threw herself into His arms, 

“Father, my Father,” she murmured. 

Tenderly he clasped her to that mighty parent heart, from 
whence all parent love comes, and said with love ineffable, 

‘^Now, my dear child, the last illusion will vanish. Never 
again, will you recall the sin and sorrow of that darkest of all 
planes.” 

“Oh, thank Thee, thank Thee, my Father.” 

“John, my son,” clasping him by the hand, “have I not chosen 
a fitting mate for you.” 

As if by magic, three chairs were placed before them. He 
seated one on each side of Him, 

“It is all over now,” He said, “all the misery and sorrow. 
Ah, children, it is well on this plane we do not cognize. Enough 
for me, beloved ones, that I seek it as the Christ, to give the 
hope, faith, peace and fortitude, that only I can, or my children 
would suffer much more.” 

“Must it ever be so. Father,” asked Ella, fondling His hand 
which quivered like a dynamo with the inherent energy that He 
alone possesses. 

“Always, it always has been, it ever will be, for only thus 
can life evolve, spirits learn. Do you think that even on earth, 
I, impressing Jesus, would have made you suffer. Nay, therefore 
why should I here. You will know all when you advance. But, 
not yet, not yet, much further have ye to go ere ye can grasp 
the truth. Were it told you now, you could not comprehend.” 

Ella, entranced, listened to the melody of that voice, gazed 
with soul in her eyes on the most peerless countenance in exist- 
ence. Not the face of Jesus Christ, the mortal form consigned 
to oblivion, but the countenance of the Father, worshipped by 
all races, at all stages of their evolution, whether they worship 


154 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


idols, a Supreme Being, or Principle — the effluence from that Being 
on earth, and worshipped in spirit spheres by all His children, 
at all stages of their involution and evolution, as God Omnipotent, 
their Father. 

After a few more remarks, entirely beyond the comprehension 
of the mortal plane. He arose and, with a parting embrace, dis- 
appeared as invisibly as He came. With many thrills, they 
resumed their posture on the prie dieu, and, were it not that 
Harold aroused them saying, 

“The Father was here, I saw Him.” 
would have believed that they had dreamed it. 

“How do you feel now, Ella,” asked John. 

“Oh, as though all Heaven was opened to me, banished every 
trace of regret or that peculiar feeling. Now I know how it all 
had to be, that the dear Father would have spared me if possible, 
but it had to be.” 

“When the mortal plane arrives at that plane, Ella, they will 
worship in truth, not as they do ignorantly believing that He 
causes their sin and suffering. When they say, ‘Thy will be 
done.’ they think He means it is best for them to suffer and 
wills it so, whereas, although He is cognisant of it and knows it 
must be. He cannot change the Divine, perfect laws ever in 
existence: the sole way of developing life, unfolding soul. It 
is His will, in the sense that life must be developed, in the only 
possible way, or remain undeveloped. Rather than have no 
children, as a mother bears pangs on the mortal plane, transitory 
and fleeting, all of the mortal plane more or less illusory, as ye 
know, so bears He, as the Christ, the sufferings of all. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


155 


CHAPTER XVIII. 

Spirit Lipe: 

John and Ella were staying with her mother, who was loth to 
part with her. They had taken several long trips throughout 
the United States, and one or two to Europe in company with 
George Gordon Byron and his soul mate, Thyrza. The four 
were very congenial, George Byron, much more advanced, was 
of great assistance to them in many ways. One does not acquire 
knowledge, even on spirit plane, without the assistance of those 
on higher planes. As Harold had left for a prolonged sojourn 
in the Celestial Kingdom, George kindly proffered his services. 

It must be ever kept in mind that the spirit life of our mortal 
world is but a higher expression of the soul gifts in a perfectly 
natural world, that many weaknesses, not entirely eliminated, 
must be outgrown. Spirits, until their detachment by death, 
spend three-forths of their time on earth, and, while it is true 
that contact with the Father banishes the last trace of materialism, 
being as it were the second death ere the spirit awakens to the 
truth of being, there often remain many habits not yet discarded. 
Thus one who has devoted a mortal life to petty gossip finds 
it difficult to check it. Although it is impossible to feel or express 
unloving thoughts, too much interest in trivialities is not bene- 
ficial to soul advancement. Fortunately John and Ella were 
both spiritually unfolded, and extremely loving, hence, with 
George and Thyrza, they advanced considerably. 

It was agreed that they should move to Washington as John 
had applied for a position in the Administrative Department. 
The spirit world, as the natural, is governed under laws. There 
are not politicians but advanced spirits in charge of the various 
departments. All are on an equal plane as children of God, 
but the most highly developed are given the most important posi- 
tions. Efficiency counts here as well as on earth, with the dif- 
ference that the efficient are no more highly regarded, as all are 
advancing and all express naught but fraternity, liberty and 


156 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


equality. Whether a spirit is a clerk in the humbest department, 
or in charge of the most important, makes no difference in any 
way. All are equal socially. All are entitled to all the good 
gifts of the Father, although all are not, nor ever can be, equal 
mentally or spiritually, as there are ever different planes here as 
on earth. When the good gifts, given by the Father to the 
mortal children, are developed equally, when they arrive at the 
plane when they will be expressed, they will not care whether the 
inefficient get the same, are given an equal share; for, wiser than 
at present, they will recognize their limitations and instead of 
limiting, handicapping them more, gladly share, as in spirit life, 
all good gifts with their less favored brethren. When they ex- 
press love and forbearance with the failings of each other, when 
the classes recognize all as brethren, even though not compelled 
to associate with them whilst expressing their animal crudities, 
if not propensities, when the masses realize that the classes are 
their own, on a different plane, they will, after much suffering 
and sinning, for only so does poor humanity learn, strive to ex- 
press the Doctrine of I^ove, Alas, that at this period, so few 
practice it. 

John and Ella stayed with her mother principally to be at the 
accouchment of Lilian, who, married some time, was about to 
become a mother. She had been attached to her vital frame 
whilst devdoping the child, under the supervision of her Celestial 
tutors. On spirit plane, when conscious, attached to her vital 
frame, she did not suffer at all, excepting a vague apprehension 
of discomfort to be undergone on the mortal plane. All knew 
that she was nearing her period of travail, and wanted to be with 
her when she was conscious. John and Ella, not having been 
to a birth on spirit plane, were eager to acquire knowledge, hence 
were to be present with the consent of her Guardians. 

As Lilian was living with Roscoe in the Old Academy home, 
Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke, Tom, Jim, May, John and Ella, one 
exquisite day in early June, when all appeared more beautiful 
than ever, — as June is an especially balmy, glorious month in 
that section of the spirit world, — decided to make the trip on 
horseback and camp out in the open. Although horses travel 
with much greater speed than on earth, almost as rapidly as 
flying spirits, as this was to be purely a pleasure trip they in- 
tended to prolong it for several days. All on superb animals, 
the ladies, not phantoms, but ladies, were attired in 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


157 


plain white short suits, the men likewise. As nothing soils in 
spirit spheres, the tiny invisible cleaners ever at work in the 
atmosphere, white is very much worn. Without hats or gloves, 
with hair in two long braids, Mrs. Roanoke and her daughters 
looked like exceedingly beautiful earth maidens, with the exception 
that nowhere on earth is ever seen such exquisite complexions, 
lustrous hair and eyes, even features, and perfect symmetry and 
grace. 

Although Ella’s hair was dark and she looked not at all like 
the earth conception of angel, and was entirely unlike May who 
was a veritable golden-haired, blue-eyed one, she was equally 
as glorious and, to John, the acme of perfection. He thought 
how glorious were her starry eyes, how beautiful her cupid mouth, 
how velvety her creamy skin, and, above all, what an adorable 
expression. So you perceive John, even though a spirit and an 
unfolded one, had a mortal’s appreciation of feminine beauty. 

Jim, as frolicsome as ever, Tom, as lovable, were in hilarious 
spirits, but not more so than Mr. Roanoke, who, looking very 
much like Jim, was as much in love with his wife’s beauty as was 
John with Ella’s. They left the castle, trotted across the park, 
and were soon on a great highway, lined on either side with beau- 
tiful homes, similar to the Roanoke’s, of detached people living 
close to their attached ones in the neighborhood, or not far dis- 
tant. They passed the homes of several of their relatives and 
friends, and stopped at their grandparents for a few moments. 

The highway was as beautiful as spirit art could make it. The 
boulevard, of most delicate pink moss, was several hundred feet 
wide. On either side were white moss roads for pedestrians, 
bordered with green vines and ferns; beyond, a tree-lined stream 
upon which were tiny boats of various kinds, filled with gay, 
happy children, and youths and maidens. The roads were thronged 
with pedestrians enjoying themselves, either running, skipping or 
jumping with the children. Here and there were arbors with 
seats and drinking fountains. It was, although on mortal side 
sparsely settled, teeming with spirits and domestic animals. The 
boulevard was also filled with automobiles, equipages and 
quadrupeds of various kinds. Not solely are horses used in spirit 
life but elephants, zebras, oxen, mules, donkeys, dogs, — sleek 
and beautiful, swift and tireless, are seen everywhere. It is not 
an infrequent sight to meet lions, tigers, and those known as wild 


158 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


beasts on mortal plane, in the grounds of all spirits. Love 
reigns in spirit spheres, fear is not known. 

Our party Sat, without saddles, without reins, as comfortably 
on the beautiful backs of their animals as in easy chairs, and 
though, at intervals, the horses galloped, or ran, the pace was 
so even, the turf so smooth, they enjoyed perfect ease. They 
dismounted, as the beautiful twilight approached, at a roadside 
hotel, for refreshments, a white castle, enjeweled with choicest 
jewels, surrounded by extensive grounds. All throughout the 
spirit world are hotels, apartment housfes, places of resort, 
restaurants, cafes, cafeterias, of such splendor and magnificence, 
as would overwhelm mortals, kept by those who govern, for all 
spirits, in charge of spirits who prefer a public life or experienced 
automata. 

There are also simple unpretentious places, frequented as often, 
for spirits like changes of all kinds, variety is more the spice of 
life than even on mortal plane. So great is their love for variety 
that often their grounds are changed daily and their homes re- 
furnished whensoever they desire. 

There was no necessity for leaving their horses to be cared for, 
they simply dismounted — the horses knew where to find water 
and fodder. John said to his horse: “Be here when we get 
through.” the horse understood, neighed softly and loped after 
his brethren. 

They entered a large vestibule and, by an automaton, were 
escorted to apartments where they found all necessary apparel 
to dress themselves for dinner. Spirits are rarely hampered with 
luggage. Every public, every private place provides all that is 
necessary in every guest chamber. Costumes of all styles and 
sizes, suitable for all occasions, are to be found in large closets 
connected with all dressing rooms. 

Within a few minutes all, appropriately arrayed, met in the 
vestibule completely metamorphosed and yet not more beautiful. 
Mr. Roanoke, John, Tom and Jim had donned colors to 
harmonize with the ladies, who, telepathically, had decided on 
pink. The men were in white with pink boutonieres and ties, 
perfectly fitting costumes of heavy, brocaded silk. In spirit 
spheres, men dress as they please and use colors as do the women. 
The ladies were in pale pink, lustrous filmy lace, satin, silk and 
velvet, all of different materials, trimmings and flowers, pink and 
white, excepting the few green leaves of the camelias and roses. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


159 


Ella was in lace with low corsage, and white camelias, Mrs. 
Roanoke in velvet with train and pearls, May in satin and silk 
combined, short skirt, white roses. 

They merrily greeted each other, but not as on earth exclaimed 
gushingly, “Oh, how lovely you look, what a beautiful gown!” 
and other trivial inanities, although the men’s eyes glowed with 
admiration. Although beauty is universal and love of beauty 
expresses itself in all ways, the love of personal beauty in others, 
not in self, is much greater on the true plane. 

Mr. Roanoke fondly placed his wife’s arm within his, and with 
May between Jim and Tom, Ella and John in the rear, proceeded 
to enter the large central dining hall. This superb apartment 
accommodated thousands. It was a vast, circular room, encircled 
by columns, open to the sky. The columns alone separated them 
from the outside grounds, which presented a most glorious vista 
of the most perfect landscape gardening, the most exquisite 
combinations of flowers and trees. The tables were divided 
from each other by portieres of immortal flowers and set in the 
center of drawing rooms. 

There were many in the hall and they were greeted by smiling 
eyes and lips as they selected a table and seated themselves on 
the richly decorated chairs. The table was oval and made of 
an elaborately carved satinwood, covered with lace so sheer and 
fine that the highly polished wood gleamed through like silver. 
In the center was a sunken pool of water — reflecting the colors 
of the rainbow, — edged with fragile ferns, with snowy birds and 
flowers. 

They took their seats and then glanced over the assemblage 
as naturally as on earth, the marvellously gowned women, the 
courtly god-like men, the exquisitely beautiful children not de- 
barred from companionship of their elders; the splendid furni- 
ture of the various rooms, of different shades, so harmoniously 
blended as to appear more beautiful, if possible, than if of one or 
two alone; the columns of varying colors entwined with flowers, 
the sky ablaze with the afterglow of the setting sun, a perfect 
symphony of exquisite tones, gave their beauty-loving souls 
pleasure. 

“Oh,” exclaimed Ella, “if only on earth all the beauties we 
have here could be free also there. Think of those who hunger, 
who have not even the necessaries of life.” 

“But it is not true,” John said, “It only seems so.” 


160 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Alas, how real the seeming.” Mr. and Mrs. Roanoke in- 
voluntarily sighed, thinking of Lilian. Ella, somewhat ruefully, 
feeling she had not yet conquered her thoughtlessness, changed 
the subject by exclaiming, taking one of the birdies, no larger than 
a humming bird and more beautiful, out of the pool, 

“Look, John, look!” 

A servitor, a daintily clad automaton, appeared and took their 
orders. Within a few seconds, in the center of the unoccupied 
space of the drawing room arose a table, and four automatons, 
one for each, appeared and served them. Music from every- 
where filled the room, varied by spirit voices of the greatest 
compass and sweetness, not from invisible musicians nor from 
graphophones, but transmitted directly from famous opera houses 
and theatres of the spirit world. 

Mrs. Roanoke, after they had finished, in her room used the 
telavue and had the pleasure of hearing and seeing Lilian’s 
Guardian Angel, who told her that Lilian was in good spirits and 
not suffering yet on earth. Spirits prefer to use the telavue to 
telepathy, unless necessary, as they enjoy seeing their friends 
as well as communing with them. Telavues, in the near future, 
will be used on mortal plane, as well as all kinds of air craft. 

They found their horses waiting for them in a lemon and 
orange grove. It was about midnight. The air was soft and 
filled with the perfume of flowers and fruit. The moon shone 
brilliantly in the clear, azure sky, the stars sparkled like immense 
incandescent globes. They left the boulevard and cut across an 
unoccupied section of a valley, then foothills. 

“Here,” Mr. Roanoke observed to his wife as they approached 
a wooded dell, “is a good place to camp. Stop, John, Tom, 
let’s camp here.” 

It was seen clearly as daylight, an unusually charming spot, 
a grove of majestic trees covered with berries and nuts. A mossy 
turf, soft as down, with thick long grass. From one tree gushed 
a small stream of water, from another milk — richer, more delicious 
than the choicest Jersey’s; upon another was a fruit formed in 
the dainty fiber cups which spirits use as drinking vessels when 
camping, thus obviating the necessity of taking any outfit. As 
they dismounted a large rattlesnake crawled up to them. They 
patted it kindly, 

“Thank God,” said Ella, “you are not as on earth.” 

The snake withdrew to its own quarters, and they threw them- 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


161 


selves on the turf between two large trees, similar to weeping 
willows, after selecting some elevated spots for their heads. 

“How lovely,” exclaimed Ella. 

The foothills conforming, (or rather the material conforming 
to the spirit, within which it evolves,) rose before them. They 
appeared just as on earth excepting that they were more graceful 
in form and more luxuriantly w^ooded, as, besides the earth 
vegetation, there is the spiritual perfectly distinct. The hills, in 
the soft glow of the moon, bathed in its shafts of light, were not 
deserted or unpopulated, several attached spirits with their spirit 
guides were camped not far from them. There were also many 
attached and detached animals wandering about. 

“That party of attached spirits, I presume, are Indians.” re- 
marked Tom, “you know they are still hereabouts on earth.” 

“Or trappers,” answered Mr. Roanoke, “I was here several 
days ago, entered the material consciousness, saw old Dan Boone 
here years ago, but these hills now are the hiding place of many 
fugitive slaves.” 

“Not so many Indians here,” said Ella, “there were only a few 
when I came Home.” 

“I have seen them in moving pictures,” said May, “I am glad 
1 never saw them in reality.” 

“Randolph and I often go to the mortal plane to the dear old 
earth, we love it still.” Mrs. Roanoke nestled closer to her husband. 

“Yes,” he answered, “we do not forget where we were first 
attracted to each other and where we passed so many years with 
our chilren.” — clasping her hands fondly. 

“And I love it too, even though I acted like a fool there.” Tom 
involuntarily sighed. “Let’s return to it as we used to do.” 

“I am willing.” replied John. 

“Jim and I cannot,” said May, “but we will accompany you 
on this side.” 

After a few more moments desultory conversation they drifted 
off to slumber as peacefully as in their chambers, though rattlers 
crouched near them and night animals and birds gazed on tiiem. 
Naught had they to fear from their lesser brethren, who, after 
they slept, crept near and gazed on their beauteous faces with 
loving curiosity. 

At peep of dawn, ere the sun rose, our party arose one by one, 
ran to the water tree, and merrily threw cups of water over each 
other, which fell from their suits, made of woven glass, in showers. 


162 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


leaving no trace of dampness. Then they plunged their glowing 
faces in a pool, ran their fingers through their hair, and, looking 
perfectly groomed, prepared to eat breakfast. Soon with flowing 
cups of milk, delicious berries, nuts, and the cup-fruit, similar 
to luscious cake, they made a delightful repast. Seated on the 
turf near their horses, which also were busily browsing upon the 
rich turf, they resumed their conversation of the previous night. 
Jim and May agreed to accompany them on horseback, they 
promising to return to spirit consciousness after seeing the old 
Academy. The horses were told to go home. All, excepting Jim 
and May, knelt and prayed for a few moments and arose in the 
mortal consciousness, with faraway gaze. 

“Look, look, how natural, how I love it all.” exclaimed 
Randolph. 

A very different scene presented itself to them. They all 
looked as on spirit side. They were not material bodies, simply 
m the material consciousness, but their eyes appeared, not as they 
did to Jim and May, but fully conscious, perfectly natural. The 
hills were covered sparsely. The beautiful dell had a few trees 
and bushes but neither fruit nor berries. There was a turf, rich 
and green, in the shady places, yellow and seared elsewhere. It 
appeared bare and very desolate to John and Ella, but Randolph 
exclaimed gleefully, 

“Oh, the dear old earth, it seems like coming home again.” 

“It is one of our homes,” answered Mrs. Roanoke, “we will 
always, always love it.” 

“The sky looks sombre, the sun so small.” said Ella. “Oh, 
how different to our gorgeous sunrises.” 

“I used to think our sunrises superb,” said Tom, “this is an 
especially fine one for the earth, but it is a very poor reflection 
of ours. The earth really must be the infernal societies meant 
by Swedenborg.” 

“Of course,” said John, “the sole hells in existence are the 
material worlds.” 

“Oh, look, Father, there are runaway slaves, a man, a woman 
and a child. Let’s see what they are saying.” said Tom. 

They approached the camp fire, brightly blazing in a secluded 
spot, shut off by thick bushes from the open country. In the 
thrall of the mortal consciousness, oppressed with a strange 
yearning and deep sympathy, they gazed upon their own, under- 
going, in unhappy colored bodies, the horrors of their earthly 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


163 


discipline. Three fugitive slaves: an old white-haired negro, a 
young quadroon with a comely, pathetic face, and a little child, 
completed the group. Although our party had no material bodies 
to hear with, they, as spirits, cognized every thought ere uttered. 

‘‘We must hurry, hurry,’’ said the woman, “how far before we 
get there, I am so weak. The child is tired out.” 

“Hab no fear, Elizy gal, we’ll soon be dere. Ole mammy will 
be awaitin’, sure honey.” 

“Gen’ Grant can’t be far away. He is some place near here.” 

“Sure, gal, he is in de west ob Kentucky, far from de South 
where de debils are.” 

Our party lingered a few moments and then, seeing some men, 
evidently guerillas in Confederate uniforms, some miles away, 
walked swiftly towards them, knowing, although Kentucky 
was a free State, that, far from settlements, they could easily 
overtake the poor slaves and carry them South. Within due 
time they neared the guerillas, six in number, accompanied by, 
evidently, an old Southern planter, the poor white type. 

“Let us all concentrate,” John said to his father, “and try to 
change their route.” 

They saw not the spirit guides, they were in the material 
consciousness. They got very close to the men, Randolph placed 
his hand on the head of the leader, John, his on the planter, the 
others on several of the fiercest looking, and willed them to go 
in an opposite direction. They were successful. The men did 
as commanded, not at all conscious on mortal side, simply think- 
ing they were using their own judgment. 

“Oh, how glad I am,” Ella exclaimed, “that the poor dears are 
ordained to escape.” 

“Or we, most assuredly,” said John, “would not have been 
fnstrumental in helping them. We had not time to find that 
out, one is so limited on this plane.” 

They traversed many miles at a rapid gait, and found them- 
selves in one of the most unexplored forests, a forest primeval, 
known but to the trapper and the red -man. Mrs. Roanoke and 
Ella nestled together. 

“Oh, what a place,” sighed Ella, “how thankful I am we were 
never here while we lived here. Everything looks so weird and 
horrible.” 

“Why. Ella, child, you are actually quivering.” 

“Yes, I am oppressed with all the horrors of this plane.” 


164 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


John drew her to him and impressed a kiss on her brow. 
^‘Dearest, think, we may be impressed to be the instruments to 
help some others or we would return.” 

‘‘Oh, no, no, John. Oh, look, look there.” 

A terrifying spectacle presented itself. Two red men, naked 
savages, were tying a young white girl with thongs to a tree, 
several others were igniting a fire under her. 

“Oh, now, now, will, will, concentrate.” cried Mr. Roanoke. 

Approaching without fear, although Ella quivered, Mr. Roanoke 
selected one, John the others who were tying the girl, while Mrs. 
Roanoke, Ella and Tom, concentrated on the kneeling Indians 
igniting the fire. To their great relief one said: 

“The Great Spirit wants to spare this squaw.” 

The others nodded approval and put the fire out. The medicine 
man, some distance away, hurried up: “Stop, stop, me see spirit, 
beautiful spirit, who say, ‘No, no, let girl go, take her home.’ 
So now I take her home. Come, squaw, come with me.” 

Overjoyed at being released from so cruel a fate, the girl fell 
in a swoon. The medecine man bathed her brow with water he 
had in a canteen, then poured some fire-water (appropriately 
named), into her mouth. When she recovered she gladly accom- 
panied the savage. Our party escorted them out of the forest 
and to a road near a village, where the Indian parted from the 
girl after making her promise to say nothing. 

Our party’s course lay in a different direction, so, knowing 
the girl would soon be home, they walked until they came to an 
isolated cabin in a clearing, shut in by great, old trees, where 
lived a trapper, an Indian boy, and old negro to do the chores. 

“Why, this is old Tom’s place,” cried Tom, “and there he is, 
poor old fellow, at his gruesome tricks.” 

An aged trapper, with pipe in his mouth, was engaged in 
skinning a huge bear, muttering to himself; a buck was also skin- 
ning a deer. The old negro was chopping wood. 

“Poor things,” said Ella, “what a life, no pleasure but in 
slaughtering their lesser brethren.” 

Just then was seen approaching a calvacade of horsemen, 
wearing the blue, with General Grant in command. Our party 
waited until they drew up and halted before the cabin. The old 
trapper extended his bloody hand to the General, who grasped it 
cordially. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


165 


“How different the General looks,” John remarked, “to what 
he does in spirit.” 

“No wonder, engaged in such terrible work, God pity him and 
all who are engaged in it.” sighed Ella. “Of all undeveloped 
avocations on earth, I think that of officer the most undeveloped. 
But it must be, for so many have to suffer through war, and many 
can develop in no other way.” 

“As humanity advances only the most undeveloped will stand 
for it.” Ella replied. 

General Grant, on mortal plane one of the most honored of 
men, despite the censorious attacks through the financial failure 
of one whom he had trusted, and one of the most kindly despite 
his terrible profession, which did not succeed in conquering his 
true nature, was a very brave man, a good husband and father, 
a loyal friend, and few have shown such genuine courage, such 
heroism, as he showed during his last days when, slowly dying 
with cancer, a victim to one of the most malignant diseases, he 
kept at his desk, though soul was clamoring for release, day after 
day, writing his memoirs, with the hope that they would avert 
financial ruin from his family. To the pride of the American 
people this hope was realized. 

Loving their brother, Ulysses, whom they had met on spirit 
plane several times, our party stayed a few minutes listening to 
the trapper’s loquacious remarks, to the man of few words, re- 
garding the enemy on the southern border. 

“Oh,” John said feelingly as they left, “how sad that our 
brethren must be so antagonistic. “Yes, Ella dear, I fully agree 
with you, I cannot take pleasure here. It is necessary or it would 
not be, but how unspeakably painful.” 

“Oh, let us hasten and see no more horrors.” Mrs. Roanoke 
remarked. 

That night they camped out, still on the mortal plane, near a 
large stream, on its bank some distance from a farmhouse. 

“Mortals call this beautiful,” said Tom, “I, in mortal life, 
thought this stream with its clear water, wild berries and ferns, 
an ideal spot. I remember raving over its beauties once. It 
appears very ordinary now.” 

“I am more than thankful,” responded Randolph, “that it is 
so beautiful and not like the hells portrayed by Swedenborg and 
others.” 


166 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“I do not think anyone has ever portrayed any hell worse than 
the hells of war.” said John. 

“Yes,” interposed Ella, “and, like Swedenborg’s spirits, this 
much correct, delighting in their hells.” 

“Oh, poor deluded darlings, if they only knew the truth that 
their worst demons are, in reality, angels, or angels in the 
making.” 

They stopped at no other place. Early the next morning they 
started and arrived at the old Academy at dusk. Unseen, un- 
noticed, uncognized by any, they wandered through the old home 
and grounds after seeing ‘the family. Then, after they 
retired, they returned to the spirit plane and were welcomed by 
all with joy. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


167 


CHAPTER XIX. 

Spirit Lire; 

Lilian’s nude body, beautiful as sculptured art, with the ex- 
ception of the abdomen open exposing the child, lay completely 
magnetized into insensibility. The little child, like a flower, 
also magnetized into a comatose condition, was ready to be 
brought forth. As the doctor approached the couch, the nurse 
standing by his side, he leaned over and seemingly grasped the 
child whilst a Celestial Angel took it in his hands. The doctor 
then seemingly passed it, the Angel still holding it, to the nurse, 
who placed it on her knee, the child in the hand still of the Angel . 
Thus, while on mortal plane the little mortal child was taken 
by the doctor and passed to the nurse, the little spirit child, to 
which it was attached, first became conscious on earth. Another 
Celestial Angel, within a few seconds, so advanced is Divine 
lore, closed the cavity in Lilian’s body and made her as perfect 
as before. The child had been placed within her, as in an in- 
cubator to develop, not brought forth through nor made by animal 
passion, but by God’s holy Angels. All children are made on 
spirit side, the vital frame of the child placed scientifically within 
the mother, after inception, on mortal not on spirit plane. 

Ye, who wish to learn, read the last chapter and try to think. 
Then, wonder not and deride the immaculate conception of the 
Lord, which in truth, in spirit spheres, is no different from all 
conceptions, excepting that the vital body was connected by 
vibrations with the Father, which He, or the Angels, impressed, 
save when he was personally attached to it. The Virgin Mary 
was pure and immaculate. There is more than one way of 
bringing forth life, oh, ye advanced thinkers, on the mortal plane. 

Those who read this work understandingly will grasp why it 
is that, although children are seemingly brought forth in the same 
manner as on eartfi, they are in truth brought forth quite 
differently. The mortal child in embryo is formed in the vital 
frame in the body of the spirit mother. The vital frame, with 


168 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


the spirit child, in embryo, being developed of selected oozoons, 
six from the father and six from the mother, so correctly portrayed 
by Edgar Lucien Larkin’s “Within the Mind Maze.” not trans- 
mitting hereditary characteristics, as presumed on that plane, 
but impressed, under law, with the characteristics judged essential, 
whether to be the same characteristics of the parents, grand- 
parents or animal progenitors; just as the child in embryo is 
formed to resemble in various physical ways those agreed on, the 
little material body formed also, within the vital frame, of six 
selected organisms, from both parents. 

As all births and deaths are governed by the Angels in charge 
of the different children, the sex, and all appertaining to the child, 
is decided prior to birth. When the parents are attached to their 
vital frames, in an unconscious state, hypnotized into a certain 
degree of insensibility, governed by the Angels under both Divine, 
spiritual and natural Law, they, at the proper time, are mag- 
netized with that designated as animal passion on the mortal 
plane, and, after inception, the mother kept attached to her vital 
frame, whilst the child is being developed with the lore known 
but to the Angels, until the child is brought forth, on the two 
planes simultaneously. Hence, in truth, parents are also necessary 
in spirit spheres. 

As an equal number of life organisms are taken from both 
parents it can be seen that a soul could not be transmitted from 
either parent, half a soul from one and half a soul from another, 
impossible. In truth there is no such thing as an evolving soul. 
Spirit bodies evolve, not souls. Spirit bodies evolve to become 
better and better instruments to receive the soul consciousness 
which develops the individual child. Thus the child is formed of 
selected, highly developed organisms on spirit plane, capable of 
being impressed correctly, living records of all experiences in the 
lower forms of animals, and of the spirit father and mother. 
The material, as said before, of the same number, to develop 
characteristics essential to give the organisms of the spirit child 
all that is necessary to develop a good brain, to receive and 
express the soul gifts. If the organisms selected, on spirit side, 
require no development, and can be developed into a good instru- 
ment, the child is formed with its instruments, and connected 
with the Divine ere being brought forth, and detached, or still- 
born, a completed individuality, thus from the germ cell, the 
embryo, to the perfected individuality. More are brought forth 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


169 


in this manner than, on the mortal plane, subjected to lives of 
sin and suffering, to the sole discipline which will render these 
organisms subservient to the child in charge. This, to any but 
thinkers, will appear absurd, but material scientists, beginning 
to apprehend more correctly, will not ridicule but receive sugges- 
tions which will make them more capable instruments. When 
they are more developed they will bring forth soul-less beings, 
but they will never, on mortal plane, know how to connect with 
the Divine, and give the self consciousness of a child of God. 

A brain and body is a very important part of a spirit or mortal 
man, without them they could not be individual entities, the idea 
of self would be impossible. Their soul consciousness would 
still be a part of the consciousness of God. Therefore since 
children must have instruments to become individual, they are 
developed in the most perfect manner, that composing them must 
be trained, not solely on spirit side, expressing or being impressed 
with the soul gifts, but also on the mortal, developing under the 
severe conditions of mortal life the qualities of industry, con- 
centration, determination, perseverance, loyalty, courage, sub- 
mission, etc. these qualities impossible to be developed in spheres 
of perpetual peace, love and harmony. Many thinkers re- 
cognize that were mortality here to be developed mentally, 
morally and spiritually, that, as it is impossible to develop in 
one incarnation, they must be subject to many, and, as they 
know that reincarnation is true in the lower forms, gradually 
evolving higher and higher until primitive man is brought forth, 
they, naturally, not correctly impressed, think, since there is such 
a difference between the various planes, that man must return 
to advance here. Owing to certain portions of the material 
brain not being able to receive correctly, they cannot see the 
inconsistency of the claim that the spirit spheres are superior 
and impress all the wisdom and knowledge, thus admitting that 
the ego does not receive either knowledge or wisdom on this 
plane, and the claim that the material vehicles or bodies are 
being developed to become better instruments, thus tacitly ad- 
mitting that the difference is not in the ego but in the physical 
bodies. There is no such thing as a soulless mortal man. Every 
mortal body is animated by a spirit man or ego. The spirit 
man or ego who lives in Devanchon, or the spirit world, as an 
individual spirit, the same identical one that impresses his mortal 
body, or, rather, that evolves with it. Thus Guatama is still 


170 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


Guatama, the same ego or spirit that animated his mortal body. 
He was not reincarnated sixty years after in an inferior body, 
which would have evinced very poor judgment to abandon a very 
good instrument for a very poor one. 

An idiot, an imbecile, a weakling, a degenerate, the criminal 
born, defectives, cannot advance with poor instruments on this 
plane. Did they have the wisdom to build their body in the 
spirit spheres, greater wisdom than any mortal has yet evolved, 
they surely would have wisdom enough to build instruments, 
not to credit them with demerits but to add to their merits. Or 
if the ‘‘Lords of the Creative Hierarchies” build their bodies, as 
they do, they surely do not expect them to express either knowl- 
edge or wisdom through such inferior brains. Then, why are 
they here? Not to advance mentally, morally, spiritually, but 
to develop qualities which all, regardless how defective, develop. 
The righteous did not even need the Lord Jesus Christ, “They 
that be whole need not a physician.” Intuitively impressed, they 
need no spiritual teaching, but advance themselves mentally, 
morally and spiritually. Why are they here? Not to develop 
qualities without which they cannot advance in the real life (they 
are advancing there) but to bring, through suffering, the real 
brain into perfect harmony, to fit it to be a better instrument. 
The majority who are neither criminal or righteous, comprising 
all planes and classes, do not all advance mentally, morally, or 
spiritually, some mentally, some morally, some spiritually, some 
remain at a standstill, some retrograde, yet all develop the es- 
sential qualities through sinning and suffering. When man was 
first brought forth, when there was neither wisdom nor knowledge 
received or expressed for many centuries, he could only advance 
mentally in a slight degree, and not at all morally or spiritually. 
The majority today among the lower races are very slightly ad- 
vancing in any way. Are all of these, the majority, who “sin 
ignorantly and in unbelief” to be shut out from Devanchon or 
the heaven-world, because they have not been given good instru- 
ments to express themselves correctly? There is not a man nor 
pigmy upon the face of the earth that is not animated by a 
glorious, radiant spirit. There is not a criminal, an outcast, a 
fool, a lunatic, that is not the same. There is not the most 
poisonous, venomous, lowest form of life, that is not conjoined 
to one expressing only the soul gifts impressed upon all. 

While there are undeveloped conditions in spirit worlds just 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


171 


coming into existence, and those not very far evolved, not yet 
ready for spirit children, there is not one, when the animals have 
attained to soul consciousness, that is not more highly evolved 
and civilized than the earth. Hence any religion or philosophy 
that teaches of evil in spirit spheres, or hells, places of punish- 
ment, Karma Loca, demoniacal — not human depravity, teach but 
half truths, not yet correctly impressed. Even on earth evil is 
being proved to be the result of undeveloped conditions. When 
mortals have developed brains, not solely minds formed and filled 
with the obsolete, antidiluvian knowledge of ancient times, 
brains and minds sufficiently spiritually unfolded to grasp the 
true meaning and potency of love, they will realize that not until 
they cease seeing evil in others, not solely ceasing to do it them- 
selves, will it really cease for them. When they cease consigning 
their foes to places of punishment, when they cease hating, 
warring, sinning, when they cease teaching inconsistencies, half 
truths, they will know the true meaning of fraternity, liberty, 
but by no means when slaughtering, maligning and hating each 
other. True fraternity takes in all, not solely one class, true 
equality demands equality for all not only for one class, true 
liberty wants all, not solely their own, to enjoy its blessings. 
Thus, until the classes and masses combine with true fraternity, 
there will be neither fraternity, liberty nor equality expressed. 


172 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


CHAPTER XX. 

John and Ella were alone in the mountains, far from the 
haunts of man. They, in their desire to get into the wilds, free 
from society, after a season devoted to work and service, had 
selected one of the most isolated sections of our spirit world, a 
large section kept for this especial purpose. 

The Divine discontent of many comes from the spirit spheres, 
although not cognized as discontent there, simply the laudable, 
inherent desire for change. Hence there are ever, as on earth, 
different regions and different countries. Whilst the highest 
civilization is to be found amongst all more advanced than 
the highest on mortal plane, all like the simple life 
as much as on earth, and often flee to the mountains, the wilds, 
or the seashore, to be close to that cognized as Nature, in truth, 
the more simple, soul-stirring expressions of Angelic Art. These 
mountains are in South America, on earth never to be occupied. 
Up on the highest peak John had built a simple, stone bungalow. 
The peak was covered with trees and shrubbery; the slopes 
were carpeted with green moss. A stream swarming with fish, 
gurgled past their front door. In the basement they kept an 
airship, and two horses feasted on the clover and moss. One 
automaton waited on them and brought their supplies from the 
nearest detached city. They were in the roof -garden, filled with 
choicest flowers and plants. Ella was reclining on the velvet 
moss, John, with his head on her lap, gazing dreamily over the 
wide expanse. 

“John, isn’t this the grandest of all views? Mountain peaks 
upon mountain peaks, the beautiful and the sublime, the pict- 
uresque and the grotesque side by side, I never weary of it. 
Look at that terrible gorge, with the madly rushing river. It 
looks so gruesome and forbidding. Now look at that magnificent 
peak, gold and blue, golden moss, blue vegetation with white 
flowers here and there.” 

“Glorious, indeed. Look at those, the same as on earth, dark. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


173 


bare, sombre, we surely have a variety here, dear.” answered 
John. 

“And look at the train, creeping up at snail’s pace in the 
distance. That attached train; some mortals, I presume, going 
to some mine.” 

“There will be several here before long.” John answered. 
“These majestic ranges are as yet hardly known on earth.” 

“John, let’s fly to that train, I want a change.” 

Within a few moments they donned flying robes, and flew 
rapidly, side by side, to the poor little mortal train, or rather 
to the attached spirit train. It would appear very strange to 
mortals but not to spirits. The train, within which was the 
mortal, invisible on spirit side, was entirely of glass. The 
engineer in the engine was in a magnetized condition, accompanied 
by two Celestial Guides. The passengers were going from a little 
puebla to the mine, also accompanied by Guides: on spirit side, 
beautiful, radiant spirits, in white attire, on mortal, swarthy 
half-breeds, ragged and unkempt. 

John and Ella ascended the train and entered the passenger 
car. They were welcomed cordially by the angels. Ella took 
a seat offered by one, with a smile, who said, 

“I have no need to ask why you are here, I know, but how long 
will you remain?” 

“That, you also know,” laughed Ella, “but we expect to go 
home within a few days, we are longing for the dear ones.” 

“As is ever the case,” he replied, “no matter how far we advance 
we must take our dearest, or Heaven would not be Heaven.” 

“And yet, see how much of your time you are devoting to 
the mortal plane,” said John. 

“We are never too advanced,” he replied, “to be but men and 
women, and we like change and the simple life.” 

“That you also know,” laughed Ella, “but we expect to go 
ourselves for ever and ever,” said Ella. 

“Not as great,” he replied, “as the joy of making others 
realize selfhood, to train and develop from infancy after first 
forming them, then to fit them to advance independently. That 
is one of the greatest joys. Look at this fine boy, he will soon 
be detached, ready to advance, and I shall then go home.” 

“Oh,” sighed Ella, “if we could only spare them the sorrows 
of mortal life.” 

“Impossible, little sister, no instrument unless trained and 


174 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


developed, as are the spirit and mortal bodies, from the lowest 
up to man, could express soul consciousness and form individual 
mind. 

After a little more conversation on spiritual topics, John and 
Ella flew to a peerless lake, on the summit of one of the most 
lofty mountains. One of many in this marvellously, even on 
earth, beautiful section. No life forms, save condors and many 
extinct forms of mortal life, were visible. The lake was especial- 
ly beautiful. Various shades of water continually forming pict- 
ures reflecting, not the picture of the sky as is usually the case, 
but pictures, (enabling one from the slopes above, to see, in all 
their loveliness) , made by angelic art, of wondrous beauty. Some 
of the most isolated sections, rarely visited, are the most beauti- 
ful. Thus, although John and Ella were the sole ones in that 
vast, lovely region, the wondrous beauty impelled them to decide 
to spend the night in one of the sparkling little caves, near the 
lake. 

Ella, after selecting a mossy corner for a couch, cried, 

'‘Now, John, let us seek some supper, take a plunge, and 
then retire.” 

John took her arm and, like merry children, they looked 
here and there for fruit and nuts, gaily pretending they knew 
not where to find any, although, in truth with the spirit’s knowl- 
edge, they knew exactly where they could find all they desired. 
They found themselves in the midst of a fragrant aroma of de- 
licious scents and, although there was no vegetation visible, ex- 
cepting some vines, Ella fell upon her knees and began to part 
them eagerly. 

“Look, John, look. Ah, such berries.” 

Feasting upon the luscious strawberries, they saw in the dis- 
tance a canoe, with a lonely figure. 

“Not an attached spirit,” John exclaimed, “no Guide. Ah, 
Ella, Ella, it is Father. Father here alone, I wonder where 
Mother is!” 

‘Not far away, I am sure. Oh, look, John, look.” 

A mammoth airship flew over the towering adjoining peak. 
They rapturously caught the telepathic message from Roscoe 
and Lilian. 

“Beloved ones, we are free at last.” 

“Yes, T knew it would soon happen,” said John. 

The airship rapidly approached, they saw the beaming faces 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


175 


and, ere it descended, flew to meet them and were pulled on 
deck with ejaculations of love. Many of the Roanokes and 
Langdons were on board. They had been to the collision on the 
Mississippi River, where Roscoe and Lilian had been detached, 
and had kept them with them until spirit memory returned. 
Then, as Roscoe and Lilian insisted, hastened to John. They 
alighted on the banks of the lake in time to greet Mr. Roanoke, 
who seized his beloved son, Roscoe, and Lilian, ere greeting the 
others. He had been visiting another spirit world and, upon 
receiving message from his wife, had hastened to meet them at 
John^s, the nearest place. 

“Roscoe, Roscoe, Lilian, Lilian, free at last. Thank God, 
thank God,’’ all cried again and again, rapturously. 

Roscoe and Lilian, although joyous and relieved, looked ill 
at ease, until Roscoe spoke rather sadly, 

“Remember, I still have my dear ones, attached. I know 
what they are undergoing. I do not like to cut your visit short 
but Lilian and I desire to return to the old home, to see them 
tonight. 

“Of course, we will all return at once,” cried John and Ella. 

All entered the airship which, with marvellous speed, for they 
had many miles to traverse, ascended to the desired height and 
sped on. Over the immense mountain ranges to the east, over 
the Amazon and its tributaries, so swiftly they flew they could 
see nothing below, and but little as they whirled through the 
balmy, brine-scented air over the ocean. The marvellous pict- 
ures in the sky, the superb tints and tones of the ever-varying 
sea, the scintillating beauty of the countless worlds, were barely 
observed so engrossed were they with each other. 

“Yes,” said Roscoe, “Lilian and I were seated on the deck, 
listening to the merry chantings of the colored men, loading the 
boat, when, suddenly, a terrific blast and we must have been 
whirled into the river, for we knew nothing until we found our- 
selves both together, on spirit side, in a hotel in the little town of 
Visilia, with Mother and our dear Guides, from whence we re- 
turned to see the dear, earthbound ones, until we recalled every- 
thing.” 

Lilian, embracing her mother, interposed, 

“And, Oh, we never felt a pain or an ache of any kind, 
although we found that many of the poor colored men had been 
burnt severely and are still suffering greatly.” 


176 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


“Oh,” Tom shuddered, “the horrors of that plane, I confess 
I never want to return to it.” 

“Certainly not, Tom,” answered Lilian, “you have no loved 
ones there, but I have a beloved husband and a child, who are 
mourning over my poor form just rescued from the river.” 

“AncT my poor family, similarly stricken.” said Roscoe, “so 
we must hasten, I long so to comfort them, if possible.” 

Ere long they arrived in the outskirts of Lexington and 
descended into the grounds of the Academy home. They found 
all awake on the mortal plane. The sun was just setting and 
the twilight, with its soft afterglow, effacing its effulgent glory. 
When our party entered the hall on spirit side, Roscoe and 
Lilian, accompanied by their parents, sought their loved ones 
ere entering the material consciousness. That evening, all the 
mourners, detached by sleep, wore trnasfigured, ecstatic faces, 
more joyous than the detached ones in the transitions from the 
depths of gloom to the heights of bliss. 

The Celestial Angels had again transformed the home into 
a vision of beauty and thousands assembled to welcome Roscoe 
and Lilian. Many Celestial Angels were present, among them, 
Elizabeth’s soul-mate, the Earl of Leicester, who, with her 
rapturously happy on his arm, remained quite a while, wandering 
through the grounds with his best-beloved; Lord Byron and 
Thyrza, lovely as a dream, and many well-known characters of 
earth. 

As soul mates are twin souls, in the sense that, when ready 
to be in perfect harmony, they are conjoined or wedded, it 
sometimes, although not often, as in Elizabeth’s case, takes one 
or the other some time to become in perfect unison, which is 
imperative ere they can be conjoined. Those familiar with the 
Earl of Leicester and Amy Robsart, can understand why Eliza- 
beth, arrogantly vain and heartlessly cruel on earth, because she 
willfully chose the broad path that leadeth to destruction, though 
innocent and pure as are God’s children in the real life, had 
subjectively so potently impressed a few of the organisms in the 
real brain, that she could not render them subservient and trans- 
mit or express the soul gift of love, as she should, until they 
w^ere developed. After her interview with her soul mate, for the 
first time she willed herself to serve others on the mortal plane, 
and was advancing so rapidly, bringing under the law of love 
the inharmonious entities into harmony, that ere long she would 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


177 


be a fitting mate for the man whom she had wronged so greatly 
on mortal plane. 

Thus whilst, in spirit spheres, there are no places of punish- 
ment, God’s children do not merit punishment, but sometimes, 
very, very rarely, one, like Elizabeth, is retarded in soul expression, 
free will is given to all. With free will she chose that which 
kept in perpetual inharmony her material brain, which so in- 
delibly impressed a few of the entities of her spirit brain with 
inharmony, so put them out of tune as to render it a poor 
instrument for soul expression, until she, in command, willed 
to lovingly serve others, therefore, the entities willed lovingly 
to serve her. 

Thus it can be seen, while there is no suffering, that the greatest 
joy of all cannot be enjoyed until love conquers all limitations. 
Elizabeth belonged to the class on earth who, with a good 
brain and good material conditions, wilfully selected the material 
and ignored the spiritual. Tom, to the born weakling class, 
John, to the bom righteous. Tom, utterly irresponsible for all 
his acts, after the insidious entities had gained control, was bom 
with a brain impossible to be developed on earth. Hence the 
Angels had not permitted any of the material impressions to put 
his real brain out of harmony. John, born righteous, subjected 
potently to temptation, born whole, needed no phvsician to heal 
him, but, with the power of an awakened child of God, dominated 
both the spiritual and material brain. The average mortal, like 
the rest of the Roanoke and Langdon families, born with good 
brains, subjected to good conditions, chooses the path of duty and, 
though not as intellectual or materially wise as Elizabeth, not as 
righteous as John, keeps their brains more or less harmonious, 
hence nothing of an especially unloving nature puts the real 
brains out of harmony. 

When it is realized that love alone is the power that rules all 
worlds, life forms and entities, it can be seen that while there 
is great intellectuality and knowledge expressed by many of the 
so-called great on earth, that, whilst they seemingly control, 
they are in truth subordinate to love and wisdom. The most 
potent man on earth. He Who raised the dead, healed the blind, 
the lame, the halt. He Who seemingly upset natural law to ful- 
fiir Divine law, ruled simply and solely with love. He could 
have called twelve legions of angels, he could have prevented the 
crucifixion. To show His children greater love than this hath 


178 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


no man, that He lay down His life for His friends. He, not only 
sacrificed life, but taught them industry, application, determina- 
tion, concentration, at the carperter’s bench. Not solely en- 
durance and patience when persecuted and driven from place to 
place, not solely fortitude, humility and submission, with the 
sweat of Gethsemane and the cross of Calgary, but, with limit- 
less love and infinite compassion, inculcated wisdom, endowed 
the lowly fishermen with the light to perform that which the 
most highly intellectual cannot, and the love to bless all no 
matter how they transgressed. All His life and acts proved the 
supremacy of love. Love forgave the woman caught in sin. 
Love compassionated the publican, the sinner. Love healed. Love 
set the Divine Example for all to follow. Love did not select the 
chaff from the wheat. Love made no distinctions. But intellect- 
uality, a spurious counterfeit of wdsdom, not able to receive or 
express love through inharmonious brains or instruments, has 
so changed the Holy Doctrine of Love given by the Lord, that, 
were it not for the glorious acts which deny the interpolations, 
we would indeed be without hope and faith. 

But thanks to the Christ Spirit ever with all, the time is ripe 
for not a re-interpretation of His message, but to interpret, give 
it as He gave it. The Christ Spirit movement, based upon the 
“Apocryphal Revelations” the genuine New Revelations, pub- 
lished and copyrighted in 1914, prove the truth of their inspiration 
by harmonizing all the various expressions of the one, true 
religion, the worship of the Father; by reconciling the scientific 
fact of evolution, with special creation; explaining the law of 
regeneration or reformation ; proving reincarnation true up to self 
consciousness as a child of God; and, above all, at last proving 
the true Doctrine of Love, by showing all that Love gave them 
birth. Love guards and protects — even in the sole hells of earth, 
and that Love ever abides with them, therefore that they were 
not born in sin, that they have not fallen, that there are no places 
of punishment, and that Love, ruling all, develops the lowest to 
become the highest under the universal law of progression, and 
as this law is universal there can be no retrogression, in truth, 
anywhere. 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


179 


CHAPTER XXL 

The writer is fully cognizant of the ridicule and unbelief of 
many who believe otherwise than is portrayed in this work, but 
that does not deter her from giving this as it comes. She knows, 
as do those who impiess this, that they are not yet ready, that 
Emmanuel Swedenborg truly says in ‘‘Heaven and Hell” that 
solely the highest see him as Divine Person in Heaven. If, at 
his period of evolution over one hundred and fifty years ago, he 
was impressed, could grasp Him as Divine Person, the writer, more 
correctly impressed, does not limit His love, nor make any more 
distinctions than He did when impressing Jesus. At the Trans- 
figuration He showed Himself as Divine Person, as He does to 
all in the real life. Those who grasp “sole begotten Son” and 
“the Divine Idea of Christ” acknowledge the physical as the 
“Sole Begotten” but make the Divine idea of Christ an intangible 
principle, therefore denying personality to God, whilst acknowl- 
edging the Divine Idea (child of Christ.) 

All who worship Principle, the Divine Mind, the Absolute, 
make Omnipotence express Himself (rarely do they allude to God 
as an impersonal, abstract principle, not “it” but “Him”, not 
“itself” but “Himself”) in a very undeveloped, imperfect manner, 
whilst claiming He is perfect and the Absolute. Whilst all life 
is of Him, undeveloped life is not on His plane, whilst conscious- 
ness comes from Him, the consciousness of an amoeba is not the 
consciousness of God, the monad descending into matter does 
not express the Absolute. Were all ideas or manifestations of 
life for the purpose of expressing principle or the Absolute, from 
whence came the Infinite wisdom necessary to create or form the 
different worlds, ere life forms were brought forth? and if life 
forms are necessary to express mind on the lowest plane, how 
could mind have been expressed without a Supreme or Superior 
Beings to express it, to form the worlds, life forms, and to 
develop mind? 

While it seems absurd, incredible to ascribe Omnipotence to 
a person, regardless how Divine, to limit Him (not “it”) to a 


180 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


Divine Personality, it is more absurd and incredible to make 
Divinity and Omnipotence express Himself through the lowest 
forms, and sinning humanity. To evolute means to grow from 
low to high, incompletion to completion, imperfection to per- 
fection. Those who believe in evolution ^ in reincarnation up to 
the animal and through successive races of humanity, also believe 
in the Absolute, that they will in time become part of the 
Absolute. If they descend into matter from the Absolute to 
grow under evolution and involution, why do they, already a 
part of the Absolute, descend to grow? 

Any ego who descends from a high estate in the Heaven world 
for the sole purpose of expressing life in inferior life forms on the 
lowest plane must have very poor judgment, or very poor taste, 
to leave the Heaven World or Devanchon to descend to an animal 
plane for the sole purpose of expressing himself in lower forms. 
Were there no Heaven World, no Devanchon, the true home of 
all egos; were there naught but etherial, intangible shadows in 
the Heaven World, and Devanchon, there would be good reason, 
but since they teach that all wisdom and all knowledge has its 
source there, that they also have form — though somewhat inferior 
to that of humanity, why leave a superior plane to grow or develop 
on an inferior? And if the “Lords of Creative Hierarchies”, 
advanced Archangels, form the worlds, etc., from whence obtained 
they their wisdom? Not, most assuredly, on the lowest plane. 
Therefore, they must descend to the physical plane, not to ad- 
vance in wisdom or knowledge, but to develop, (since the physical 
bodies are rightly cognized as but vehicles of expression), certain 
qualities, impossible to acquire in the higher spheres; not, most 
assuredly, for the puerile purpose of evolving material bodies, nor 
a sensuous, animal enjoyment in sin on a lower plane, therefore, 
conceding that the Lords obtain their knowledge, etc. from the 
Absolute, that they are higher expressions of the Absolute than 
the physical plane loving egos, if the Lords are a higher 
expression of the Absolute, there must be higher and 
higher until they arrive at the plane of the Absolute. 
Then, if there are many who express the Absolute on the highest 
plane, from whence received they their wisdom? Surely not, as 
Mind must have media for expression, from soulless Principle, 
or a planet, for only a being with brain and sense organs can 
express mind. As principle cannot be expressed without a Being, 
a planet, with the most advanced Divine Mind, the universe with 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


181 


the mind of the Absolute could not express unless through some 
being, hence Principle is but the effluence from the Divine Mind 
of One Supreme Being, and the Absolute must be embodied or 
He could not express His Infinite Wisdom through evoluting 
egos. Soul illumination, mind development, can only be received 
and transmitted through instruments. Hence, for the wisdom 
of the Absolute, there must be an Instrument, and that Instrument 
is God in Divine Person in Spirit spheres. 

While there is that which some on mortal plane cognize as the 
Over Soul, entirely distinct from the Divine Mind, and there is 
Divine Mind distinct from the Individual Mind — which some 
deem the Absolute, they appertain, not to a Principle nor to the 
Absolute, as grasped by many, but emanate from that part of the 
Mind of God, which is not the Individual, and to the Soul, from 
whence all soul consciousness comes, of our loving Father. 

Thus in God’s Divine Person, scoff if you will, is embodied 
the brain which expresses and transmits all the Divine Mind in 
existence. Also that brain has the soul consciousness from 
which all consciousness is sent, to be in harmony with the Divine 
Mind. The monad must develop on both planes, from low to 
high, to the awakened soul consciousness, as an off-shoot, a child 
of God, thence, after, until he becomes in unison, as an individual 
entity. In this sense, descent into matter is correct, and re- 
incarnation or reformation true up to the awakened soul conscious- 
ness in “the image and likeness of God” in Man. 

Without an instrument to transmit on vibrations Mind and 
Soul gifts, it would be impossible for any being to express soul 
or mind. God has ever existed; the Celestial Kingdom has ever 
existed, likewise the spiritual and material universes, although 
material worlds are ever being developed as birth places and 
training schools, in conjunction with the spiritual, not created 
but formed out of the already existing substance. When the 
material worlds outlive their usefulness, they are not destroyed 
(nothing can be destroyed), but are disintegrated and dis- 
associated, returned to their primal elements. 

Material worlds are ever in process of formation and decay. 
The spiritual are detached from the material and exist forever. 
Archangels, familiar with the origin of life and all laws. Divine, 
spiritual and natural or physical, form the various worlds and life 
forms. The advanced, on mortal plane, in reality no farther 
advanced than the average young child on spirit plane, realize 


182 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


all are under directivity or guidance. None doubt an omnipotent 
Power, whether cognized as Supreme Being, Principle or Nature. 
Many know that without a receiving machine or instrument, 
mind could neither be formed, received nor expressed through 
either vibrations or impressions. 

There must be a receiver and a transmitter. The spiritual 
brain after formation first by the Angels, then developed by the 
spirit, is the instrument to receive on vibrations the soul gifts 
from the Divine Mind and impressions from spiritual experiences 
in the spirit world. The material brain is the instrument within 
the interstices of the spiritual, when attached to the vital frame, 
or, as deemed by some, the astral body, while subjected to the 
mortal school. Were the material brain not in the spiritual, 
were there not a permanent receiving instrument to record 
material impressions, it would be impossible for the spirit to form 
correct impressions, or to remember, with a constantly changing 
material brain. When detached from the vital frame he would 
have nothing to refer to, for, while mind is distinct from the 
material brain, it is not from the spiritual, which is the living 
record of all spiritual and material impressions and experiences 

The Divine Person of God is the Supreme Receiver and Trans- 
mitter. He, on vibrations, transmits to the highest, they to 
others on lower planes, many essential matters, but the soul gifts 
on vibrations go direct from the Divine Mind to every awakened 
child of God. When the child, on mortal plane, has a material 
brain in harmony, he expresses the soul gifts more or less per- 
fectly, but not the spiritual life and experiences, unless impressed 
or permitted by his Celestial Guides or tutors. It can be clearly 
seen that when animal is regenerated, made into man, and attains 
to self consciousness in the spirit world, that that self is not the 
self consciousnes of an animal or he would have been self conscious 
in the lower form. He becomes conscious as a spirit man, in 
a man’s body, with a man’s brain which receives the self conscious- 
ness. Did he destroy or change that body, he would be deprived 
of self consciousness. He could not put his consciousness, nor 
the brain which receives it, into another body. He ever remains 
in the one body in which he receives consciousness. But he can 
be magnetized into insensibility and rendered conscious on the 
mortal plane, with that part of the brain wherein is located 
consciousness^ connected with his vital frame when attached to 
it, and thus be conscious through the material brain and sense 


WHO AND WHAT AM I? 


183 


organs. ^ That part of his spirit brain, related to spirit life, 
magnetized, so as not to render material experiences valueless. 

He can, when entranced or detached by sleep, leave his mortal 
body, and, if very advanced on mortal plane, (very seldom done,) 
detach himself independently of his tutors, and, as Theosophy 
claims, project the ego, free the spirit, not the astral body which 
is the vital frame. Without the vital frame, the material would 
become, save for a few organisms, lifeless. Death ever occurs 
when the vital frame is disassociated and disconnected. The 
spirit is only directly connected with the cerebrum. The lower 
brain, the medulla oblongata, the spinal and the sympathetic 
system, all that regulates muscular action, all reflex action, is 
mainly under the charge of his tutors, or those who form his 
vital frame. Thus it can be realized that he is not the sole arbiter 
of his destiny, and, although it is true that he has free will, he 
can only exercise that will within the bounds of law. The half 
truths now being taught must be corrected in the light of truth. 

When in tune with the Infinite, which really means when the 
material brain is in harmony, he can govern, to a certain extent, 
his material brain and body. He receives more or less of the 
soul gifts, clear impressions how to care for his instruments, 
putTiimself in harmony, and thus will, unless subjected to mortal 
afflictions — which are the common heritage of all, especially the 
loving, keep himself well. The loving suffer, endure, not for 
self but for others. The Lord Jesus Christ was the Man of 
Sorrows, nothing could put Him out of harmony, He was impressed 
by God. But every other mortal is put out of harmony, regard- 
less how righteous or God Loving, when it is necessary, especially 
those being developed to give the higher truths. When entirely 
developed, in perfect tune, nothing puts out of harmony until 
they are detached, oft in their sleep, or more painfully if more 
suffering is needed to free them. 

The greatest exponents of all systems of healing, the greatest 
saints, martyrs, apostles, disciples, had to, as did the Lord, give 
up mortal life, not voluntarily, oft exercising all their will to 
prevent, when it was time to go home, simply because despite 
their will and presumed knowledge of law, they are detached 
from their vital frames by their Celestial Tutors and have to 
submit to Divine Law. 


FINIS. 


t 



i 


1 



".C '; 



. fr > 
//,S. 


1 


< ' V 

f»f 1 ^ 


i ‘ rf ■•’ 1 ‘ 

r 0 * 

S'-'- '..x ^ 





,; ; )•; , ;«'f4T 

J ' i‘"* V'vit ‘ ^ v ' '{ '^'iV ^ - 






' A A '•■'' ! 


f.' i'.'.r',.'. : i;',. 







<.■ 


it 


V\A 


"'vttSElPA •' ■■ ■' ''a' '■■' , ' . -i- ^ 

^KifW' ^W^kk V'' ' 


t- 


»\iA< 


m. 


Jy 


i ’ M 






t(r 


It 


m 




p,i ■ ‘■'il .v;”' A ■^!''^‘^.»‘••'■^Vt^ 

\PA y / aW A/. wl'iVfi ' ii I V ( >» , V 7 ; 'iA#i 


. t ' 




'6 


r j# 






¥>'■ v-T/r’ ',; 

v4vi'-v A,,'. 


’il;' j" :.^^^'.V,. 


. > ‘ / * ’* n 

• . s a. 


' ¥f:' ' . .¥VV' h ' 

■A:&'4‘-s f‘i‘PpiP 



' .'AliA; 


i^j^V’. ''' Vi" /• 

■* “•-A'i'itv / ; 

T5-^;-v ).tv' 

^ . '"i 

>-•’“- ■■ ^ ' • • ' 'i 

LiWi- *^l**t* ' ’ ' ' ' \lK ' 

|[>.*j '.'. v.\:.U K ■' ;. i';y>^' ' ■ 

-^-XAAl'.v .^••'‘.A.. . 


7 

k 

/. ’ > 


. k',' 










':f 





i 





I 


K 


4 



* 

f 



% 

% 



t 



r 


< 



I 




» 


\ 





% 


1 

' % 
































































